Finances After Divorce

Understandably, one of the main concerns my clients express is their financial situation post divorce.

In this article, Mary Fox Luquette offers advice on the many areas that need to be addressed to ensure that there is complete separation of the property, the debts and future income.

AAML Child Centered Residential Guidelines

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers has developed Child Centered Residential Guidelines which seek to fill the void recognized by the current research regarding developmentally and psychologically appropriate parenting plans for children whose parents do not live together, contradicting the generally accepted traditional alternating weekend visitation guideline followed by many courts throughout the country. 

The online version of the guidelines can be found here.

Why Would You Ever Go to Court to Get Divorced?

In this excellent article, Gary Direnfeld writes about a panel of four women he attended who spoke of their experience resolving matters with legal support.

Two women litigated 7 years each at costs of about $200,000 each. Both of these women spoke of compromised mental health the result of their experience.

One woman used Collaborative Law and settled in 2.5 days.

The last woman went to court and said she had 3 different judges on 3 different appearances. She then used mediation and was satisfied with this approach and outcome. She reflected, “The best part of the ADR (mediation) experience was picking your service provider and ability of being creative.”

As Gary writes, "If you want to retain some control of the outcome, control costs and your sanity, consider the experience of the one women above who opted for Collaborative Law and then the experience of the woman who opted out of the court system for mediation and other creative support. In the scheme of things, these experiences were positive."

Communicating With Your Children During Divorce

During and after divorce your children may be hyper-sensitive about many things. What may have formerly been routine conversations, questions or activities can now be touchy subjects fraught with anxiety, resentment or anger. This is understandable when you consider that the stability of the world they knew has been dramatically altered. Minor insecurities can easily grow into major problems. Children may regress in their behaviors and skills, become more clinging – or more aloof – depending on their adaptability and perspective about the divorce.

This is a time to master the art of good parent/child communication so you can reinforce or rebuild trust, security and confidence that things will be okay again – despite the changes inflicted by your divorce.

In this excellent article Rosalind Sedacca offers tips for more effective communication with your children.

• Keep your conversations private.
• Listen carefully to get the gist of what they are saying, even if you don’t like the message.
• Focus more on what happened rather than “why.”
• Avoid the lectures, the smug ”I told you so’s,” the moralizing put-downs or other forms of embarrassing your children, especially if others are around.

The Holiday Stress of Divorce

Our expectations of holidays change when families are navigating through divorce. Both parents and children are grieving. And, while letting go of the past can be painful, it’s possible to create new traditions to transform the next chapter.

In this excellent article, Judith Hatch Orme writes that the most important factor for the children in the equation is the co-parenting relationship. Communication between parents is the biggest determinant of how the holidays will play out.

"The most important consideration is the best interests of the children. This time of year can resonate with loss. Consider navigating through the holidays with the children as the first priority. By setting realistic expectations, with the children’s needs in mind, ask for each child’s input, connect with family and friends, and take special care of each family member (emotionally and physically), ensuring the holidays are a time of joy."

The Myth That If Adults Act Appropriately, The Kids Will Be Fine.”

The divorce litigation process itself can frighten, humiliate and compromise children even when the adults—parents and professionals alike—act reasonably well.

In this excellent article, Larry Sarezky writes that parents immersed in battling over the kids—even well intentioned parents—can easily miss or misinterpret signs of children’s distress. In addition, high-conflict custody/access cases intensify children’s anxiety about the very things that are most important to them, such as where and with whom they will be living, and whether they will be able to rely upon their embattled parents to protect and care for them.

Often parents don't anticipate the emotional minefield that awaits children in fully contested divorces. Their belief that by behaving well, they can protect their children ignores the fact that parents who allow courts to decide children’s issues relinquish more than decision-making authority. They give up the ability to protect their children.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Spiritually Thriving Through Divorce

My good friend, Margaret Hasna Kelsey, is offering a free on-line class Tuesday evening at 6:00 PM EST entitled Spiritually Thriving Through Divorce. You can register here.
Her description of the class is:

"No one marries expecting or wanting to get divorced. Yet it ends up being a path that all too many of us go down. In this presentation, we'll begin to explore how to spiritually survive and thrive through the process. Participants will walk away with a deeper appreciation for the illuminating self-discovery that the journey of divorce takes us on and the spiritual growth it affords, leading to happier and healthier lives."

I hope that you'll attend if possible.

What Divorced Parents Need to Know About Relocating

Typically, when I write a Memorandum of Understanding between divorcing parents, language is included that states, "in the event either parent wants to move more than 50 miles from their current home address, he or she shall first obtain the consent of the other parent and such consent shall not be unreasonably withheld. If they cannot reach a mutual understanding regarding a parent's relocation, the Parties shall first attempt alternative dispute resolutions before seeking permission from a court to relocate."

But, what happens if parties do go to court?

In this excellent article, Joshua Katz writes that relocation is a difficult issue for family law practitioners. These cases are fact-intensive, and decisions are never easy. The courts are careful about allowing a custodial parent to relocate with a child because it interferes with relationships and the non-custodial parent’s access rights.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Common Mistakes to Avoid When Filing for Divorce

Divorce is something that needs to be addressed in a non-adversarial manner if both spouses are to achieve an amicable result and as such, there is a right and a wrong way to go about getting a divorce.

In this article Susanne Hale writes that you and your spouse should be mindful of these more common mistakes to avoid when filing for divorce to help facilitate a smooth process.

• Refusing to compromise
• Rushing the process
• Letting emotions take over
• Focusing on the past