The Many Faces of Mediation: Elder Parents & Adult Siblings

Mediation can be extremely helpful in discussing difficult issues that arise with respect to elder parents and their adult children.

There are many concerns that need to be addressed as a parent ages. These concerns may focus on:

·         Housing and living arrangements

·         Need for additional caregiving

·         Need for financial help

·         Quality of life

·         Healthcare decisions

·         Estate planning

In this excellent blog posting, Susan Ingram, speaks about how mediation provides an excellent forum to bring the family members together to discuss these issues and reach pragmatic solutions. It’s important to have all of the stakeholders be part of this conversation. Stakeholders would include the elder parent, if at all possible, as well as all siblings and other family members who want to be involved.

At Falmouth Mediation we work with and support families in having the discussions necessary to work through these critical residential decisions. With training in issues related to estates, eldercare and social gerontology we can help facilitate family discussions about matters relating to safety, finances and capabilities while keeping in mind the senior’s desire for individual control and respect.

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in family decision making, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if elder mediation would be beneficial.

Does Divorce Mediation Work?

The infographic below provides information related to divorce and divorce mediation. It was developed by TopCounselingSchools.org.

As a divorce and family mediator, I find it exciting to see an infographic on this topic however, the mentioning of "mediation reaching agreement in 50 - 80% of cases" understates the success rate at Falmouth Mediation.

Research also shows that:

• Mediated agreements have higher compliance rates than court-ordered agreements; 
• Participants have higher levels of satisfaction with mediated agreements, and that 
• Both parents are more likely to stay involved in their children's lives after attending mediation. A study shows that just "5 hours of mediation caused nonresidential parents to see their children much more often 12 years later". 

All of this makes sense when you consider that mediation provides an opportunity for parents to work together to create the terms of their agreement.

 
Source: TopCounselingSchools.org

The Real Christmas Gift for Kids

I’ve written before on how the holiday season can stir up deep emotions, especially for newly separated parents. And the temptation to compete with the other parent can be great. Yet that competition is a sure way to hurt children and the parents as well.

Gary Direnfeld, in this excellent posting on Mediate.com, writes about how, even though parents argue as to the best residential schedule, choice of school, faith, holiday time, Christmas and extra-curricular activities, these issues are simply not as predictive for the outcome of children of separated parents as conflict alone.

More to the point, the greater the parental conflict, the greater the risk for the child having a poor developmental trajectory. Children who are subject to ongoing parental hostilities are more apt to have school related problems, social difficulties, early onset sexual behavior, a greater likelihood of drug/alcohol related problems, school failure, vocational difficulties and then issues in their adult intimate relationships. The parents of these children are at risk of having problematic relationship with their children not only as youngsters but when their children are adults too.

To the degree one or both parents can remain neutral in the face of provocation and conflict, the children are better served and the risk profile is improved. This may mean one parent acquiesces to the demands of the other, assuming not totally lopsided, dangerous or abusive. In so doing, this parent elevates the need of the child to be spared the parental conflict and thus subordinates their needs or wants to facilitate peace. While this parent may fee like they are losing something in the moment, this parent may actually gain the better life-long relationship with their child in return.

That child, come adulthood, eventually develops a realistic appraisal of both parents and comes to appreciate the sacrifice of one in the face of the demands of the other. That adult child, no long bound by parental control can then re-right the balance and chose to prioritize the parent that more facilitated peace.

If you and your spouse could benefit from structured assistance in making decision during your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

5 Things to Know Before Asking for a Divorce During the Holidays

Relationship breakdowns -- and breakups -- don't stop because just the calendar says it's the holidays.

If anything, the stressors of the season -- parties filled with seemingly happy couples and the promise of the coming new year--can send already fragile relationships into a death spiral.  Buried beneath the wrapping paper and holiday cheer, many of us are struggling with the state of our marriages. 

If you're among those facing the end of a relationship, Michelle Crosby, in this posting on the Huff Post Divorce blog offers a few thoughts on how to best manage your emotions and actions through the holidays.

Divorce is never easy. The holidays add an additional level of complexity and context that should not be ignored -- not just because of the immediate discomfort, but also because of the potential long-term side effects that could poison your relationship with your kids, extended family and the holidays themselves.

If you and your spouse could benefit from structured assistance in making decision during your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

The 'I' Within 'We' Creates a Powerful Identity

At the core of every endeavor, relationship and communication is a personal, mystifying and sometimes paralyzing question, Who am I?

