Be Mindful of How You Talk About Your Ex

Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being of your family.

In this excellent blog posting, Rosalind Sedacca writes about how destructive comments about your ex can impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question how much they can trust you and your opinions – or trust themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives that they do not need … or deserve!

When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them – and not to or through the children. Don’t exploit a difficult relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by editorializing about him or her to the kids. It’s easy to slip – especially when your frustration level is mounting.

10 Signs it Might Be Time to Divorce

Knowing when to divorce can be difficult, and it's a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly. So how do you know if you should proceed? How can you be sure that this time is really it? That this time there's no turning back?

While there's no magic answer for when to get a divorce, in this excellent blog posting Cheryl and Joe Dillon list10 signs it might be time to take that next step:

1.) You're convinced that you'd be better off alone.
2.) Your needs are no longer being met.
3.) You're only staying together for the kids.
4.) You've tried counseling, but you still can't seem to come together.
5.) You're being abused.
6.) You think of your marriage as "the lesser of two evils."
7.) You no longer trust or respect your spouse.
8.) You think it's "cheaper to keep her (or him)"
9.) You're worried about what your friends or family will think.
10.) You're being unfaithful to your spouse.

At the end of the day, only you can determine if you should get a divorce. It's a personal decision that should be made with careful thought and consideration.

But if one or more of the items on this list is true for you, and you think it's time to take the next step, you owe it to yourself to learn about divorce mediation so you can keep things as peaceful as possible and do what's best for you, your spouse and your children.

When Is It Appropriate to Introduce the Children to a Significant Other?

Your soon-to-be ex is pushing for the children to meet his/her new significant other – as soon as possible. You are outraged at his/her temerity in bringing this up while you are still reeling from the revelation of your impending separation. You can’t believe this is such a sticking point for him/her, AND he/she wants your answer right away.

In this excellent blog posting, Ada L. Hasloecher suggests 5 questions that are important for YOU to ask yourself before you embark on the path of introducing your new paramour to the kids:

• Is the time really right… right now?
• Does this new relationship have a real potential (like really) for a future?
• Are you doing this to “stick it to your ex?”
• What is really and truly in your children’s best interests?
• Truly – are you thinking of yourself or your kids?

“Oh Yeah, I Do That, Too”

Susan Ingram, in this excellent blog posting, has eloquently expressed the frustration I've often felt listening to local divorce attorneys who claim to "also do mediation."

As Susan asks, "Does their response come from arrogance or smugness (as if they can do anything if they just put their mind to it)?" "Or perhaps these attorneys think mediation is a cinch and requires little to no training or expertise."

We “true” mediators are an extremely dedicated and professional group. We have years of training and experience behind us and are committed to learning and growing throughout our careers. To do our job well, we need:

• To be excellent facilitators and communicators;
• To bring a deep understanding of human nature to the table;
• To be problem solvers who help our clients reach a constructive resolution of their issues; and,
• We often have to do our work under the most trying of circumstances.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

The Cost of a Litigated Divorce

As Daniel R. Burns writes, often, when I talk with my clients the issue of legal fees associated with a litigated versus a mediated divorce comes up.  And, just as Daniel's clients do, when I tell them that the cost for attorneys in a litigated divorce often exceeds $20,000 per person, I suspect many of them question my facts.

In this blog posting Daniel outlines several instances recently that confirmed these figures.

Not only is it unnecessary for a couple to spend so much money fighting with each other, but the result they are likely to achieve in litigation will be no better than they could have achieved in mediation.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Building a Positive Co-Parenting Relationship After Divorce

Many couples dread talking to their ex-spouse about parenting issues. This is understandable, especially after a contentious separation or divorce. But by avoiding discussions about co-parenting, you unintentionally put the burden on your kids. They’re left to figure things out for themselves.

In this excellent blog posting Jenny Greenbaum outlines eight ways to build a shared vision of parenting with your ex-spouse so your children feel safe and loved as they adjust to their new life:

• Express your values - without demeaning your ex's values.
• Write down household rules or values.
• Create a divorce support network for yourself.
• Choose your parent-to-parent communication style.
• Decide on the role of your in-laws after divorce.
• Consider the help of a professional for co-parenting guidance.
• Don't undermine your former partner's parenting.
• Learn more about child development and behavior.