The Podcast of My Interview on WCAI's The Point Talking About Divorce Mediation

Listen to the podcast of my interview on WCAI's The Point talking about how divorce mediation provides an amicable resolution to partnerships and allows couples to maintain control of the process and outcome. My interview starts at the 32 minute mark.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

The Emotional Divorce

The emotional aspect of divorce is often the most challenging, since the parties’ emotions directly impact all of the other elements. It can be described as the “umbrella” that hangs over each of the other elements.  Described another way, the emotions are the prism through which the parties view all other aspects of their divorce. 

Susan Ingram writes that divorce mediation acknowledges the underlying emotional elements of the divorce and helps each partner to better understand his or her own needs, as well as the needs of the other. When both parties have an understanding of their own needs, as well as those of their partner, they are able to reach a more fair agreement for both of them. This translates into the win-win situation that is often used to describe divorce mediation.

Mediation is A Better Choice for Children of Divorce

Like Susan Ingram the majority of the couples I see in divorce mediation have children. Early on in the mediation process, when I ask them to identify their most important concerns, they invariably say that they are most concerned about the well being of their children during their separation and divorce process – and continuing after they are divorced.

In this excellent blog posting, Susan writes that with an uncontested divorce, couples reache an agreement through mediation that they both feel is fair and equitable – and that focuses on the best interests of their children. Thus, by choosing mediation, they are the ones making the important decisions about their children.

Contrast this scenario with a litigated divorce case, in which each of the couple’s lawyers, in battling for only his or her client’s interests, end up making the divorce more contentious and costly. And, of course, in a litigated divorce case, the judge would likely be making decisions about the children that, in the vast majority of cases, are better left to the parents.

A Plea for Mediation

In this blog posting, Ada Hasloecher shares a letter a wife wrote to her husband asking that they return to mediation and "allowing [their children] to be the loved, well-adjusted and trustful children they are now."

If you are contemplating divorce I urge you to take a few minutes to read it.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Living Together After Divorce

When most people get divorced the last thing they want to do is continue living together in the same house. One of the prime reasons to get divorced is so you no longer have to live with that crackpot, jerk, cheat, ne’er-do-well, liar, energy-sucker.

As Gary Shaffer writes, when there are no kids, this is usually an easy decision. But life isn’t always neat, and when there are children and limited resources, keeping the family home may be the best way to harness those resources and maintain stability.

The stars need to line up for this to work, and no arrangement is perfect. But this can still be much cheaper than:

• Selling the home;
• Splitting the proceeds;
• Paying taxes on them; and
• Finding two separate dwellings in the same neighborhood.

Nobody Said Mediation Would Be Easy

Like Clare Piro, I think mediation can be a hard thing to do. And while I firmly believe that it is the best option to resolve conflict, I’ll admit it’s still not an easy process.

What makes it hard?

1. You are spending a good deal of time one on one with the other person.

2. You are doing quite a bit of work.

3. You have to make all the decisions.

Why is that hard work worth it?

1. You are spending a good deal of time one on one with the other person.

2. You are doing quite a bit of work.

3. You get to make the decisions.

Your Heart May Be Broken In Your Divorce; Don't Let Your Wallet Be

The average cost of an uncontested divorce in Canada is $1,845, but a contested divorce can cost anywhere from $6,145 to $87,974, with the average being $13,638, according to Canadian Lawyer’s 2015 legal fees survey. But this doesn’t factor in moving fees, new living expenses, the division of your assets and debts, and possibly child and spousal support.

In this blog posting Melissa Leong offers 13 tips to having a money smart divorce:

BEFORE THE DIVORCE
1. Educate yourself about your finances
2. Make yourself a budget
3. Check your emotions
4. Don’t do stupid sh*t that you’ll pay for later
5. Consider your options for the divorce process

DURING NEGOTIATIONS
6. Understand how much you may pay or receive in child support
7. Be aware that spousal support is not a given
8. When you split up, you split everything, including debt
9. Be mindful when choosing your half of the pie
10. Don’t anchor yourself to your home at all costs
11. Consult an expert about legal and financial issues

AFTER THE DIVORCE
12. Be aware and live within your means
13. Don’t be afraid to revisit the agreement terms

Children of Divorce Deserve Special Holiday Attention

We all know the holiday season is fraught with stress, overwhelm and pressure for parents. But we are not alone. For children facing their parents’ divorce or who are experiencing their first holiday season post-divorce, this can be an especially tough time of year.

For children coping with divorce and its aftermath, our challenge as parents and co-parents is to create new traditions and activities that can replace the memories of family holidays in the past. In this blog posting Rosalind Sedacca offers some suggestions for helping your children through the holiday season in the best possible spirits.

• Show compassion
• Model Responsible Behavior With Your Ex
• Start Creating Wonderful New Memories

Finding A New Kind Of Partnership Through Divorce

When you're facing a major life change, it helps to talk to someone who's already been through it. All Things Considered is connecting people on either side of a shared experience, and they're letting us eavesdrop on their conversations.