Identity Is Our Core

At the core our identity is the foundation of how we see ourselves in the context of our relationships with others. When we are secure in our identity, our sense of self-trust grows. And yet, no matter how secure we think we are, we can be shaken from time to time. Why?

Research at the Harvard Negotiation Project indicates that everyone is subject to unexpected Identity Threats that trigger us back into unconscious behaviors that originate in the past. When our identity is threatened, our purpose shifts from problem solving, innovation, and relationship building to an impulsive need to defend, protect, or withdraw.

That I, unfortunately, see such behaviors all too often with my divorce mediation clients is perfectly understandable.  This excellent posting by my friend, Mary Ann Somerville and Judith Glaser, on the Huff Post, outlines seven universal threats that result in a sense of threat, confusion, exaggerated internal self-talk including projected blame or unjustifiable self-criticism, heart palpitations, sweating, incapacity to articulate our thoughts or feelings etc.

Even in the best of circumstances, the end of a significant relationship involves intense emotions which often create many of these universal threats making it difficult for two people to resolve issues on their own.  At Falmouth Mediation we are professionals who can allow each person to have their feelings, without those feelings spilling over and jeopardizing your ability to reach fair agreements.

If you and your spouse could benefit from structured assistance in making decision during your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

To Move or Not To Move an Elder

Four out of ten American adults provide care for an aging relative, a figure that is projected to rise dramatically in the next decade.  If you are among these adult caregivers, you are intimately familiar with the myriad of issues you face and the enormity of the challenges that accompany your role.  Whether you are caregiving now, or know that it is only a matter of time before you will be, a threshold issue that may well arise during the caregiving period is where the person for whom you are providing care will live.

The issue of an elder’s possible move is complex and laden with layers of emotion.  It is not uncommon for an elder to have lived in their home for thirty, forty, or even fifty years.  Their home is the place where they metaphorically “grew up,” where they raised their children, where the family congregates, where the stories of their lives are shared and displayed. Many cannot bear to even consider, much less discuss, leaving the place that means everything to them.

Halee Burg, in this excellent blog posting on Mediate.com, looks at some common scenarios where:

• An elder wants to remain in the place they consider home. 
• A spouse, adult child or other caregiver believes it is time to consider a different living arrangement. 
• Conversation has stalled, family tensions are on the rise and no decisions are being made. 

In the silence that ensues, elders and each of their caregivers are likely to become further entrenched in their positions, perhaps straining or fracturing the close bonds each family has shared.

At Falmouth Mediation we work with and support families in having the discussions necessary to work through these critical residential decisions. With training in issues related to estates, eldercare and social gerontology we can help facilitate family discussions about matters relating to safety, finances and capabilities while keeping in mind the senior’s desire for individual control and respect.

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in family decision making, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if elder me­diation would be beneficial.

5 Ways to Protect Children During Divorce

How will divorce impact your children? This question keeps parents awake at night at all stages of the divorce process. Fear of harming your children might have even been a reason you stayed in an unhappy marriage for longer than you wanted to. Wondering what is best for your kids and navigating the optimal way to get them through the transition might feel like a constant struggle.

Deborah Anderson Bialis, in this excellent posting on the Huff Post Divorce blog, outlines five concrete ways to minimize negative impacts divorce might have on your kids and to make the transition more positive.

1.      Try an amicable alternative to litigation.

2.      Insulate your children from the drama.

3.      Invest in a good therapist (or two!).

4.      Take care of yourself.

5.      Constantly communicate: the divorce is NOT their fault!

Give us a call today (508) 540-1628 to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation for you and your spouse and learn how mediation can help you decrease contentiousness and make the process faster, meaning your children will be exposed to less acrimony and uncertainty.

What to Do When Your Ex Won’t (or Can’t) Pay Child Support

Recent national numbers on unpaid child support are hard to come by, but $108 billion in back payments was owed to parents with custody of children in 2009, according to the federal Office of Child Support Enforcement. Unfortunately, if your ex-partner is determined not to pay child support or has few assets and can't pay, there isn't much one can do. A deadbeat or broke parent can be thrown in jail for not paying child support, but garnishing prison wages won't get you very far. 

Still, if you are owed child support, Geoff Williams offers some strategies that are worth employing in this blog posting on US News' Personal Finance blog.

Fair Divorce Settlements Are Impossible, Right?

