Be Wary of Friendly Advice

It’s only natural that friends and family volunteer all sorts of information as to what happened to them, or other people they know, when they got divorced. Like Susan Ingram, in this excellent blog posting, the clients I see in my divorce mediation practice often come to me with preconceived and incorrect information as to what they believe they are “entitled to” as part of their divorce settlement.

The problem with listening to the advice of family and friends is that the circumstances of each divorce are different. Furthermore, the decisions that are made – either by a couple themselves if they are mediating, or by a judge if they are litigating – depend upon the combined and unique facts of each particular case.

Like Susan, as the couple’s mediator, I can tell them what the statutes and case law provide. If they ask, I can also advise them what other couples have done in similar circumstances. And I can help them brainstorm alternative approaches to resolve difficult issues.

What I can’t do is advocate for either one or give them separate legal advice regarding their decisions. That information would need to be provided by each party’s review attorney.  I always strongly recommend that each party consult with his or her own attorney to review the settlement agreement I’ve prepared for them.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

“I wish my parents would get back together again.”

As the winter holiday season approaches, it is common for young children to get excited about the prospect of writing a letter to “Santa”. A letter to Santa is a direct line to communicate their utmost desire whether it is in the request of a coveted toy or something much more personal such as their family getting back together.


It’s often painful for parents when they hear their child say, “I want Mommy and Daddy to get back together again”, knowing this is not going to happen, and especially during the holiday season.

In this excellent blog posting, Ann Marie Termini outlines things parents can do to help their child accept the situation:

• Make it clear to your children that you will not reunite.
• Continually explain what is happening.
• Reassure your child that it’s not their fault and it is nothing that they can change.  

Divorcing During the Holiday Season

It's holiday time, and if you're in the midst of a major transition, it can be one of the most challenging (certainly not "the most wonderful") times of the year. Twinkling lights, cheery carols and holiday shopping can bring more sadness than joy ... especially when your world is falling apart.

Traditions create the magic of holidays. They keep us grounded. Change, on the other hand, often knocks us off our feet. And separation and divorce changes nearly everything. They can divide our friendships, the family we get to celebrate with, and the holiday parties we are invited to. They even change how we play Santa.

In this excellent blog posting Sharon Zarozny offers some great suggestions on how to cope during the holiday season:

• Most important, with kindness and patience ... toward yourself.
• Remind yourself: This is a temporary condition.
• Understand that bumps in the road are an inevitable part of life.
• Ditch the traditions you don't enjoy and create new ones you'll treasure. 
• Ask yourself: Was I really "living the dream"?    

Intergenerational Conversations About Care and Assets That One Family Did Not Have Until Too Late

Older relatives fall gravely ill. Their wishes regarding their care and assets are unclear. Siblings converge, huddle, bicker, then go to war with one another. Money goes to lawyers that could have gone to heirs, and fissures form that never heal.

Amanda Brown's film, “Black Heirlooms,” is a personal and cultural examination about the extended uncomfortable, intergenerational conversations that we do not have enough of and that her family did not have until it was too late.

Many adult siblings are having a difficult time as they face their parents’ aging and related deci­sions regarding caregiving, healthcare, property distribution, estate planning, and more.

When you and your family face decisions related to aging loved ones, it can be difficult to com­municate and make decisions together given the many different opinions and emotions involved. When these changes become so difficult that an older adult is suffering or a family is divided, many families seek help to de­velop new ways of coping with their evolving relationships and changing realities.

Family and elder mediation bene­fits families who are unable to engage constructively in difficult conversations on behalf of aging loved ones. It provides an op­portunity for the elder and all concerned family members to communicate more effectively in order to reach agreement regard­ing important decisions in a way that can both prepare for the future and preserve relationships.

The Shocking Cost of Divorce

While the added expense of living in two separate households may be obvious in a divorce case,  consider the insane cost of legal fees if you and your spouse choose to litigate your divorce.