In this conversation, Sarah Weeldreyer, 37, is a stay-at-home-mom with two kids, has been married for 11 years, and is going through a divorce.

But she's not looking for a fight.

"There's this expectation that you want to hurt this other person, that you want to damage them and leave them forever, and I just don't think that, at least for me, is true," she says.

Instead, Sarah wants to go through a divorce in a way that "rebuilds a relationship that's different, but still healthy and helpful for everyone going forward."

Melissa Smith was in a similar situation last year — and blogged about it. After making it through her own divorce amicably, she's able to offer Sarah some advice on how to get through the worst of it.

The 4 Elements of Divorce

When most people are going through a divorce they don’t think about the various elements that come into play during this difficult process. They are often overwhelmed with emotions that come up during this extremely difficult time of their lives. In this excellent blog posting, Susan Ingram writes that they often become stuck in the disputed details of their lives, and are unable to see the Big Picture of what is in play and thus understand the essential interaction between the 4 elements of divorce.

Those elements are:

• The legal divorce
• The financial divorce
• The children's divorce
• The emotional divorce

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

7 Steps to Balance Financial Inequality Between Co-Parents

During the early stages of separation a fear many of our clients voice is that their children will prefer being with their more affluent parent because of his/her superior financial capabilities.  While it is true that the more affluent parent, either by income or family largesse,  is able to provide more and differently than the less affluent parent, the effect this has on the child’s relationship with this parent has more to do with how he/she handles the differences than the differences themselves.

In this blog posting Lisa Brick offers seven steps to provide a way forward that can maintain the love and closeness you have and want to continue with your children while you adjust to your changing circumstances.

1. Recognize that all that glitters is not gold.
2. Put your bitterness towards your circumstances and your ex away when you are with your children.
3. Recognize that the love and opportunities your children have in their lives is a blessing for them, regardless of the source.
4. Focus on what you can provide your children rather than what you can’t.
5. Be innovative with how you procure what you and your children need and want.
6. Educate yourself about money and finances using the plethora of information available on the web, in libraries, and in bookstores.
7. Look inside yourself and explore the ideas you inherited around money and finances.

By following these seven steps to balance the impact of the income and resource difference between you and your ex you will meet your new circumstances with greater equanimity, teach your children the power in using resources respectfully and  effectively, and provide them with solid and useful information about earning, saving, spending, and investing.  

Spousal Maintenance (Alimony) and Retirement

In Massachusetts the spousal maintenance (alimony) statute provides an advisory schedule, based on the length of the marriage, for the court to consider in determining the term of maintenance. Paradoxically, however, as Clare Piro writes in this excellent blog posting, a longer-term marriage, which would typically result in a longer term of support, may in fact do just the opposite. Why? Because the paying spouse may be likely to retire before the end of the term.

In court, the retirement of the paying spouse, if known, could be considered in deciding the duration of maintenance. If it is not known at that time, the paying spouse would need to go back to court to seek a modification if he/she wishes to decrease the length of the support.

In mediation, you can have a discussion that takes into consideration all of the relevant factors without anyone having to petition the court, such as:

• The age and health of both parties;
• The likelihood that the paying spouse will work beyond a typical retirement age;
• The parties’ retirement plans before they decided to separate, and whether they need to be revised after a separation.

A balance needs to be struck between:

• The need of the spouse receiving support to have sufficient income; and
• The desire of the spouse paying support to retire at a reasonable age and reap the benefits of a long career.

How To Help Your Kids Through a Divorce

Dissolving a marriage takes an emotional toll on everyone involved, including (and especially) the children. In this excellent blog posting, Roseann Vanella writes that kids react in a number of ways to divorce, depending on their age, personality, and the specific family dynamics and circumstances. Initially, the reaction is often one of shock, anger, worry, fear, sadness, frustration, uncertainty and similar emotions. Over time, most kids learn to adjust to their new reality, but there are sure to be some ups and downs during the adjustment period.

To help kids cope with the divorce, it is important to be proactive early in the process. Try to understand what your children are going through, and be sensitive about their feelings. Here are some other steps parents can take to help children more easily adjust to their new circumstances:

• Break the News Together
• Keep the Routines of the Children as Consistent as Possible
• Do NOT Argue in Front of the Children
• Do NOT Speak Negatively of the Other Parent
• Stay Involved in the Lives of your Children

Yeah Right. Court Will Make Things Better.

How you go about resolving the conflict between you and your spouse could change everything.

If you have 3 minutes, watch this excellent video by Garry Direnfeld and consider what is surely one of your biggest decisions.

The Main Benefits Of Mediation In Divorce Cases

When faced with the prospect of an impending divorce, most people immediately think about going to court. However, the thought of dragging your personal life before a judge can often be terrifying for many individuals, and can add extra stress, anxiety and upset to a situation that is already tense and in some cases, unwanted.

In this excellent article, Brandon Jones writes that many married couples who are planning to end their marriage do not realize that there’s actually a calmer, less daunting alternative to the courtroom in divorce mediation. Mediation is performed by an unbiased third party, known as a mediator, who will help the couple to come to agreements on various issues in a safe, secure environment outside of the courtroom. Mediation can make divorce cases much easier to deal with for all parties if they do go to court, and in many cases, mediation can even help couples to avoid dragging their divorce through the court altogether.