When it comes to ending a marriage, among the most important things to consider are the concepts behind fair divorce settlements, or more specifically, how to get one.

The mistake many people make is thinking that they have to fight hard to get as much as they can out of the divorce. This is especially the case for the spouse who may not have wanted the divorce in the first place.

The truth is, when it turns into a big battle, nobody really “wins”. You just end up with a hefty bill and the weeks, months or even years of your life you spent battling that you can never get back.

Joseph Dillon’s posting on the Equitable Mediation blog talks about four important aspects of arriving at a fair and equitable separation agreement. 

• Defining “Fair”
• Is it worth the fight?
• What makes more sense?
• Peace is more important

Ready to take that first step toward reaching a fair divorce settlement the peaceful way?

Give us a call today (508) 540-1628 to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation for you and your spouse and learn how mediation can help you come to an agreement you both find fair and equitable.

Four Steps for Happy Holiday Co-Parenting

…or Make a Choice for the Holidays – Co-Parenting or Competitive Parenting??

  

With the Holidays fast approaching, separated parents have an opportunity to model cooperative behavior for their children under what may otherwise be stressful circumstances.

The holiday season can stir up deep emotions, especially for newly separated parents. And the temptation to compete with the other parent can be great. Yet that competition is a sure way to hurt children and the parents as well. But parents CAN succeed in creating a loving environment for their children in spite of the challenges.

David Louis outlines four steps for happy holiday co-parenting on his excellent blog posting:

• Confirm Your Mutual Understanding of the Holiday Schedule
• Discussions on Gifts Can Prevent Hard Feelings
• Acknowledge and Respect Tradition
• Keep the Focus on the Children

Falmouth Mediation is offering one hour of free mediation to help couples and ex-couples agree on holiday schedules for their families.  To schedule your appointment or for additional information, please contact Alan Jacobs at Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 or Alan@FalmouthMediation.com.

Divorced Parents: How to Help Your Kids Get Through the Holidays

When parents divorce, it's always hard on the kids. And so you try to minimize the pain and reduce the chaos brought about by new routines and schedules. But that doesn't prepare you for the challenges of facing your first holiday season. Or the many seasons yet to come. 

That takes a great amount of empathy and creativity along with a willingness to put yourself in your children's shoes to help them address their emotions and cope with memories from the past that trigger pain and sadness.

Rosalind Sedacca's article on the Huffington Post offers three very valuable tips for divorcing parents to help their children adjust to their new surroundings, schedules, and quite possibly new visitors during the holiday season:

1. Be compassionate. Take the time to listen to your children and include them on decisions.
2. Create new memorable moments. Think of the holidays as a time to start new traditions with your children.
3. Model good behavior in front of your children, especially when it comes to your former spouse.  You will most likely be in communication more often at this time of year, so do your part in keeping the peace.

Ten Tips for Developing and Drafting Effective Parenting Plans in Mediation

A mediation process that is thoughtful, respectful, and paced to fit the communication style and needs of the parents will increase the chances of crafting a clear and comprehensive parenting plan. Such a process offers a supportive and cooperative context, promotes direct communication between the parents, empowers the parents to make their own decisions, remains sensitive to their unique couple dynamics, and maximizes a tone of flexibility for future modifications to their agreement. While this context is very important, even more is needed to develop an effective parenting plan. 

Read ten tips that will ensure a well-drafted product in Donald T. Saposnek's excellent article. 

High Conflict Parent Education Classes

Do you know divorced or separated parents that are in high conflict?  Perhaps you and your ex-spouse are in high conflict (the so-called “frequent flyers” in court?)

During divorce or separation, parents often learn that research plainly shows relentless conflict between parents will negatively affect children’s social, emotional, behavioral, and academic functioning.  Your child’s healthy development is negatively affected by how much open conflict with the other parent the child is exposed to.

The good news is that professionals can teach parents skills to reduce conflict and minimize negative impacts of divorce upon children. The Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology Center of Excellence for Children, Families, and the Law program is of the belief that:

• Parenting together doesn't end when your relationship ends
• Most parents can learn to parent together even after they separate
• Children do better when their parents are not fighting
• Parents do better when children do better
• There are skills that help people solve disagreements
• Parents can learn these skills

The Center of Excellence for Children, Families, and the Law High Conflict Parent Education Classes teach parents how to minimize negative impacts of divorce upon children.  The class is taught by a two person team of gender mixed and skilled mixed professionals, one psychologist and one lawyer,  with expert knowledge of the intersection of the family, the legal system, and the mental health professions. The MSPP program consists of 9 evening sessions, 3 hours each, for a total of 27 hours.  Attendance at every single class is mandatory.  The course syllabus is a well-established model used in other states with significant success in teaching cooperative co-parenting with positive outcomes for children of divorcing parents. 

