The Many Faces of Mediation: Elder Parents & Adult Siblings

Mediation can be extremely helpful in discussing difficult issues that arise with respect to elder parents and their adult children.

There are many concerns that need to be addressed as a parent ages. These concerns may focus on:

·         Housing and living arrangements

·         Need for additional caregiving

·         Need for financial help

·         Quality of life

·         Healthcare decisions

·         Estate planning

In this excellent blog posting, Susan Ingram, speaks about how mediation provides an excellent forum to bring the family members together to discuss these issues and reach pragmatic solutions. It’s important to have all of the stakeholders be part of this conversation. Stakeholders would include the elder parent, if at all possible, as well as all siblings and other family members who want to be involved.

At Falmouth Mediation we work with and support families in having the discussions necessary to work through these critical residential decisions. With training in issues related to estates, eldercare and social gerontology we can help facilitate family discussions about matters relating to safety, finances and capabilities while keeping in mind the senior’s desire for individual control and respect.

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in family decision making, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if elder mediation would be beneficial.

Does Divorce Mediation Work?

The infographic below provides information related to divorce and divorce mediation. It was developed by TopCounselingSchools.org.

As a divorce and family mediator, I find it exciting to see an infographic on this topic however, the mentioning of "mediation reaching agreement in 50 - 80% of cases" understates the success rate at Falmouth Mediation.

Research also shows that:

• Mediated agreements have higher compliance rates than court-ordered agreements; 
• Participants have higher levels of satisfaction with mediated agreements, and that 
• Both parents are more likely to stay involved in their children's lives after attending mediation. A study shows that just "5 hours of mediation caused nonresidential parents to see their children much more often 12 years later". 

All of this makes sense when you consider that mediation provides an opportunity for parents to work together to create the terms of their agreement.

 
Source: TopCounselingSchools.org

The Real Christmas Gift for Kids

I’ve written before on how the holiday season can stir up deep emotions, especially for newly separated parents. And the temptation to compete with the other parent can be great. Yet that competition is a sure way to hurt children and the parents as well.

Gary Direnfeld, in this excellent posting on Mediate.com, writes about how, even though parents argue as to the best residential schedule, choice of school, faith, holiday time, Christmas and extra-curricular activities, these issues are simply not as predictive for the outcome of children of separated parents as conflict alone.

More to the point, the greater the parental conflict, the greater the risk for the child having a poor developmental trajectory. Children who are subject to ongoing parental hostilities are more apt to have school related problems, social difficulties, early onset sexual behavior, a greater likelihood of drug/alcohol related problems, school failure, vocational difficulties and then issues in their adult intimate relationships. The parents of these children are at risk of having problematic relationship with their children not only as youngsters but when their children are adults too.

To the degree one or both parents can remain neutral in the face of provocation and conflict, the children are better served and the risk profile is improved. This may mean one parent acquiesces to the demands of the other, assuming not totally lopsided, dangerous or abusive. In so doing, this parent elevates the need of the child to be spared the parental conflict and thus subordinates their needs or wants to facilitate peace. While this parent may fee like they are losing something in the moment, this parent may actually gain the better life-long relationship with their child in return.

That child, come adulthood, eventually develops a realistic appraisal of both parents and comes to appreciate the sacrifice of one in the face of the demands of the other. That adult child, no long bound by parental control can then re-right the balance and chose to prioritize the parent that more facilitated peace.

If you and your spouse could benefit from structured assistance in making decision during your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

5 Things to Know Before Asking for a Divorce During the Holidays

Relationship breakdowns -- and breakups -- don't stop because just the calendar says it's the holidays.

If anything, the stressors of the season -- parties filled with seemingly happy couples and the promise of the coming new year--can send already fragile relationships into a death spiral.  Buried beneath the wrapping paper and holiday cheer, many of us are struggling with the state of our marriages. 

If you're among those facing the end of a relationship, Michelle Crosby, in this posting on the Huff Post Divorce blog offers a few thoughts on how to best manage your emotions and actions through the holidays.

