Uncontested Divorce - We Agree On Everything?

In Massachusetts, there are two broad categories of divorce: contested and uncontested. An uncontested divorce is defined as "both people agree about everything they file." 

This might lead many couples in the midst of marital conflict - perhaps fighting about more issues than they agree upon - to think uncontested divorce isn't right for them. In fact, the term "uncontested divorce" and its standard definition are somewhat misleading and can lead divorcing spouses to prematurely limit their options.

In this excellent blog posting Rackham Karlsson address two common myths about uncontested divorce:

Myth #1: Uncontested divorce is only for couples who agree on everything.

In fact, many uncontested divorces involve a period of deliberation and negotiation about important issues in the divorce, such as asset division, child support and/or alimony, and parenting schedules
 
Myth #2: Uncontested divorce is easy.

Getting to the point where you can file for an uncontested divorce can be hard, especially if there are children involved. You are taking a family's resources — time, money, energy — and dividing them between two households. Nobody will emerge from the process unaffected.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial. 

What Does It Mean To Be "Fair" During A Divorce?

The other day a client called looking for a referral to a divorce attorney.  She and her spouse had agreed on distribution of their assets and liabilities and she was concerned if their agreement was "equitable" as defined by Massachusetts law.

It took a while for her to understand that, within reason, an equitable distribution was in the eyes of the beholder and very specific to her and her spouse's situation rather than something for which she needed to get a legal opinion.

In this excellent blog posting, Ben Stich writes how trying to make equal decisions in marriages and divorces is possible but probably won’t get couples what they need.  Instead, while trying to make fair and reasonable decisions in marriages and divorces might be harder, it will improve communication, decrease resentment, and far more likely give both parties what they need.

A College Financial Aid Guide for Families Who Have Saved Nothing

Whenever I mediate divorcing couples with minor children, one area of great concern is funding their children's college education. Facing the prospect of maintaining separate households without any increase in income, parents understandably are concerned and often feel helpless about their ability to save for the increasingly huge cost of today's college costs.

This excellent article in The New York Times by Ron Lieber offers a guide for families staggering into their children's senior year and trying to make one of the biggest financial decisions of their lives.

How to Exit a Marriage Gracefully

Michael Cheshire's recent "An Open Letter to My Ex-Wife." marvelously encapsulates much of the spirit and perspective I wish more divorcing spouses could find their way to embrace. 

• Be grateful for the good times.
• Share responsibility.
• Focus on the children.
• Keep a sense of humor.

In the midst of divorce, it might seem impossible to imagine writing these sorts of things about one's ex-spouse. As Cheshire writes, "Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is." But this open letter is a standing testament to the fact that it is possible. If you are going through a divorce and have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, this just might be the one piece you want to keep pinned to your refrigerator.

(This posting reprinted from Rackham Karlsson's posting on Zephyr Legal Services, LLC)

Don't Hire a Pit Bull Attorney When Divorcing

Many people think that when they become involved in a lawsuit—including divorce—they need to find a lawyer who is a “fighter,” or “pit bull”

In this excellent blog posting Randi Kreger writes that "strong, proactive, and even aggressive representation doesn't necessarily equate with the 'pit bull model.'"

• What the public doesn't realize is that highly contentious individuals (attorneys included) usually place self-interest above all else. They know that the more hours they charge, the more money they will make. Attorneys who charge lower hourly rates could cost their client significantly more in legal fees by doing things that result in more billable time.

• If you start off on the wrong foot by hiring an attorney who heightens conflict, you may not only find it far more difficult to co-parent together, but you may likely find yourself regularly returning to court as a result. This can result in financial hemorrhaging from which you may never recover.

•  Ultimately, the difficult client and difficult attorney won't be able to treat each other any differently than they treat anyone else. These sorts of mismatching are why clients might go through several different attorneys in course of a single particular legal proceeding. Be thoughtful in your selection of an attorney. 

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial. 

The “Good Enough” Settlement Agreement

In this excellent blog posting, Susan Ingram writes about how, all too often, our society assumes that conflict needs to be resolved in an adversarial process through our court system. So, for instance, in the case of a contested (litigated) divorce, this adversarial process encourages each party’s lawyer to fixate only on getting as much as possible for their client, to the detriment of the other.

They’re aiming for the perfect agreement. But the problem is, it ends up being the perfect agreement for one side only. For the other side, it’s very much less than perfect and, in fact, it can be devastating for the other party as well as for the children of the marriage who are caught in the middle of the conflict.

Now, contrast that with couples who instead seek an uncontested divorce through the process of mediation. Most already understand to some degree that their agreement cannot be one-sided (that is, it can’t be the perfect agreement for just one of them), and that they need to work together so that it works out best for everyone – both of them and their children. To that end, like Susan, as their mediator, I help them identify their needs, problem-solve and reach solutions that they see as basically fair for both.

Psychological Tasks of Children of Divorce

Obviously, divorce and family separation is a major adjustment for children. Separation can jeopardize a child’s sense of security, create confusion and fear about the future.

In this excellent article Ann Marie Termini writes about the work of an early pioneer in the field of divorce, Judith Wallerstein, identified the psychological tasks children of divorce must master in order to achieve closure of their parents’ separation and move on with their lives.

In order to stay on their developmental paths and develop into well-adjusted adults, she asserted that children must:

• Acknowledge the reality of the divorce.
• Disengage from parental conflict and distress, and resume customary pursuits.
• Deal with loss.
• Resolve anger and self-blame.
• Accept the permanence of the divorce or separation.
• Achieve realistic hope regarding relationships.