A Massachusetts Probate and Family Court judge must order parties to attend the program. Once the order is received, the organization conducts an intake and screening process with each parent.  Then a class is formed with 12 parents (6 couples) to learn skills that include:

• ways to communicate;
• ways to solve disagreements and stay out of court; and
• ways to help parents recognize common situations for children of divorce, and pick the solution that is best for the child(ren).

Each class begins with dinner and “good stuff” where parents share stories of the children’s experiences throughout the week. In every session, conflict resolution skills are developed and practiced around specific parenting issues like discipline, transfers, attending the child’s activities at the same time, step-parents and step-siblings, holiday and vacation scheduling. The classes take place in West Roxbury on the Newton border. The fee for the class is $950 per person.  A small price to pay to help your child(ren) and to learn from experienced professionals.

For more information about this program, contact Honorable Christina Harms (Ret.), Director, Child and Family Psychological Evaluation Service or 617-323-6662 x532.

Falmouth Mediation is proud to spread the word about this and other programs that help divorcing and divorced parents in Massachusetts learn to effectively co-parent after divorce.

How to Deal When Your Ex-spouse and Co-parent Won't Cooperate

When a co-parent won't cooperate or stop fighting, it can be positively maddening. Ex-spouses can become immersed in rage, frustration, and a sense of powerlessness when their co-parenting partnership isn't working. This can leave little energy for either to move ahead with their post-divorce lives.

You cannot force an uncooperative co-parent to stop fighting. You can take them to court and make their choice to misbehave costly and time consuming (for you both). You can do this repeatedly. Unfortunately, co-parents focused on being destructive or on hurting their ex can always find new ways to do so.

The more you understand about why your ex won't give up the fight the better your chances at figuring out what to do. Read Betsy Ross' post on the Huffington Post's Divorce Blog for five issues to consider.

It's upsetting to have an ex-spouse continue fighting with you after your marriage is done, particularly when the ex-spouse is your children's co-parent. Taking time to think about why this is happening and exploring the possibilities can yield helpful information and lead to new ideas about how to stop fighting and move yourself forward.

Whose Home For The Holidays?

Is it hard to decide where you or your kids should go for upcoming holidays or winter break? If so, we can help.

Falmouth Mediation is offering one hour of free mediation to help couples and ex-couples agree on holiday schedules for their families.

  

Families who may benefit from this service include:

• Divorced or estranged co-parents who need to plan holiday schedules for their children, and
• Families who struggle with a surplus of invitations and demands from various relatives.

“All families experience additional stress during celebrations and holidays, but divorced or estranged families can be pushed to the limit.” says Alan Jacobs, mediator at Falmouth Mediation. “Restructuring a family in even in the most amicable divorce is not easy. Roles are altered; traditions change, and parents spend important celebrations and holidays without their children. Our goal is to give families a chance to resolve their disagreements, minimize their antagonism, and ensure their holidays have positive and significant meaning.”

Alan brings over 25 years of experience helping people manage difficult negotiations and resolve tough issues. All mediations will be private and confidential.

To schedule your appointment or for additional information, please contact Alan Jacobs at Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 or Alan@FalmouthMediation.com.

Falmouth Mediation is a full-service, client-centered mediation practice focusing on divorce, family and business mediation. Focused on providing an affordable forum for assisting families, individuals, groups and businesses, Falmouth Mediation helps its clients to develop their own fair and lasting solutions outside the courtroom. 

Falmouth Mediation is located at 184 Jones Road, Falmouth, MA.  Our handicapped-accessible office is located in the Healing Point office in the Homeport Office Park next to the Sandpiper Nursery School.

I DON'T Love Your children!

“Do you know what I say to couples who turn up in my courtroom?  First, I ask them what they are doing in my courtroom. They explain they are there to settle a custody issue. I then ask them, "Do you love your children? Well, then what are you doing here?  BECAUSE, I DON’T LOVE YOUR CHILDREN. I don’t even know your children and you are putting your children into the hands of a total stranger who doesn’t love them.”

The above is a true statement by a well respected New York judge.