Less Daunting

With the help of a trained third-party, you and your spouse will both be able to speak without arguing and address the most important issues that you will both need to face during this stressful time, such as decisions about finances or children that you have together. Divorce mediation will allow you to speak clearly and openly, encourage you to compromise, and help you to get the results that you need.

Better for Children

For many married couples who have children, divorce is a stressful ordeal for all of the family. Since mediation is a much less aggressive, calmer method of working things out, it’s not only good for parents’ stress levels, but it can be a far better choice for your children, too.

Cost Effective

Another benefit of choosing mediation over going to court when it comes to getting divorced is that it almost always costs less than litigation.

6 Proven Co-Parenting Strategies for Divorced Parents

While moving through divorce can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, for many parents it is just the beginning of a new and equally intimidating challenge: co-parenting your children.  Divorced parents who choose to live relatively close to one another so as not to disturb the school, sports and other related schedules of their children, certainly deserve credit and acknowledgement.

In this excellent blog posting Rosalind Sedacca offers six guidelines to remember that will help make your new co-parenting relationship work:

• Don’t bad-mouth your ex around the kids, ever!

• Never fight around your children. 

• Always offer your ex the opportunity for special times with the kids – before involving a new relationship partner, i.e.: taking your teen for their drivers test or tryouts for a new sport.

• Prioritize Mom and Dad being together for special occasions: celebrating birthdays, graduations and other significant events. 

• You and your ex won’t agree on all things so decide to pick your battles regarding parenting issues. 

• Use an online scheduling tool to keep straight about visit swaps, school activities, sports, vacations, holidays, parties and who is doing what – when! 

The Importance of Life Insurance in the Divorce Settlement

In this excellent blog posting, Roseann Vanella writes that life insurance policies are typically used as security to ensure that full child and spousal support payments will be made in the event that the paying ex-spouse dies.

Life Insurance to Secure Child Support Payments

If there are younger children at the time of the divorce, child support payments will continue for many years. The life insurance policy needs to have enough to compensate the custodial spouse until the last child turns 18  paid as a lump sum death benefit to the custodial spouse (for the benefit of the children).

Life Insurance to Secure Alimony

After a divorce, alimony may be required until the receiving spouse is deemed to be able to become self-sufficient or to receive the education and/or training necessary to become self-sufficient.

Who Should Own the Life Insurance Policy?

One of the most important details is which spouse should be the actual owner of the insurance policy. In some divorces, the paying spouse owns the policy, and provides frequent updates to the receiving spouse to prove the policy is still in force. To provide additional security, some receiving spouses insist on being the policy owners, with the paying spouse still making the premium payments as part of their support payment.

Supporting the Grandparent-Grandchild Relationship After Divorce

When divorce takes place, everyone in the family is affected. Often the impact on grandparents is overlooked amidst the turmoil involving parents and children. But the affect can be devastating for grandparents who want to help and also stay in the lives of the children they love.

How do you cope as grandparents when the consequences of divorce limits or ends physical visits with the grandkids?

You do that by maintaining and strengthening the relationship you already have using the technology available and your best communication skills with your grown child’s former spouse.

In this excellent article, Rosalind Sedacca offers seven ways you can stay in the lives of your grandchildren despite the distance between you and the divorce.

Why It May Be in Your Best Interest to Settle a Divorce Out of Court

In the context of a divorce, litigants are emotionally entrenched in their positions, and they may think: How could the judge possibly not see that what my spouse is doing is wrong? Don’t they see that my spouse is an idiot? Oftentimes, a person going through a divorce believes that if he or she gets into the courtroom and tells the judge their version of the story, all of a sudden the lights, bells, and whistles are going to go off, and the judge will see their side and “get it.” It rarely works that way.

In this article, Debra Rubin writes that the court is overburdened with all the proceedings that come before it. More likely than not, the court has heard many versions of your story over the years, only with different names attached. Furthermore, judges are people, and they all come to these cases with their own personal biases. Those bells and whistles that you expect to go off in a trial? More likely than not, you will be disappointed.

If you and your spouse go to trial, it will only serve to increase the hostility between you. If you have children together, you are still going to have to work together going forward. It will be much harder to establish or to re-establish a cordial and civilized relationship if you have hashed out all of your dirty laundry in court. If you settle, at least you have a starting point that you’ve both agreed upon, even if it’s not the ideal.

The First 3 Critical Steps on Your Road to Divorce

In this excellent blog posting, Katherine Miller writes about the first three critical steps in getting a divorce.  These steps have nothing to do with negotiation. They are about understanding the problem and they are crucial to a good result.