In this excellent blog posting, Cris Pastore outlines some of the additional costs you may be faced with if to go to court.  Consultation fees, retainer fees, court hearings for child custody, child support, and equitable distribution of marital property can easily result in 2-4 year court battles and $40,000 or more in counsel fees.

What if you could avoid excessive legal costs - and still be able to work out a fair arrangement?  You can choose divorce mediation to resolve your separation or divorce.  But there is one catch, you and your spouse have to both agree to do this. 

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

How to Get a Mortgage After a Divorce

In a divorce, it's bad enough that you're losing someone you once loved or may still love. It’s even worse when you find out you may lose your house, too.

In this very informative article, Geoff Williams writes how, whether you're in the midst of a divorce or its aftermath, there are some things you can do to land a mortgage and what you can reasonably expect.

Uncontested Divorce - We Agree On Everything?

In Massachusetts, there are two broad categories of divorce: contested and uncontested. An uncontested divorce is defined as "both people agree about everything they file." 

This might lead many couples in the midst of marital conflict - perhaps fighting about more issues than they agree upon - to think uncontested divorce isn't right for them. In fact, the term "uncontested divorce" and its standard definition are somewhat misleading and can lead divorcing spouses to prematurely limit their options.

In this excellent blog posting Rackham Karlsson address two common myths about uncontested divorce:

Myth #1: Uncontested divorce is only for couples who agree on everything.

In fact, many uncontested divorces involve a period of deliberation and negotiation about important issues in the divorce, such as asset division, child support and/or alimony, and parenting schedules
 
Myth #2: Uncontested divorce is easy.

Getting to the point where you can file for an uncontested divorce can be hard, especially if there are children involved. You are taking a family's resources — time, money, energy — and dividing them between two households. Nobody will emerge from the process unaffected.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial. 

What Does It Mean To Be "Fair" During A Divorce?

The other day a client called looking for a referral to a divorce attorney.  She and her spouse had agreed on distribution of their assets and liabilities and she was concerned if their agreement was "equitable" as defined by Massachusetts law.

It took a while for her to understand that, within reason, an equitable distribution was in the eyes of the beholder and very specific to her and her spouse's situation rather than something for which she needed to get a legal opinion.

In this excellent blog posting, Ben Stich writes how trying to make equal decisions in marriages and divorces is possible but probably won’t get couples what they need.  Instead, while trying to make fair and reasonable decisions in marriages and divorces might be harder, it will improve communication, decrease resentment, and far more likely give both parties what they need.

A College Financial Aid Guide for Families Who Have Saved Nothing

Whenever I mediate divorcing couples with minor children, one area of great concern is funding their children's college education. Facing the prospect of maintaining separate households without any increase in income, parents understandably are concerned and often feel helpless about their ability to save for the increasingly huge cost of today's college costs.

This excellent article in The New York Times by Ron Lieber offers a guide for families staggering into their children's senior year and trying to make one of the biggest financial decisions of their lives.

How to Exit a Marriage Gracefully

Michael Cheshire's recent "An Open Letter to My Ex-Wife." marvelously encapsulates much of the spirit and perspective I wish more divorcing spouses could find their way to embrace. 

• Be grateful for the good times.
• Share responsibility.
• Focus on the children.
• Keep a sense of humor.

In the midst of divorce, it might seem impossible to imagine writing these sorts of things about one's ex-spouse. As Cheshire writes, "Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is." But this open letter is a standing testament to the fact that it is possible. If you are going through a divorce and have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, this just might be the one piece you want to keep pinned to your refrigerator.

(This posting reprinted from Rackham Karlsson's posting on Zephyr Legal Services, LLC)

Don't Hire a Pit Bull Attorney When Divorcing

Many people think that when they become involved in a lawsuit—including divorce—they need to find a lawyer who is a “fighter,” or “pit bull”

In this excellent blog posting Randi Kreger writes that "strong, proactive, and even aggressive representation doesn't necessarily equate with the 'pit bull model.'"