So often if you have locked horns with your spouse you think that there has got to be a fair, impartial, and honest judge who will see the situation from your perspective and choose what you know is best for your kids. After all that is the mandate and mantra of the family court system, to decide “in the best interests of the children”. But as you can see, even terrific judges can’t know your children as well as their parents and while you may think it is obvious what should be decided, it may not appear that way to someone who doesn’t know anything about you, your spouse or your children.

When you decide to go to court keep in mind that you are losing control of your ability to make decisions for your family. No matter what you say, after a judge has ruled, you will be given a court order to follow through with his/her decision and you are bound by that order unless you return to court to appeal the judgement.

Read Kathleen Costello Bar-Tur’s posting on The New York Center for Divorce & Family Mediation blog.

Is there an affordable way for couples to avoid such situations, to maintain control of their divorce and to develop their own fair and lasting solutions outside the courtroom?

Yes.  One way, rather than taking a confrontational position, is to try divorce mediation.

To learn more about divorce mediation, contact me today at Alan@FalmouthMediation.com or 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, confidential consultation.

New Mass. alimony law a ‘model’ — but is it working?

It is 20 months since Massachusetts’ sweeping alimony law went into effect, replacing an old system marred by inequities and abuses, including, in some cases, alimony payments for life, even for short-term marriages.  The new law, which went into effect March 1, 2012, was hailed as the most dramatic reform in family law in decades and as a model nationwide, with alimony based on need. 

But the law, while a clear improvement, hasn’t been the hoped-for panacea. Judges, lawyers, claimants, and advocates complain that its language is unclear and confusing on key issues, leading some judges to misinterpret the law, and others to simply ignore it.

This Boston Globe article tells the stories of two couples who chose to spend large investments of time and money and suffer the antagonism and stress that adversarial litigation almost always requires only to find themselves arguing with judges over the interpretation of Massachusetts’ alimony law.

Is there an affordable way for couples to avoid such situations, to maintain control of their divorce and to develop their own fair and lasting solutions outside the courtroom?

Yes.  One way, rather than taking a confrontational position, is to try divorce mediation.

Read Bella English’s article in The Boston Globe.

To learn more about divorce mediation, contact me today at Alan@FalmouthMediation.com or 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, confidential consultation.

The Smart Way To Handle Family Fights About Aging Parents

Family conflicts can be so emotional and painful.   As parents age, many problems can crop up among adult siblings and sometimes with the elder himself.  Many of these problems arise from financial issues and caregiver issues. 

When adult children don’t get along, they usually just avoid each other.  That works, sort of. Until the aging parent becomes difficult, infirm or has a crisis.  The siblings are then forced to come together to make important decisions.  Then, buried resentments, sometimes decades old, rear their ugly heads. A tough situation gets even more difficult.

Is there a way out of these situations that does not involve spending resources on lawyers all too happy to bill for their time to advocate for each party’s position?

There is indeed.  One good way out of these conflicts is through mediation of family disputes, also called elder mediation.

Read Carolyn Rosenblatt’s posting on Forbes’ Personal Finance blog.

To learn more about elder mediation, contact me today at Alan@FalmouthMediation.com or 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, confidential consultation.

Gray Divorce – Why Divorce Mediation Might Be Right for You

Traditionally, the older the married couple, the less likely the chance of a divorce. However, according to a recent article published by the New York Times, while divorce rates over all have stabilized and even inched downward, the divorce rate among those 50 and older has grown in the last fifty years from 2.8 percent to 15.4 percent. For the first time, more Americans 50 and older are divorced than widowed, and the numbers are growing as baby boomers live longer. Sociologists call them gray divorcees.

As I’ve written in previous postings, reasons vary. Longer lives could mean more years with a spouse who they no longer want to live with. Having grown and moved on, their children are no longer a reason to stay together. There is less of a stigma about divorce. More women are working, with some out-earning their spouses.

Regardless of the reason, rising divorce rates among the older American population has serious implications that go well beyond the couples themselves. Researchers at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio say that just like widowhood, divorce can contribute to economic strain and poor health, placing a larger burden on children and, given shrinking family size, on institutional support from government and other sources.

 “It’s still true that in general the longer you are married, the lower your chance of divorce, but it’s sure no guarantee anymore,” said Stephanie Coontz, a  family history professor at Evergreen State College in Washington State, in a statement in the New York Times.