• Choose a path and commit to it.  The overwhelming majority of divorce cases settle before the judge hands down a decision after a trial. The decision is not whether or not you’re going to settle, but how you’re going to do that.  Will you settle because the terms make sense and you are ready to move on with your life?
• Get perspective.  Get an understanding of what the facts of your life are. You need to develop a shared understanding of your economic reality.
• Get grounded.  Deepen your understanding of what’s important to you and why.  Then, once you more fully understand yourself (and not before), see if you can understand—not agree with, but understand—what’s important to the other person and why. 

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

20 Things to Know About Divorce Mediation

In this excellent blog posting, Dana Westreich Hirt lists twenty things that people going through a divorce - and the many people who know them - might find helpful about divorce mediation:

1. Divorce is complicated.
2. Fighting makes everything worse. 
3. Make sure your mediator is neutral. 
4. Informed decision-making is key. 
5. Mediators are trained to reflect your “interests”, not your rights. 
6. Something can be inequitable, but still be legal. 
7. Lawyers get a bad rap. 
8. Mediation is a delicate balance. 
9. Enough with the venting. 
10. One partner is always further along than the other.
11. Emotional uncoupling is a process. 
12. Mediators are people, too. 
13. It’s not the mediator’s job to solve your problems.
14. Mediators are bound by ethics of confidentiality.
15. Co-parenting is not the same as parallel parenting. 
16. “Be brief; be informative; be friendly; be firm.”
17. Be as positive as possible. 
18. Listen to understand, not to react. 
19. Focus forward. 
20. No parenting agreement is ideal.

Saying Goodbye to the Courtroom

In this article from the Boston Globe, David A. Hoffman writes whey, after 31 years as a courtroom lawyer, he has decided to walk away from litigation.

"I have been mulling this decision for many years, primarily because of my disgruntlement — and my clients’ disgruntlement — over the costs, delays, and the sheer unpredictability of courtroom battle.

"It was not an easy decision. To be completely blunt, litigation is lucrative, even if it is sometimes ruinously expensive for clients.  But our society also needs peacemakers, and many lawyers are now turning to mediation and collaborative law as part of their practice. Mediation is now taught at almost every law school.

"And so, three months ago, I turned my back on courtroom battle and began pursuing peacemaking as my full-time job. Since that time, each of my cases — whether I am serving as a mediator or as a collaborative law attorney helping my clients settle their conflict — casts me in the role of a dispute resolver."

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

10 Things To Keep In Mind When Telling Your Kids About The Divorce

Telling your kids that you plan to divorce is not a conversation to be taken lightly. It’s one that marks a turning point in all of your lives.

For the sake of your children’s mental health, it’s important to be prepared. In this excellent blog posting, Carolin Lehmann offers some expert tips to help you share the news with your kids in the best way possible considering the circumstances. 

1. Watch your tone.
2. Let them know that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Use clear language.
4. Tell all the kids at the same time.
5. Give your kids advance notice before a parent moves out.
6. Consider timing.
7. Let them know you’ll both always be there.
8. Show a unified front.
9. Offer a sense of stability.
10. Don’t tell them you still love each other.

What Should We Tell the Children?

One of the most typical questions asked of me by parents who are beginning the divorce process is, “What should we tell the children and how should we tell them?” Most parents, understandably, feel awful in having to tell their children about their pending divorce and how all their lives are going to be permanently changed. Such a task can generate tremendous pangs of guilt, sadness, and anger. Moreover, parents want to protect their children from the emotional pain of divorce, and want to protect their children from viewing themselves as the cause of the divorce.

In this blog posting, Don Saposnek writes that if parents work together in their divorce, even if they weren’t able to work together in their marriage, the children will benefit. Even if the first wish of children of divorce (i.e. that Mom and Dad will get back together) can’t come true, their second wish (i.e. that Mom and Dad will cooperate with each other and not fight) can come true. That is up to you.

Are You Really Ready for Divorce?

Your marriage is in question and you're facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go. Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce.

In this blog posting, Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson write that most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.

For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally.

Unemployed Husbands, Not Financial Problems, Are Most Likely To Break Up Marriages

The biggest factor correlated with straight couples getting divorced is neither financial problems nor the division of domestic work: It is whether the man in the relationship is employed, a new Harvard University study shows.

In this blog posting James Dennis writes that researchers looked at more than 6,000 marriages stretching from 1968 to 2013, to see how gender dynamics have changed since women began entering the workforce in greater numbers.

The authors wrote: 

"...Wives' employment is not associated with the risk of divorce, while husbands' lack of full-time employment remains associated with marital instability ... changes in the gender structure may not have proceeded evenly for men and women; fulfillment of the male-breadwinner role appears to be equally or more strongly associated with marital stability."

In other words, the most influential variable increasing the likelihood of divorce was when the husband was out of a job, suggesting men have not socially adapted to the idea of not being a breadwinner.

Addressing the Best Interests of the Child in the Mediation Process

When devising solutions to parenting issues like custody and visitation, courts are guided by a variety of considerations, all under the heading of “best interests of the child.”

In this excellent blog posting, Sandy Balick writes that the courts approach the best-interests analysis seriously and struggle to do the right thing in a given situation. Yet, in reality, the child is a stranger to the court. A child’s personality must be conveyed through parental testimony and/or through the child’s own attorney. Divorcing spouses may have a limited ability to shape the ultimate parenting plan if the dispute resolution is left to the court’s efforts.