• What the public doesn't realize is that highly contentious individuals (attorneys included) usually place self-interest above all else. They know that the more hours they charge, the more money they will make. Attorneys who charge lower hourly rates could cost their client significantly more in legal fees by doing things that result in more billable time.

• If you start off on the wrong foot by hiring an attorney who heightens conflict, you may not only find it far more difficult to co-parent together, but you may likely find yourself regularly returning to court as a result. This can result in financial hemorrhaging from which you may never recover.

•  Ultimately, the difficult client and difficult attorney won't be able to treat each other any differently than they treat anyone else. These sorts of mismatching are why clients might go through several different attorneys in course of a single particular legal proceeding. Be thoughtful in your selection of an attorney. 

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial. 

The “Good Enough” Settlement Agreement

In this excellent blog posting, Susan Ingram writes about how, all too often, our society assumes that conflict needs to be resolved in an adversarial process through our court system. So, for instance, in the case of a contested (litigated) divorce, this adversarial process encourages each party’s lawyer to fixate only on getting as much as possible for their client, to the detriment of the other.

They’re aiming for the perfect agreement. But the problem is, it ends up being the perfect agreement for one side only. For the other side, it’s very much less than perfect and, in fact, it can be devastating for the other party as well as for the children of the marriage who are caught in the middle of the conflict.

Now, contrast that with couples who instead seek an uncontested divorce through the process of mediation. Most already understand to some degree that their agreement cannot be one-sided (that is, it can’t be the perfect agreement for just one of them), and that they need to work together so that it works out best for everyone – both of them and their children. To that end, like Susan, as their mediator, I help them identify their needs, problem-solve and reach solutions that they see as basically fair for both.

Psychological Tasks of Children of Divorce

Obviously, divorce and family separation is a major adjustment for children. Separation can jeopardize a child’s sense of security, create confusion and fear about the future.

In this excellent article Ann Marie Termini writes about the work of an early pioneer in the field of divorce, Judith Wallerstein, identified the psychological tasks children of divorce must master in order to achieve closure of their parents’ separation and move on with their lives.

In order to stay on their developmental paths and develop into well-adjusted adults, she asserted that children must:

• Acknowledge the reality of the divorce.
• Disengage from parental conflict and distress, and resume customary pursuits.
• Deal with loss.
• Resolve anger and self-blame.
• Accept the permanence of the divorce or separation.
• Achieve realistic hope regarding relationships.   

Confused About Divorce and Social Security?

You might be entitled to a Social Security benefit from your ex-spouse.

In this excellent article, Carrie Schwab-Pomerantz outlines the straightforward, basic qualifications.

• Your marriage must have lasted at least 10 years.
• You must currently be single.
• You must be at least 62 years old.
• The benefit you would receive based on your own work record must be less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex’s record.

It’s also interesting to note that the amount that you collect on your ex-spouse’s earnings record won’t have any effect on what your ex or his or her current spouse can collect.

Back to School After a Divorce

School is back in session. That means a change of schedule, a change of weather and -- when you're divorced -- a change in how you need to interact with your ex. After all, just because you are no longer husband and wife (or boyfriend and girlfriend), you are still mom and dad.

In this excellent article Michelle Crosby presents some tips on how you and your partner can be on the same page with how you're going to manage transitions and support your child's scholastic needs.

Mediation Guarantees Your Outcome in Divorce

There is nothing worse than feeling out of control when facing separation or divorce. It’s a reality today that many couples are facing.

In this excellent blog posting Mary Krauel describes how "mediation is a positive process which brings couples to the table for a frank and open discussion which helps set the basis for a positive, realistic pro-active plan which supports the needs of mom and dad and in particular, the children."

In this excellent article in yesterday's New York Times, Robert Emery talks about how divorced parents lose their rights to make parenting choices when they delegate to the court.

"Divorced parents (or those who never married) can and do sue each other. Judges routinely decide where the children of divorced parents will attend school, worship and receive medical care; judges may even decide whether they play soccer or take piano lessons.

Instead of telling parents how to bring up their children, we should honor — and encourage — agreements between parents. This change could help us move away from litigation and toward alternative kinds of dispute resolution."

