How to Deal When Your Ex-spouse and Co-parent Won't Cooperate

When a co-parent won't cooperate or stop fighting, it can be positively maddening. Ex-spouses can become immersed in rage, frustration, and a sense of powerlessness when their co-parenting partnership isn't working. This can leave little energy for either to move ahead with their post-divorce lives.

You cannot force an uncooperative co-parent to stop fighting. You can take them to court and make their choice to misbehave costly and time consuming (for you both). You can do this repeatedly. Unfortunately, co-parents focused on being destructive or on hurting their ex can always find new ways to do so.

The more you understand about why your ex won't give up the fight the better your chances at figuring out what to do. Read Betsy Ross' post on the Huffington Post's Divorce Blog for five issues to consider.

It's upsetting to have an ex-spouse continue fighting with you after your marriage is done, particularly when the ex-spouse is your children's co-parent. Taking time to think about why this is happening and exploring the possibilities can yield helpful information and lead to new ideas about how to stop fighting and move yourself forward.

Whose Home For The Holidays?

Is it hard to decide where you or your kids should go for upcoming holidays or winter break? If so, we can help.

Falmouth Mediation is offering one hour of free mediation to help couples and ex-couples agree on holiday schedules for their families.

  

Families who may benefit from this service include:

• Divorced or estranged co-parents who need to plan holiday schedules for their children, and
• Families who struggle with a surplus of invitations and demands from various relatives.

“All families experience additional stress during celebrations and holidays, but divorced or estranged families can be pushed to the limit.” says Alan Jacobs, mediator at Falmouth Mediation. “Restructuring a family in even in the most amicable divorce is not easy. Roles are altered; traditions change, and parents spend important celebrations and holidays without their children. Our goal is to give families a chance to resolve their disagreements, minimize their antagonism, and ensure their holidays have positive and significant meaning.”

Alan brings over 25 years of experience helping people manage difficult negotiations and resolve tough issues. All mediations will be private and confidential.

To schedule your appointment or for additional information, please contact Alan Jacobs at Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 or Alan@FalmouthMediation.com.

Falmouth Mediation is a full-service, client-centered mediation practice focusing on divorce, family and business mediation. Focused on providing an affordable forum for assisting families, individuals, groups and businesses, Falmouth Mediation helps its clients to develop their own fair and lasting solutions outside the courtroom. 

Falmouth Mediation is located at 184 Jones Road, Falmouth, MA.  Our handicapped-accessible office is located in the Healing Point office in the Homeport Office Park next to the Sandpiper Nursery School.

I DON'T Love Your children!

“Do you know what I say to couples who turn up in my courtroom?  First, I ask them what they are doing in my courtroom. They explain they are there to settle a custody issue. I then ask them, "Do you love your children? Well, then what are you doing here?  BECAUSE, I DON’T LOVE YOUR CHILDREN. I don’t even know your children and you are putting your children into the hands of a total stranger who doesn’t love them.”

The above is a true statement by a well respected New York judge.

So often if you have locked horns with your spouse you think that there has got to be a fair, impartial, and honest judge who will see the situation from your perspective and choose what you know is best for your kids. After all that is the mandate and mantra of the family court system, to decide “in the best interests of the children”. But as you can see, even terrific judges can’t know your children as well as their parents and while you may think it is obvious what should be decided, it may not appear that way to someone who doesn’t know anything about you, your spouse or your children.

When you decide to go to court keep in mind that you are losing control of your ability to make decisions for your family. No matter what you say, after a judge has ruled, you will be given a court order to follow through with his/her decision and you are bound by that order unless you return to court to appeal the judgement.

Read Kathleen Costello Bar-Tur’s posting on The New York Center for Divorce & Family Mediation blog.

Is there an affordable way for couples to avoid such situations, to maintain control of their divorce and to develop their own fair and lasting solutions outside the courtroom?

Yes.  One way, rather than taking a confrontational position, is to try divorce mediation.

To learn more about divorce mediation, contact me today at Alan@FalmouthMediation.com or 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, confidential consultation.

New Mass. alimony law a ‘model’ — but is it working?

It is 20 months since Massachusetts’ sweeping alimony law went into effect, replacing an old system marred by inequities and abuses, including, in some cases, alimony payments for life, even for short-term marriages.  The new law, which went into effect March 1, 2012, was hailed as the most dramatic reform in family law in decades and as a model nationwide, with alimony based on need. 

But the law, while a clear improvement, hasn’t been the hoped-for panacea. Judges, lawyers, claimants, and advocates complain that its language is unclear and confusing on key issues, leading some judges to misinterpret the law, and others to simply ignore it.

This Boston Globe article tells the stories of two couples who chose to spend large investments of time and money and suffer the antagonism and stress that adversarial litigation almost always requires only to find themselves arguing with judges over the interpretation of Massachusetts’ alimony law.

