Be Wary of Friendly Advice

It’s only natural that friends and family volunteer all sorts of information as to what happened to them, or other people they know, when they got divorced. Like Susan Ingram, in this excellent blog posting, the clients I see in my divorce mediation practice often come to me with preconceived and incorrect information as to what they believe they are “entitled to” as part of their divorce settlement.

The problem with listening to the advice of family and friends is that the circumstances of each divorce are different. Furthermore, the decisions that are made – either by a couple themselves if they are mediating, or by a judge if they are litigating – depend upon the combined and unique facts of each particular case.

Like Susan, as the couple’s mediator, I can tell them what the statutes and case law provide. If they ask, I can also advise them what other couples have done in similar circumstances. And I can help them brainstorm alternative approaches to resolve difficult issues.

What I can’t do is advocate for either one or give them separate legal advice regarding their decisions. That information would need to be provided by each party’s review attorney.  I always strongly recommend that each party consult with his or her own attorney to review the settlement agreement I’ve prepared for them.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

“I wish my parents would get back together again.”

As the winter holiday season approaches, it is common for young children to get excited about the prospect of writing a letter to “Santa”. A letter to Santa is a direct line to communicate their utmost desire whether it is in the request of a coveted toy or something much more personal such as their family getting back together.


It’s often painful for parents when they hear their child say, “I want Mommy and Daddy to get back together again”, knowing this is not going to happen, and especially during the holiday season.

In this excellent blog posting, Ann Marie Termini outlines things parents can do to help their child accept the situation:

• Make it clear to your children that you will not reunite.
• Continually explain what is happening.
• Reassure your child that it’s not their fault and it is nothing that they can change.  

Divorcing During the Holiday Season

It's holiday time, and if you're in the midst of a major transition, it can be one of the most challenging (certainly not "the most wonderful") times of the year. Twinkling lights, cheery carols and holiday shopping can bring more sadness than joy ... especially when your world is falling apart.

Traditions create the magic of holidays. They keep us grounded. Change, on the other hand, often knocks us off our feet. And separation and divorce changes nearly everything. They can divide our friendships, the family we get to celebrate with, and the holiday parties we are invited to. They even change how we play Santa.

In this excellent blog posting Sharon Zarozny offers some great suggestions on how to cope during the holiday season:

• Most important, with kindness and patience ... toward yourself.
• Remind yourself: This is a temporary condition.
• Understand that bumps in the road are an inevitable part of life.
• Ditch the traditions you don't enjoy and create new ones you'll treasure. 
• Ask yourself: Was I really "living the dream"?    

Intergenerational Conversations About Care and Assets That One Family Did Not Have Until Too Late

Older relatives fall gravely ill. Their wishes regarding their care and assets are unclear. Siblings converge, huddle, bicker, then go to war with one another. Money goes to lawyers that could have gone to heirs, and fissures form that never heal.

Amanda Brown's film, “Black Heirlooms,” is a personal and cultural examination about the extended uncomfortable, intergenerational conversations that we do not have enough of and that her family did not have until it was too late.

Many adult siblings are having a difficult time as they face their parents’ aging and related deci­sions regarding caregiving, healthcare, property distribution, estate planning, and more.

When you and your family face decisions related to aging loved ones, it can be difficult to com­municate and make decisions together given the many different opinions and emotions involved. When these changes become so difficult that an older adult is suffering or a family is divided, many families seek help to de­velop new ways of coping with their evolving relationships and changing realities.

Family and elder mediation bene­fits families who are unable to engage constructively in difficult conversations on behalf of aging loved ones. It provides an op­portunity for the elder and all concerned family members to communicate more effectively in order to reach agreement regard­ing important decisions in a way that can both prepare for the future and preserve relationships.