“I don’t necessarily think this will accelerate, but I don’t expect it to go down,” she said. “Staying together until death do us part is a bigger challenge than it used to be because we expect so much more of marriage than we did in the past, and we have so many more options when a marriage doesn’t live up to those expectations.

“The extension of the active, healthy life span is a big part of this,” Professor Coontz said. “If you are a healthy 65, you can expect another pretty healthy 20 years. So with the kids gone, it seems more burdensome to stay in a bad relationship, or even one that has grown stale.”

Divorce Mediation is a Better Option

Divorce mediation certainly won’t fix a marriage, but it can help the situation when older couples divorce. Often, the couples still care a great deal for one another, but have simply grown apart and no longer wish to share their lives together. They don’t want to waste their time going through lengthy court battles or wasting their hard-earned savings.

Divorce mediation provides them an opportunity to control their cost and timelines, to focus on their future needs and goals, and to maintain a healthy family.  To learn more about divorce mediation, contact me today at Alan@FalmouthMediation.com or 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, confidential consultation.

The Silver Divorce: 4 Mistakes That Can Affect Retirement

Silver couples are divorcing now more than ever. The divorce rate among 49- to 67-year-olds has grown more than 50 percent according to the latest statistics. And, unfortunately, many of these newly-single baby boomers lose much of their retirement in wake of divorce.

Retirement is an ongoing fear most couples have in divorce proceedings. Women fear being able to afford retirement in general while men fear it will be delayed. Retirement can be preserved when you make the right financial decisions with the help of a divorce mediator. When it comes to divorce, a mediator aims for mutual collaboration and can be far more productive in splitting assets so no one gets left out in the dust.

Read Nancy Fagan's article on four mistakes to avoid to preserve couples' retirement.

Could A Shorter Commute Save Your Marriage?

How long is your commute to work? If it's longer than 45 minutes, according to this study you're 40% more likely to get divorced.

Why the steep rise in divorce rates due to a long commute? I'm sure there are a number of reasons, but here are a few theories:

1. One partner may have to take a job closer to home.
2. Time is the glue that holds relationships together.
3. The money is rarely worth it.
4. Long commutes are stressful.
5. The guilt could eventually get to you.

Maybe you don't have a choice. Maybe a long commute is your only option. In that case, it's best to make the most of it and do what you can to make the rest of the time at home count.

Read the full text of Dharmesh Shah's article.

Turning Towards An Alternate View of Divorce

Sometimes it happens. Two people fall out of love and lose their connection to one another.   Maybe they’ve tried hard to fix things, to no avail.  Maybe they have kept things going for so long that they run out of the energy or willingness to continue.  Maybe being together just doesn’t make sense anymore.  It happens, quite often, in fact.   That doesn’t mean these people are failures or that they are bad people.  But that’s probably what they’re thinking about themselves, due mostly to the dominant perception and narrative surrounding marriage. 

Couldn’t there be another way to look at it?  Isn’t it possible for this to be the best decision for two people, and their family?   I would say, it happens.  And if care is taken in the process, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.  Instead it could be a wonderful beginning.

Read the rest of Andy Kang's alternative view of divorce in his post on the MWI Divorce Mediation Blog.

7 Tips for an Amicable Divorce

Amicable divorce: Fact or fiction? The answer is: Fact AND fiction. Divorce, whether through mediation or litigation, is not going to be a totally smooth ride without any bumps. Having an amicable divorce might seem like an impossible goal.  However, there are some steps you can take to make sure your divorce is amicable and as civil as possible.

If you keep these points outlined by Manish Mathur in his blog posting on MWI's Divorce Mediation Blog in mind, the divorce process might just become a little easier.

Navigating a Successful Divorce - Falmouth Community (Night) School - Oct. 2, 2013

Divorce doesn't have to be messy, and it also doesn't have to be extremely expensive. The truth of the matter is that while ending a marriage can be painful, frustrating, frightening, and completely life altering, in most cases both parties want to avoid the large investment of time and money and the antagonism and stress that can sometimes come with the divorce process. If you are contemplating divorce, starting the process, or looking at settlement options, this workshop could be for you. Join Falmouth and Boston mediators Alan Jacobs and Josh Hoch who will look at the common concerns which need to be addressed during a divorce. You’ll gain an understanding of issues including child custody, child and spousal support, insurance, and asset, liability and property division to help you make informed decisions regarding your divorce. Time will also be spent introducing you to the various ways of getting a divorce including doing it yourself, using a mediator, and the different ways attorneys can be helpful. Participants will receive extensive handouts and resource lists.

