Should Parents Insulate Their Children from Their Divorce?

Meeting children’s needs during divorce is one of the most difficult challenges a parent can encounter. Awash in emotional turmoil and financial anxieties, divorcing parents are hardly at their best precisely when their children most need them to be.

In this excellent article, Larry Sarezky writes about the popular misconception that parents should “insulate” their children from their divorce.

In reality, it’s impossible to insulate from divorce any but the youngest of children. And even if it were possible, children don't want or need it. What kids do need is to be given appropriate information about the divorce in an appropriate way and at the appropriate time. They need mindful co-parenting that supports and protects them.

Retirement Issues and Divorce

Recently, three Probate and Family Court Justices were asked if they would consider a living expense line item that provided for retirement savings for a payee spouse. The judges responded that they had not had this proposed to them, but were intrigued by the concept.

In this excellent article, David Goodman writes that the issue of retirement is a significant one, especially under the new alimony law. In many cases a payee spouse, often the wife, will no longer receive alimony when the payer spouse, often the husband, retires. This means that the payee must either have sufficient income or assets to provide for her/his living expenses at age 65. Depending on circumstances, this may require higher alimony and/or a larger property settlement.

When I work with payee and payer spouses in long-term marriages I make sure to address the issue of reduced support in the retirement years.

Divorce Mediation: Seeing the Goal

There are two approaches to a divorce: Treating it as war or as a civilized negotiation. In divorce litigation, attorneys treat everything as a property dispute: your money, your property, even your children. Divorce litigation is “in the moment” and reactive, focused on the battles and not the war.

In this excellent article, Susanne Hale writes that divorce mediation is typically less expensive, less hostile, and much faster. The reason for these benefits is simple; In divorce mediation the focus is not on winning a “battle” over a specific detail, but rather on the end game. Mediation begins with the end: Where do you want you and your family to be at the end of the divorce process?

That’s the key – by beginning the process with positives, with agreement, you set the tone. When disagreements spring up later, they’re easier to deal with, because you’re seeing them through the perspective of your overall goals.

The Risks of a Judge Deciding Your Divorce

Sometimes, during particularly taxing mediation sessions, one of my clients will say, "We’re not going to settle this. Let’s just go to court.”

Why not present all the issues to a judge who has decided hundreds of cases, can render objective decisions, and be done with it?

In this excellent article, Doris Tennant, writes that turning your life over to someone whose decisions may affect you for years–or even a lifetime–is risky business. A judge will never understand the history of your marriage, the intricacies of your financial situation, your children’s needs, and the ingredients that contributed to the end of your marriage. When push comes to shove, most people conclude that arriving at an agreement over which they have control, even if imperfect, is far better than seeking justice—often illusory–in a courtroom.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

After Full Lives Together, More Older Couples Are Divorcing

Late-life divorce (also called “silver” or “gray” divorce) is becoming more common, and more acceptable. In 2014, people age 50 and above were twice as likely to go through a divorce than in 1990, according to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. For those over 65, the increase was even higher. At the same time, divorce rates have plateaued or dropped among other age groups.

In this excellent article from the New York Times, Abby Ellin offers a few explanations, including that many older people are in second marriages, people's life expectancy is longer, separation no longer holds the stigma it once did, and the changing status of women,

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Divorce and the Shared Mortgage

Deciding what to do with the house can be a major quandary for couples getting a divorce, particularly when they share a mortgage.

In this excellent article from the New York Times, Lisa Prevost writes about the issues that arise when there is equity in the home and each spouse wants to take a share as part of the settlement agreement.

How to Choose a Divorce Mediator

Choosing to mediate a divorce is a positive decision that can settle the issues between you and your spouse quickly, affordably, and with much less emotional stress. Mediation is a private matter, unlike litigation, keeping your dignity and your privacy – as well as the privacy of your children – secure. Mediation allows you to decide for yourself how you want your future – and that of your family – to look after the divorce is final.

The most important aspect of divorce mediation is choosing a divorce mediator. In this excellent article Susanne Hale offers ten things to consider when doing so.

• Check qualifications
• Understand the costs
• Ensure access to expertise
• Understand the process
• Be comfortable
• Do an empathy check
• Check references
• Personalized approach
• Familiarity with the paperwork
• Accessible

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Five Keys to Successfully Mediating a Divorce Settlement

Couples facing divorce typically experience a great deal of anxiety, stress and emotional pain during the process. In fact, many get caught up in their anger and frustration to the point that they end up sabotaging or killing their divorce settlement. This is an outcome couples should strive to avoid, especially since decisions made now can significantly impact them financially and emotionally for many years to come.

In this excellent article Patricia Barrett offers some keys to ensuring you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse don't sabotage the mediation process with negative comments or bad behavior.

• Avoid knee jerk reactions to proposed offers
• Don't shoot yourself in the foot
• Know what you want and expect to compromise
• Do not breach the trust you are building
• Own your decisions

“I Want a Separation.”

In this excellent article Ada Hasloecher offers excellent guidelines on broaching the subject of a separation or divorce with a spouse.

"No matter how many times couples may have bandied around the idea of separating, it’s another thing when one spouse actually says the words out loud. It becomes real; it’s a declared intention; and there is no possibility of putting the genie back in the bottle."

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Don’t Let Your Children Start Parenting You!

Children who experience their parents’ divorce are helpless to change the circumstances. But they often try. They want to do something to “fix” the situation, but they haven’t a clue how. Sometimes they create solutions that make sense in their young minds, but actually cause greater complications.

In this article Rosalind Sedacca writes about why it‘s so important for parents to take the emotional burden off of the shoulders of their children.

Do you want your divorce to rob your children of their right to enjoy their childhood? Of course not! Then understand the serious consequences of backward parenting and communicate mindfully and responsibly when discussing divorce or related family issues with the children you love.