Disagreements over parenting arrangements are routine subjects for mediation, and except in the most entrenched cases, parents discover that their differences may be worked out in a variety of ways. The willingness of the parties to listen to one another and to engage in a way that is open to practical considerations allows these seemingly intractable issues get worked out. It is facilitated by the mediator’s skill in, among other things, breaking down the issues into component parts that are much easier to discuss and resolve.

9 Tips for Going Back to Work After a Divorce

Transitioning back into the workforce after a divorce is like a double whammy. Not only has your entire life just changed, from where you live to sharing child care responsibilities, to the loss of in-laws, and sometimes even friends.

In this blog posting, Anna Rabern offers some ideas to help you get started moving forward and go back to work after a divorce.

Don’t panic! It’s a candidate’s market right now. Companies are hiring, and with the right research and resume, you can easily position yourself to be back in the workforce sooner rather than later.

5 Crucial Insurance Changes After Divorce

Any major life change sends a ripple effect through your finances — especially a divorce. Insurance matters may seem trivial next to the emotional upheaval of ending a marriage. But minding the details now can prevent financial pain later.

Barbara Marquand looks at five insurance changes to address after a divorce:

• Life insurance,
• Disability insurance,
• Health insurance,
• Car insurance, and
• Home insurance.

Insurance matters can be complicated in the best of times, let alone when you divorce. Keep in touch with your insurance company to make sure all the details are squared away.

Divorce Mediation Can Help When a Spouse is Holding Out Hope of Reconciliation

Like Roseann Vanella, I often encounter spouses who are at very different emotional stages in the divorce process. For example, one spouse may have come to the realization many months ago that the marriage is effectively over, while the other may still be holding out hope of reconciliation.

Divorce is especially hard on the spouse who does not want to let go of the marriage. Often, they feel like a helpless victim who has suddenly lost control of their future. When the couple comes in for divorce mediation, this spouse is typically very resistant at first to the entire process.  In such cases, I typically advise the spouses that if all other avenues have been exhausted and one party insists on divorce, sooner or later the other party will need to accept this reality. Throughout the divorce mediation process, the resisting spouse is often able to come to accept the divorce, and we are able to work out an equitable solution.

As a divorce mediator, it is my job to try to soften this harsh reality and help my clients reach an amicable settlement, so they can pick up the pieces and move forward with their lives.

Israel Introduces Compulsory Mediation for Divorcing Couples

Israeli couples who apply to divorce will have to undergo compulsory mediation following the introduction of a new law.

The spouses at loggerheads will need to meet counselors or rabbis for a series of four meetings within a period of 45 days. If they fail to reconcile within that period, then the rabbinical courts will process their divorce application.

The traditional rabbinical courts have exclusive authority over marriage and divorce in Israel – no civil alternatives are available.

Knesset member Merav Michaeli stated, “Disputes will thus be resolved before legal proceedings occur. The discussions will be private, and will focus on the issues between couples, as well as how to avoid disputes that could be painful to children and families.”

Justice Minister Ayelet Shaked added: “Similar laws in other countries have shown that it is possible for couples to work out issues and disputes before raising them in legal channels.”

Managing Your Finances When You're Separated

If you and your husband or wife are separated or about to be separated, you may feel like you're divorced, but you are actually very married. This means that you may be emotionally split from your spouse, and perhaps living in two separate locations, but your money is still likely very much intertwined.

As Geoff Williams writes, your money situation is about to change. You know your life is changing, but you may be tempted to keep as much of it as unchanged as possible, especially if you have children. But the sad fact is, you're going to have to make financial sacrifices somewhere - you now have two households that need to be supported with the same pot of money.  If you can get into that mindset right away, that you and your soon-to-be ex will both be living on less, it may help you avoid having your spirit completely crushed later.

Thinking Of Divorcing? Read This First

It might be shocking for a lawyer to tell you to avoid court. But Rob Blair, a board-certified specialist in family law and, according to Business North Carolina magazine, the top family law attorney in North Carolina in 2016 writes exactly that.

There are ways to end a marriage that don’t involve a lawsuit. "Instruct your lawyer to use negotiation, mediation and collaborative law instead to get divorced, arrange child custody, and resolve your issues.  Twenty years from now, your family’s destiny may be different because you followed this advice today."

Knowing When a Marriage Is Over

The New York Times recently published an excellent panel discussion addressing the question, "When is it time to give up on a marriage or a relationship? What should be a definitive breaking point?"

Is Divorce with Dignity Possible?

The dissolution of a marriage is often an emotionally draining experience made even more nerve-racking by a legal process that can be expensive and difficult to navigate.

In this excellent video, three mediators share their perspectives about mediation and collaborative law.

Divorce Mediation to Create a “Non-Separation Agreement”

Sometimes couples who come to mediation are unsure if they really want to get divorced. They may not even know they are unsure.