Why You Should Opt for a Mediated Divorce

As in Massachusetts, the family courts in Ontario are backlogged because we’ve been conditioned to believe the divorce process has to be both litigious and expensive.

In this blog posting Gail Val-Oxlade writes why a common-sense, mediated divorce is a good idea:

• It’ll cost 75 per cent less than going to court.
• You will come to an agreement with your ex (who will be your ex for perhaps longer than you were married!)
• Your privacy is maintained. Go to court and your personal information becomes a matter of public record.
• You create a win/win. The separation agreement you come up with can be better tailored to your specific situation.
• There will be less stress on the kids.
• It’s faster. You can take years to get through the courts or be done in half the time with a mediated divorce.
• You matter. You’re not just a file number or a catalyst for billable hours. Getting you through to the next chapter whole and healthy is part of the mediation process.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Parental Conflict is a Source of Continual Pain for our Children

Most mental health professionals have long known: that parental conflict is a source of continual pain for our children – whether the parents are married or divorced!

According to Dr. Mark Goulston,: “A majority of teenagers, when asked if they had the choice between their parents being nicer to them or more loving towards each other, will pick the latter. The animosity between parents is very painful to their children.”

In this excellent blog posting Rosalind Sedacca writes how minding your tongue around your kids can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. However, it is also one of the behaviors that will most benefit your children on a long-term basis. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks hurt and harm your kids. Work on maintaining the best possible relationship with your ex – for the sake of the children.

Fear and Anger During the Divorce Process

For many, the ending of a marriage is filled with a range of emotions.  Most often, in my divorce mediation practice, I see fear and anger.

As David Louis writes in this excellent blog posting, there is often an underlying current of uncertainty. For many, the uncertainly about living on their own, questions about their future resources, and lack of clarity about parental involvement causes strong fear. The spouse who “did not sign up for this divorce” often expresses anger. Even when they’ve accepted the inevitable, there is often a deeply held grudge.

The divorce mediation process gives couples the ability to come to their own shared decisions on parenting, division of assets and debts, and financial support. This clears the fog of uncertainty regarding these key elements. Often, clients who come into mediation feeling angry or afraid seem less consumed by these emotions at the end of the process.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial. 

Children of Divorce ... If You Had Three Wishes ...

It is common for child therapists to ask children for “three wishes”. Children are asked variations of the question “If you had three wishes that would make your family better, what would they be?” And more often than not, the various responses from children of divorce are incredibly similar.

“I wish my parents would get back together again.”
“I wish my parents would act like friends when they are around me.”
“I wish my parents would make me feel like I live in both homes.”

In this excellent blog posting Ann Marie Termini offers suggestions on how to respond to these three most common wishes.

By following these suggestions, you as a parent are taking positive steps to influence the difficult process of divorce for your children. See the divorce from your child’s perspective, and by doing so you will gain a new perspective of how your child is absorbing this big family change. Dedicate yourself to molding happier and healthier child.   

Making the Most of Your Child's School System After Divorce

Regardless of their age, children can’t be expected to turn off their emotions during or after a divorce any more than their parents can. Fear, insecurity, shame, guilt and other emotions are usually triggered when a parental marriage ends. These complex feelings can affect a child’s focus, self-esteem, relationships with their friends as well as their academic performance.

In this excellent blog posting Rosalind Sedacca writes about how you can ease the transition of your children returning to school after you have separated or divorced by opening the door to the many resources available to you through the school. The key here is in forming a cooperative relationship with school personnel.

Making your child’s teachers aware of a major change in your home environment is helpful both for them and your child. That’s because school is really a second home for children in our culture. Many children trust and feel safe with their teachers. By talking to the teacher in advance and explaining the status of your post-divorce arrangements, you can go a long way toward helping your child feel more secure or less alone.

Mediation May Be The Best Option When Considering Alimony.