Is there an affordable way for couples to avoid such situations, to maintain control of their divorce and to develop their own fair and lasting solutions outside the courtroom?

Yes.  One way, rather than taking a confrontational position, is to try divorce mediation.

Read Bella English’s article in The Boston Globe.

To learn more about divorce mediation, contact me today at Alan@FalmouthMediation.com or 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, confidential consultation.

The Smart Way To Handle Family Fights About Aging Parents

Family conflicts can be so emotional and painful.   As parents age, many problems can crop up among adult siblings and sometimes with the elder himself.  Many of these problems arise from financial issues and caregiver issues. 

When adult children don’t get along, they usually just avoid each other.  That works, sort of. Until the aging parent becomes difficult, infirm or has a crisis.  The siblings are then forced to come together to make important decisions.  Then, buried resentments, sometimes decades old, rear their ugly heads. A tough situation gets even more difficult.

Is there a way out of these situations that does not involve spending resources on lawyers all too happy to bill for their time to advocate for each party’s position?

There is indeed.  One good way out of these conflicts is through mediation of family disputes, also called elder mediation.

Read Carolyn Rosenblatt’s posting on Forbes’ Personal Finance blog.

To learn more about elder mediation, contact me today at Alan@FalmouthMediation.com or 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, confidential consultation.

Gray Divorce – Why Divorce Mediation Might Be Right for You

Traditionally, the older the married couple, the less likely the chance of a divorce. However, according to a recent article published by the New York Times, while divorce rates over all have stabilized and even inched downward, the divorce rate among those 50 and older has grown in the last fifty years from 2.8 percent to 15.4 percent. For the first time, more Americans 50 and older are divorced than widowed, and the numbers are growing as baby boomers live longer. Sociologists call them gray divorcees.

As I’ve written in previous postings, reasons vary. Longer lives could mean more years with a spouse who they no longer want to live with. Having grown and moved on, their children are no longer a reason to stay together. There is less of a stigma about divorce. More women are working, with some out-earning their spouses.

Regardless of the reason, rising divorce rates among the older American population has serious implications that go well beyond the couples themselves. Researchers at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio say that just like widowhood, divorce can contribute to economic strain and poor health, placing a larger burden on children and, given shrinking family size, on institutional support from government and other sources.

 “It’s still true that in general the longer you are married, the lower your chance of divorce, but it’s sure no guarantee anymore,” said Stephanie Coontz, a  family history professor at Evergreen State College in Washington State, in a statement in the New York Times.

“I don’t necessarily think this will accelerate, but I don’t expect it to go down,” she said. “Staying together until death do us part is a bigger challenge than it used to be because we expect so much more of marriage than we did in the past, and we have so many more options when a marriage doesn’t live up to those expectations.

“The extension of the active, healthy life span is a big part of this,” Professor Coontz said. “If you are a healthy 65, you can expect another pretty healthy 20 years. So with the kids gone, it seems more burdensome to stay in a bad relationship, or even one that has grown stale.”

Divorce Mediation is a Better Option

Divorce mediation certainly won’t fix a marriage, but it can help the situation when older couples divorce. Often, the couples still care a great deal for one another, but have simply grown apart and no longer wish to share their lives together. They don’t want to waste their time going through lengthy court battles or wasting their hard-earned savings.

Divorce mediation provides them an opportunity to control their cost and timelines, to focus on their future needs and goals, and to maintain a healthy family.  To learn more about divorce mediation, contact me today at Alan@FalmouthMediation.com or 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, confidential consultation.

The Silver Divorce: 4 Mistakes That Can Affect Retirement

Silver couples are divorcing now more than ever. The divorce rate among 49- to 67-year-olds has grown more than 50 percent according to the latest statistics. And, unfortunately, many of these newly-single baby boomers lose much of their retirement in wake of divorce.

Retirement is an ongoing fear most couples have in divorce proceedings. Women fear being able to afford retirement in general while men fear it will be delayed. Retirement can be preserved when you make the right financial decisions with the help of a divorce mediator. When it comes to divorce, a mediator aims for mutual collaboration and can be far more productive in splitting assets so no one gets left out in the dust.

Read Nancy Fagan's article on four mistakes to avoid to preserve couples' retirement.

Could A Shorter Commute Save Your Marriage?

How long is your commute to work? If it's longer than 45 minutes, according to this study you're 40% more likely to get divorced.

Why the steep rise in divorce rates due to a long commute? I'm sure there are a number of reasons, but here are a few theories:

1. One partner may have to take a job closer to home.
2. Time is the glue that holds relationships together.
3. The money is rarely worth it.
4. Long commutes are stressful.
5. The guilt could eventually get to you.

Maybe you don't have a choice. Maybe a long commute is your only option. In that case, it's best to make the most of it and do what you can to make the rest of the time at home count.

Read the full text of Dharmesh Shah's article.