Like Gary Shaffer writes, I have worked with couples who, more than anything, needed to just get on the same page about finances and child rearing. One question for a couple and a mediator to keep in mind is whether working out the details of a separation agreement can open the door to a “non-separation agreement,” i.e., a postnup, where each spouse agrees to certain things going forward.

Mediation often tackles matters that were previously not resolved, or never discussed at all. The discussion, and just as importantly, creating written draft agreements the couple will review and modify, can occasionally change what people are willing to do now, before a divorce. Perhaps the “Separation Agreement” can be used for another purpose, to create a “Staying Together Agreement.” Here’s what we each agree to going forward. It may or may not work, and nothing prevents the couple from subsequently getting divorced.

You Thought Your Marriage Was Miserable - Wait Till You Get to Court

The breakup of a marriage almost always involves some level of conflict between spouses, but the process of litigation during divorce ratchets that conflict up to a level of devastation for all members of the immediate and even extended family. Instead of getting away from the turmoil by divorcing, the adversarial nature of a legal “fight” can actually create permanent emotional and financial damage.

In this excellent podcast Marilyn Miller, a psychotherapist, Steve Schechter, a lawyer and mediator, and Melynda Gulley, at mediator discuss how parents can create an emotionally supportive divorce that promotes a healthy relationship between themselves and a loving future for their children.

Supporting the Reluctant Spouse in Pursuing a Healthy Divorce

Divorce often arises from persistent disagreement and fundamental differences in perspective between spouses.  Usually one spouse arrives at the conclusion to divorce, strongly in favor while the other experiences some reluctance.

To understand how to support a hesitant spouse, it's important to recognize what's driving their reluctance.  In this excellent blog posting Sharon Pastore writes about three potential causes of one spouse being reluctant to divorce: 1.) Ethical and moral reasons, 2.) Legal and financial tactics, and 3.) Fear and painful emotions.

Sharon offers several strategies to support the reluctant spouse in pursuing a healthy divorce:

• Work through Grief and Toward Acceptance
• Involve the Non-Reluctant Spouse
• Reassure and Empower

Coping with the Guilt of Divorce

Many caring parents I work with admit to feeling tremendous guilt about their divorce. It’s easy to understand why. Parents who are aware of the emotional toll a separation or divorce can take on their children feel torn about whether they made the right decision.

Divorce is never a black and white issue. Changing the form of a family unit doesn’t necessarily mean destroying the family or the love between parents and children. It all depends upon how you handle the challenges. Sometimes divorce is the wisest decision or the best direction to move in to provide stability and peace of mind to a family experiencing devastating emotional turmoil.

In this blog posting Rosalind Sedacca offers suggestions on coping with the guilt of divorce.

Shifting to See A Better Solution

In this blog posting Katherine Miller writes about in non-litigated divorces, such as collaborative law and mediation, parties are given the opportunity to look beneath and within their positions to understand them better, acknowledge how other people—including their estranged spouse—might see the problem and possibly shift enough to see a better solution. Instead of maintaining an inflexible position that may do them more harm than good, they collaborate with experienced divorce professionals who help them understand their situation better and through that understanding achieve the best outcomes.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

4 Things You Must Do to Protect Yourself From Going Bankrupt in a Divorce

In this blog posting Cheryl and Joe Dillon offer four tips for couples preparing for divorce.

• Don’t use the legal process as a weapon to try to get even with your spouse.  If you’re thinking of going this route, plan on bankrupting yourself financially and emotionally because you’ll spend up to $200,000 and waste two to three years of your life fighting this battle.
• Beware of coming to agreements with your spouse prematurely.  Given the financial complexities of divorce, there’s a lot you “won’t know you don’t know” so it’s important to take the time to do the proper discovery before you do any deciding.
• Don’t have unrealistic expectations of what you can get/what you’ll pay. Take time to learn the facts/realities.  Let a qualified professional give you some perspective and help you come to a fair and realistic settlement.
• Choose your divorce professional carefully.  Instead of hiring lawyers as your first step, try divorce mediation. In mediation, a trained neutral third party well-versed in the laws and financial matters of divorce will help you and your spouse negotiate directly with the goal of reaching a settlement you both find fair.

5 Tips for Choosing the Best Divorce Mediator

Choosing a divorce mediator is the first agreement divorcing spouses make together at the beginning of the divorce mediation process. It will be one of the most important decisions spouses reach during their divorce.

In divorce mediation, you will discuss issues that are personal, sensitive, and emotional. There will be times when you cover financial and legal issues. There will be times you communicate about important family issues. All the while, the divorce mediator you choose will guide you along the way.

In this excellent blog posting, Michael Aurit writes about five essential mediator qualities that spouses should consider before choosing a divorce mediator.