When you hear the term “alimony”, there’s a tendency to think there’s no way a divorcing couple could ever agree. Hence, there’s often an assumption that divorces where alimony is involved might not be good candidates for mediation.

In this excellent blog posting Susan Lillis explains that part of what makes mediation a better option stems from the interrelationship between alimony and child support. Some judges prefer one option, others prefer a different approach.  It literally varies from judge to judge. Thus, your result might be determined by your judge’s personal preferences rather than your individual needs. For couples going through mediation, the options around child support and alimony can offer negotiating opportunities that might not be available in a litigation setting and often result in outside-the-box solutions.

What the alimony and child support options do, as part of mediated divorce, is put more control in the hands of the divorcing couple. A judge, though learned and experienced, does not know your situation. He or she will most likely follow the formula laid out in the law to the letter with little or no flexibility. By considering alimony or introducing it as an option in mediation and collaborative divorce, you can create some flexibility to reach an agreement that best meets the needs of all parties.

Are You Really Acting From Your Principles?

It’s worth considering what it actually means to be acting from our principles, as opposed to when are we just using the word to conceal other, possibly less highbrow motives.  The principle may look like the high road, but it can actually be a road to nowhere, a road that leads away from the ground and into the clouds.

In this excellent blog posting Rachel Alexander lists a few indicators that the “principle” may be anything but.

• When adhering to your principle demands that you shield yourself from the facts or obfuscate reality, it’s a good indication your “principle” is another name for something else. Possibly willfulness.
• When it is shorthand for “I really want to get my way, no matter the cost.”
• Or code for “my ego and self regard are on the line here.”
• When a non-interested party may observe that your “principled” behavior looks a lot like stubbornness, aggression or revenge.
• Your “principle” requires very little change from you, and significant change from the other person.
• When discussing the subject, you could be mistaken for a dictator of a small to midsized nation.

We Have Joint Legal Custody of Our Children. What Happens If We Disagree?

Many couples going through divorce who have children under the age of 21 are choosing to share “joint legal custody of their children.”

Joint legal custody gives parents the rights and responsibilities to make all important decisions regarding their children, together. Important decisions are those related to health, education and extracurricular activities, religious upbringing, and developmental issues.

In this excellent blog posting, Jennifer Safian writes that while Joint decisions are all well and good, often one party will ask: “…and what happens if we disagree?” This question causes much stress to a divorcing couple, who may already have many other disagreements to deal with.

Discussing Family Separation and Divorce with Your Children

As a parent, it is both frightening and highly stressful knowing you will have to tell your child/ren that you and your spoiuse are separating or are getting a divorce.

In this excellent blog posting, Ann Marie Termini gives six recommendations to follow to avoid unnecessary stress or create a loyalty bind:

1. If possible, tell your child/ren about the separation when both parents are present.
2. Present a clear, brief, yet honest explanation.
3. Give your child/ren time to digest the information.
4. Normalize and predict the grief process.
5. Keep communication open. 
6. Reassure your child/ren and prepare them for what lies ahead.

Should I Let My Spouse Have Full Custody of the Children?

Before you relinquish custody in divorce mediation, you should consider whether placing them with the other parent is the best thing for them, or the best thing for you. If you’re not sure, you should be able to honestly answer “yes” to these three points Molly Kenny posts:

• You believe that your spouse is a good parent.
• Your spouse has the time to devote to the children.
• Your spouse can provide an environment where the children will thrive.

You should remember that your relationship with your children does not have to suffer because they do not live with you. You should stay actively involved in your children’s lives and make yourself available to them whenever they need help. It is important to reinforce the idea that you will always be there for them.

10 Questions to Ask Before Fighting Over the Kids

Divorce attorney Larry Sarezky provides ten questions divorcing parents should ask themselves before fighting over the kids in court. His years of experience have shown him the consequences for the children involved -- effects they'll experience on a life-long basis.