For more information or to register, please visit the Falmouth Community (Night) School web site.

The Leading Causes of Divorce

The article below is reprinted from PRWeb.

If you think that incompatibility, infidelity, and money issues can lead a couple straight to divorce, you might just be right.

According to an August 2013 survey of 191 CDFA professionals from across North America, the three leading causes of divorce are basic incompatibility (43%), infidelity (28%), and money issues (22%). “Many couples lack the communication skills necessary to navigate financial disagreements in their marriage,” noted one respondent. “The emotional connection of money with safety and security in many people makes the financial disagreements more salient than other disagreements.”

“The incompatibility is usually caused by one or more of the other choices,” another CDFA professional added.

Several of the CDFA professionals surveyed noted that the most commonly-cited cause of divorce they hear from their clients – “basic incompatibility” – is usually created by deeper issues somewhere in the relationship – usually an emotional, physical, or financial breech of trust. This may help to explain the difference in findings between this survey and the findings of a 2012 academic study. “Examining the Relationship Between Financial Issues and Divorce” published in the Family Relations journal (v. 61, No. 4, Oct. 2012), looked at data for 4,574 couples as part of the U.S.-based “National Survey of Families and Households”. In the study, researchers Jeffrey Dew, Sonya Britt, and Sandra Huston examined data related to what couples argue about – including children, money, in-laws, and spending time together – and then looked at which of those couples were divorced four to five years later. According to the study, financial disagreements were the strongest disagreement types to predict divorce for both men and women.

In a poll conducted by http://www.DivorceMagazine.com this summer, the leading cause of divorce was found to be financial issues, followed closely by basic incompatibility. “During the divorce, the two most contentious issues are usually finances and children – in that order,” says Dan Couvrette, publisher of Divorce Magazine. “If there are no children, then basic incompatibility and communication problems follow on the heels of money problems.”

“I have long believed financial disagreements to be the most common cause of marital conflict and ultimately divorce,” says Justin A. Reckers, a CDFA professional based in Dan Diego, CA. “Now we have empirical evidence proving this is the case across all socio-economic classes.” Disparate goals and values around money coupled with the power and control financial prosperity represents makes money a common battle ground in marriages, Reckers adds. During their divorce, a couple may be playing out the same financial conflicts they had during their marriage. “Research is telling us to be cautious because these financial disagreements may have been the building blocks for the conflict that ended their marriage in the first place,” Reckers points out. As a CDFA professional, he helps couples to “realize their financial conflicts are usually just difficult decision-making processes set against the back-drop of competing goals and values. When clients realize this, the conflict becomes manageable and cases settle,” Reckers concludes.

If marriage is all about love, then divorce is all about money. “And when people are going through a divorce, they must keep their focus on the money,” says Jeffrey A. Landers, a CDFA professional based in New York, NY. The author of "Divorce: Think Financially, Not Emotionally" (Sourced Media Books, 2012), Landers adds that divorces are now much more financially complicated than they were just ten or 15 years ago. “Today, it’s not unusual for marital assets to include residential and commercial real estate, sophisticated financial investments, complex employee compensation packages, and closely-held businesses or professional practices,” he says. “Finances, financial projections and analyses aren’t taught in law school – and good divorce attorneys understand they don’t have the expertise and/or the time to handle the financial complexities of their clients’ cases.” This means that more and more divorce attorneys are now encouraging their clients to hire a skilled CDFA professional to assist in their case.

“If a divorcing person hopes to lock in a secure financial future for themselves and their children, then it is vitally important to have a divorce financial advisor on their team,” asserts Landers. “And not just any financial advisor: they need one with the training and experience to handle their specific set of circumstances.”

CDFA professionals are found throughout the US and Canada, from California to New York to Toronto. For more information about how CDFA professionals help divorcing couples make better financial decisions, visit http://www.InstituteDFA.com.

Should I Get a Divorce?

Making the choice to divorce is never something that should be taken lightly. It’s a life-changing choice that will affect you for many years to come – especially if you have children. While there’s no easy answer to the question, “Should I get a divorce?” there are certain things to consider that may make it a little easier to make a final decision about your life and the future of your relationship. 

Read a few questions to ask yourself in determining whether divorce is the right option for you in Cheryl Dillon’s Equitable Mediation blog.