• TRUST - The most important consideration in choosing a family mediator is that you trust him or her to guide you through the process.  Your mediator should be someone you feel comfortable with as a person and as a professional.
• PRACTICE AREA THAT IS ONLY FAMILY MEDIATION - Verify that the mediator’s practice area is dedicated to divorce and family mediation.
• EDUCATION IN DISPUTE RESOLUTION AND MEDIATION - Ensure that your mediator has a substantial education in dispute resolution and continuing mediation training.
• INVOLVED IN THE MEDIATION PROFESSION - Does your mediator write a regular blog? Involvement in local and national organizations and associations is another indication that the mediator is invested in being at the top of their game.
• FLAT FEES OR HOURLY BILLING - The cost of the mediation process is always an important consideration.  An important cost questions relate to the predictability of your mediator’s fees. It is very important that you trust he or she will be accurate and fair with their time.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Obligatory Mediations for Divorcing Couples in Israel

A set of new regulations mandating that couples in dispute must take part in a mediation process in an effort to come to a consensual agreement before appearing in front of a court of law or rabbinic court came into effect earlier this month in Israel.

The regulations aim to reduce the amount of litigation resulting from such cases, along with the acrimony and waste of money they tends to generate.

"In many cases, an agreement can be reached and the courts can be avoided, which will benefit the citizens and make it easier for the system to encourage all parties involved to make joint decisions," said Justice Minister Ayelet Shaked."We need to remember that parental disputes cause damage especially for the children, and that it is our duty to protect them."

Do You Really Think The Judge Will Make It Right?

There are times in our lives when we all harbor the fanciful idea that there is a magical “all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful” entity out there who will wave his or her wand and make everything okay for us.

Like my colleague Ada Hasloecher writes, while mediating separations and divorces, there are times that I’ll hear one spouse, in a fit of total frustration, spout the line: “We’ll see what a judge has to say about THAT!”

First of all, the likelihood that a judge is even going to hear your case is extremely slim. And more importantly:

• Are you willing to put your life on hold for the next 2 to 3 years, waiting for the judge’s decision?
• Are you willing to bear the tremendous financial cost of having your attorney prepare for trial?
• Are you prepared for the good chance that you will settle “out of court” before your case even gets to the judge, despite having laid out all your hard-earned money for a trial that never occurs?
• And, do you really think that the judge will make it right?

Unlikely. If the judge makes everything right for YOU, what about your soon-to-be-ex-spouse? You say you don’t care, but consider this … the judge could side with your soon-to-be-ex—and that means that YOU are the odd man/woman out. Could happen. Then what?

Why Your Upcoming Divorce Mediation is a Good Thing!

In the context of a divorce, mediation is a good thing. It offers folks a real opportunity to settle their divorce without the acrimony or expense of a trial.

In this posting on the HuffPost Divorce blog, Christina Pesoli offers some reasons to feel good about mediation:

• It’s waaaay more civilized than trial. 
• No one can force you to agree to anything.
• You can ask for whatever you want (within reason).
• It is cheaper and faster in the long run.

If you don’t settle, you didn’t waste your time—nor are you for sure going to tria. Even in a mediation that doesn’t result in a settlement agreement, progress is typically made on at least some issues. Often the parties continue to build on that progress after mediation. Many times the parties will settle after mediation but before trial. In other words, the work that happens in mediation has value even if it doesn’t bear fruit that same day.

Free Yourself from Being Frozen in Fear

Divorce can be one of the most difficult times in your life.  You are going through a total upheaval that affects nearly every part of your day-to-day existence.  It’s disorienting to have everything suddenly uncertain.  It’s natural to feel a bit lost, confused, angry, hurt, and sad all at once as you try to come to grips with your situation and work through everything that must be done.

In this blog posting, Shan While writes about her five-step process working through and reconditioning the debilitating, pervasive, all-encompassing fear she was experiencing.

Her steps were to:

• Recognize,
• Re-frame her perspective,
• Rehearse,
• Release, and
• Revise.

Fear is a normal human emotion that doesn't need to cripple you and keep you from becoming everything you dream of being and doing. If you are willing to address it, find out what's behind it and take active action. You can take control over it instead of it taking control of you.

The System is Broken, Broken, Broken ...

In this excellent, and depressing, blog posting Ada Hasloecher writes about a friend of hers that has been going through the matrimonial legal system for a total of 9 years.  Every time she thinks it’s almost over … No! There’s always one more thing.

She says the system is broken, broken, broken … and if only people knew that before they went to court, they would do everything in their power to avoid it.

Here is what Ada's friend told her to share with anyone even thinking of going to court:

• If you think you will get your fair share in the end, think again. No one cares about your side of the story. There isn’t enough time or the resources to get to the bottom of it no matter how bad your case may be.
• If you think your ex is hiding things from you, the system isn’t going to look for it. You can hire a forensic accountant on your own to prove it, which is just more money you have to spend to get a fair deal.
• All your money will end up with your attorney—not you. Your time in the system will ensure that all your money is wrung out of you.
• Everything takes what feels like forever—years and years of time. The courts are so backed up. Take a number! You’re not any better than someone standing in a bakery line.
• The attorneys will discourage you from moving out of the house while the case is pending. So if your case goes on for 5, 6, 9 years, that’s 5, 6, 9 years of a living hell.
• Your children are suffering. Your children will continue to suffer and the system doesn’t care about it. You do, they don’t.