Here are Larry's 10 questions:

1. Do you want your children to endure months of anxiety and uncertainty as to where they will be living and whether they will have the relationship they want with each of their parents and their siblings?
2. Do you want your children subjected to interviews by attorneys, mental health professionals and court personnel during which they may be frightened and conflicted, and will feel pressured to be loyal to both their parents?
3. Do you want your children subjected to the possibility of inquiry by these professionals about the most personal aspects of their lives including their fears and frailties?
4. Clinical studies have shown that high conflict between parents exposes children who witness it to serious psychological harm. Do you want to risk your children developing emotional disorders as a result of your high-conflict custody battle?
5. Do you want your inability to resolve your differences to serve as a model of parenting for your children?
6. Do you want intimate details of your life to become a matter of public record?
7. Do you want a stranger deciding how much you will see your children, and how you will make decisions concerning them?
8. Do you want a substantial portion of your assets used for fees of attorneys and expert witnesses with no guarantee that you will be happy with the result?
9. Do you want to give up attention to detail that a negotiated agreement will have but that a judge's decision will not?
10. Do you want to engage in costly, time-consuming and rancorous litigation that can make future cooperation between you and your co-parent extremely difficult at best, and the resumption of amicable joint parenting nearly impossible?

Fortunately, there are better options available. Avoid litigation and look into mediation. Work together as parents to make responsible decisions that you can both live with -- and that support your children in the months and years ahead.

Pouring the Foundations of a Sound Parenting Relationship

Marital mediation offers parents in the process of divorce an effective means by which to terminate their marital situation in an orderly and controlled manner, while at the same time helping them to pour the foundations of a sound parenting relationship.

In the heat of marital disintegration, the point is sometimes lost that soon-to-be-divorced spouses/parents will, until their passing days, remain parents. And it is vital to their children that this parental relationship continues to function in a manner that is both supportive and cooperative, even as the divorce process wends its way to conclusion.

In this blog posting Sanford Balick writes about the critical attributes to ensuring a positive divorce legacy. These include:

1. The adoption of a parent-driven flexible decision making process.
2. A parental commitment to act in a manner that is best calculated to shield the children from the psychic scars of divorce.
3. A commitment on the part of the ex-spouses/parents to act, at all times (at least until emancipation), as a supportive unit in relation to the children.

Marital mediation cannot guarantee the result, but it is a process more likely to produce a positive marital legacy for your children.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Divorce Envy

Divorce envy - the uncomfortable feeling that someone else's marriage is ending in a more graceful way than your own.

In this blog posting Amy SohnI writes how, in an era when child centrality reigns supreme and many Gen X–ers bear scars from their own parents' hostile uncouplings, the goal for a growing number of separating parties is no longer merely to "get through" a divorce but to emerge from it triumphantly at peace, having handled the dissolution of their marriage calmly, reasonably, and even lovingly.

Lisa Brateman, a psychotherapist and relationship specialist in New York, says that the phenomenon perpetuates itself. "Clients who see other couples go through seemingly amicable divorces may realize there are better ways to go about it than vengeance and retaliation," she says. "It doesn't have to be like The War of the Roses."

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

The Parties Are "Too Far Apart"

Often, in working with divorcing couples, it is easy for the parties to misread the opposition. The attitudes that they display often create a perception that the parties are "too far apart." Or, one or both parties may feel that the other side is being "unreasonable."

The common refrains about being too far apart explain why mediation is needed. If the two sides were close, they would probably settle the case on their own. The reason why they need a mediator is that they are polarized.

In this blog posting, Michael Carbone writes that the successful mediator will not allow the parties to give up hope. (S)he will keep the parties engaged until both sides feel that they have been fully heard and are ready to make a deal.

Mediators are not miracle workers, and the secret of their success is not found in a "bag of tricks." It is in knowing that "too far apart" is usually a fallacy.

Compulsory Mediation for Divorcing Couples in the UK

The UK government is committed to mediation as a way of resolving family disputes. It is cost effective and should produce a better outcome. If couples are willing to approach their split constructively, then mediation can provide a less confrontational and cheaper way of resolving their differences and there is evidence that this is a more constructive route to take when children are involved.