Divorce is never easy. The holidays add an additional level of complexity and context that should not be ignored -- not just because of the immediate discomfort, but also because of the potential long-term side effects that could poison your relationship with your kids, extended family and the holidays themselves.

If you and your spouse could benefit from structured assistance in making decision during your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

The 'I' Within 'We' Creates a Powerful Identity

At the core of every endeavor, relationship and communication is a personal, mystifying and sometimes paralyzing question, Who am I?

Identity Is Our Core

At the core our identity is the foundation of how we see ourselves in the context of our relationships with others. When we are secure in our identity, our sense of self-trust grows. And yet, no matter how secure we think we are, we can be shaken from time to time. Why?

Research at the Harvard Negotiation Project indicates that everyone is subject to unexpected Identity Threats that trigger us back into unconscious behaviors that originate in the past. When our identity is threatened, our purpose shifts from problem solving, innovation, and relationship building to an impulsive need to defend, protect, or withdraw.

That I, unfortunately, see such behaviors all too often with my divorce mediation clients is perfectly understandable.  This excellent posting by my friend, Mary Ann Somerville and Judith Glaser, on the Huff Post, outlines seven universal threats that result in a sense of threat, confusion, exaggerated internal self-talk including projected blame or unjustifiable self-criticism, heart palpitations, sweating, incapacity to articulate our thoughts or feelings etc.

Even in the best of circumstances, the end of a significant relationship involves intense emotions which often create many of these universal threats making it difficult for two people to resolve issues on their own.  At Falmouth Mediation we are professionals who can allow each person to have their feelings, without those feelings spilling over and jeopardizing your ability to reach fair agreements.

If you and your spouse could benefit from structured assistance in making decision during your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

To Move or Not To Move an Elder

Four out of ten American adults provide care for an aging relative, a figure that is projected to rise dramatically in the next decade.  If you are among these adult caregivers, you are intimately familiar with the myriad of issues you face and the enormity of the challenges that accompany your role.  Whether you are caregiving now, or know that it is only a matter of time before you will be, a threshold issue that may well arise during the caregiving period is where the person for whom you are providing care will live.

The issue of an elder’s possible move is complex and laden with layers of emotion.  It is not uncommon for an elder to have lived in their home for thirty, forty, or even fifty years.  Their home is the place where they metaphorically “grew up,” where they raised their children, where the family congregates, where the stories of their lives are shared and displayed. Many cannot bear to even consider, much less discuss, leaving the place that means everything to them.

Halee Burg, in this excellent blog posting on Mediate.com, looks at some common scenarios where:

• An elder wants to remain in the place they consider home. 
• A spouse, adult child or other caregiver believes it is time to consider a different living arrangement. 
• Conversation has stalled, family tensions are on the rise and no decisions are being made. 

In the silence that ensues, elders and each of their caregivers are likely to become further entrenched in their positions, perhaps straining or fracturing the close bonds each family has shared.

At Falmouth Mediation we work with and support families in having the discussions necessary to work through these critical residential decisions. With training in issues related to estates, eldercare and social gerontology we can help facilitate family discussions about matters relating to safety, finances and capabilities while keeping in mind the senior’s desire for individual control and respect.

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in family decision making, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if elder me­diation would be beneficial.

5 Ways to Protect Children During Divorce

How will divorce impact your children? This question keeps parents awake at night at all stages of the divorce process. Fear of harming your children might have even been a reason you stayed in an unhappy marriage for longer than you wanted to. Wondering what is best for your kids and navigating the optimal way to get them through the transition might feel like a constant struggle.

Deborah Anderson Bialis, in this excellent posting on the Huff Post Divorce blog, outlines five concrete ways to minimize negative impacts divorce might have on your kids and to make the transition more positive.

1.      Try an amicable alternative to litigation.

2.      Insulate your children from the drama.

3.      Invest in a good therapist (or two!).

4.      Take care of yourself.

5.      Constantly communicate: the divorce is NOT their fault!

Give us a call today (508) 540-1628 to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation for you and your spouse and learn how mediation can help you decrease contentiousness and make the process faster, meaning your children will be exposed to less acrimony and uncertainty.