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/relationships/mediation-is-now-compulsory-for-divorcing-couples-501207.html

Four Valuable Life Lessons to Learn from Your Divorce

The aftermath of divorce can be a sense of self-discovery or internment in a self-made prison of depression and resentment. It’s all about our acceptance of what is and determination to use the divorce as a pathway to a new and better life. The good news: it’s all up to us. We can create an attitude of positive expectation or we can subjugate ourselves to months and years of self-pity and despair down the road. The bad news: it’s not always easy to change our attitude or perspective on life. But if you do, you’ll be rewarded with a happier future for yourself as well as your children.

In this excellent blog posting Rosalind Sedacca offers four vital steps to embracing your divorce as a catalyst to a brighter future.

Figuring Out the "What Ifs" of Your Divorce Agreement

Sometimes when people come into a mediation or Collaborative process, the problems they face are so complex, so compressed and entwined that they seem unsolvable in their current form.

When this happens, it becomes impossible for anybody to hold in their minds what the problem is, what is important to them, all the "what ifs" and also the potential solutions. Not surprisingly, people get very anxious and angry because their problem seems insurmountable and they believe themselves to be stuck.

In this excellent blog posting Katherine Miller describes how mediators help people think through all of the elements of the problem so there is room for resolution.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Elder Care Issues Should Be Part of the Conversation

Yesterday, the Boston Globe reprinted an edited transcript of a conversation between Michelle Singletary and Tim Prosch, author of “The Other Talk: A Guide to Talking with Your Adult Children About the Rest of Your Life.”

The point of the "other talk" concept is that aging parents begin to share control of their lives with their adult children.  Prosch recommends the talk “is something you should do every year because things change. Your health changes, your finances change, your kids’ jobs change, and your opinions expressed in that first talk may change. So it’s important that you maintain the dialogue by sitting down annually and going through the talk.”

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in family decision making, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if elder mediation would be beneficial.

A Call for More Preventative Measures to Protect Elderly Citizens

As the population ages, a University of South Australia researcher is warning the number of elder abuse cases will also increase and is calling for more preventative measures to be put in place, such as elder mediation, to protect our elderly citizens.

In this article, Adjunct Associate Professor Dale Bagshaw writes that elderly citizens are vulnerable to a number of types of abuse, ranging from psychological to physical, but it is financial abuse that is the most often reported.  She says mediation can be a viable option for both the prevention and early intervention of elder abuse.

“Mediation has proven to be a successful strategy to address elder abuse. It provides an opportunity for family members and significant others to get to together to make plans or to have difficult conversations facilitated by an impartial third party."

“The mediator can ensure everyone’s needs are met and the interests, rights and safety of the older person are taken into account in decision-making."

“An older-person-centred mediation approach puts the safety of our older citizens first and makes sure their rights are upheld, especially when their capacity to do so themselves might be impaired for any number of reasons."

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in family decision making, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if elder mediation would be beneficial.

Examining Both Sides of a Paradox

A paradox is a contradiction: holding as true two ideas that appear inconsistent or logically impossible. Let’s say, for example, Mom and her children agree she can no longer stay in her home. The wealthiest child insists Mom moves to an upscale assisted living residence. But the other siblings think it’s more important that Mom’s money lasts as long as she does. Mom wants both.

In this excellent article Carolyn Parr examines how to deconstruct such a paradox as well as offering how a mediator can frame the question so that family members are able to examine both wings of the paradox.  In this case, “How can Mom move into an assisted living residence with amenities she likes and make her money last?”

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in family decision making, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if elder mediation would be beneficial.

Divorce court — the best way to discourage divorces

Interesting article in yesterday's Boston Globe by Jennifer Graham.

"Divorce is not yet a sacrament, but in the past half-century it’s become the next-best thing: a blessed event to be celebrated at parties replete with champagne toasts and freedom cakes."

But after spending a few days in family court Jennifer says, "Freedom’s just another word for why don’t we let a complete stranger decide where we live and how much of our money we can keep?”