Litigation or mediation.  Think about it.

Why Does Mediation Make Sense for Divorcing Couples?

What’s so special about divorce mediation? Plenty! Check out these Questions and Answers from Susan Ingram and you’ll understand why mediation may be the best choice for a divorcing couple.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Whose Side Are You On? The Same Side!

In divorce mediation Mom and Dad are on the same side, working together to resolve issues affecting the whole family, so everyone can move forward in the best possible way. In this excellent article, Rachel Alexander writes that this act of cooperation provides a supportive and reassuring message for kids. The children see their parents acting as a unit and behaving as their evolved selves. Parents are managing the situation, addressing their children’s needs, and demonstrating leadership and integrity. This exemplifies parents nourishing their children, which is, after all, the dynamic of a functional family.

It is the antithesis of what divorce often engenders—a disordered, contentious atmosphere wherein parents regress and aggress against one another, forcing their kids into the fray. Even when parents don’t directly involve their children but behave as adversaries instead of allies, the effect on their children can be deleterious. Children can feel destabilized and fearful. Their parents—the people responsible for their care—are divided, and they now have less of a support team or system than they previously depended upon.

Is Your Divorce Attorney Really On Your Side?

The corruption, collusion, and abuse that happens in the Family Court system is truly appalling. How does a person protect themselves? How do you know if your attorney is one of the “good ones”?

In this blog posting Nancy Hetrick lists 10 questions when interviewing divorce attorneys to help you sort through the maze.

Keeping the House - Mortgage Refinancing During a Divorce

If you’re considering divorce, the first question for most couples is: “What should we do with the house?”

The family home is usually the biggest asset to divide. Plus, it’s more than just property. You may have ties to the neighborhood, your kids are happy in their school, and you’ve invested time, energy and love into creating a home there.

If one spouse decides to keep the house in divorce, refinancing gives you a way to access the equity in the home so one spouse can buy out the other. There are some unique challenges to getting a mortgage during a divorce, but armed with the right knowledge, you can protect yourself financially and do what’s best for your family.

In this excellent article Jeff Weaver writes about four of the most common questions and how to deal with them.

Special Needs Children and Divorce

Negotiating a divorce agreement is never easy, regardless of how amicable the separation. Not many people can manage to keep their emotions out of it, especially in matters regarding children.  Negotiations related to the best interests of special needs children may present a number of additional hurdles. It is not uncommon for divorcing couples in these circumstances to choose divorce mediation.

In this excellent article Dr. Lynne C. Halem writes that parents of special needs children may find comfort in knowing that the process of divorce mediation provides a platform for cooperation, aiming to achieve mutual agreements that will protect the interests of the child. Parents with special needs children who elect to mediate their divorce, or at the least their parenting plans and custodial arrangements, produce agreements that best serve their children.

Some of the questions that can be addressed in mediation include:

• Where will the child reside?
• How is child support calculated for parents with special needs children?
• Are any of these costs borne by the state, or will they be in the future?
• What kind of custodial arrangements are made in the event of the death of either parent?
• How will information about the child’s IEP and other evaluative reports be shared?
• How do parents determine services to be used for the child?
• How is the daily schedule structured?

Helping Your Business Survive a Divorce

While divorce is difficult for everyone, the fairy tale of "happily ever after" can become an absolute nightmare if the couple co-own a business.

If you're an owner involved in a divorce, think ahead. Laying a legal foundation and staying calm can make a stressful situation, while never pleasant, less traumatic than it would otherwise have been if both parties start shooting from the hip. In this excellent article, Arkady Bukh offers six guidelines:

• Handle the emotional fallout before emotions become the focus.
• Discuss the future -- early.
• Find attorneys who can empathize.
• Opt for a 'collaborative' divorce.
• Use mediation.
• Employ multiple options.

How do Smart People Divorce?

People often fail to realize how much of our perception about divorce is shaped by fiction: Television programs and films that depict divorce as dramatic and hostile. Yet most people know examples of divorced couples whose divorce was calm and civilized, and who remain friendly and even sociable afterwards. How did they manage this? Chances are they were smart about divorce.

In this excellent article Susanne Hale writes about how smart people divorce.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Why Divorce Mediation Is an Appealing Alternative to a Court Fight

Couples who decide to end their marriage are often dealing with the most upsetting, stressful time of their lives, and the prospect of fighting tooth and nail in court to decide issues like child custody, visitation, and finances only piles on the emotional trauma.

In this excellent article from BusinessWest.com, Joseph Bednar writes that’s why divorce mediation — a less costly, less stressful alternative to a contested divorce — is gaining in popularity. It’s a process that doesn’t deal in who’s right or wrong, but allows two people to take control of a bad situation and talk it out — often for the first time in years.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Avoiding The Financial Pitfalls Of Divorce

If you’ve arrived at a place in your marriage where you’re certain continuing is just not possible, then it’s time to do some preparation—the key to safely navigating this life transition.

Michael F. Kay writes that when emotions typically take center stage when a relationship has deteriorated beyond repair—and it’s safe to say that good financial decision-making and emotions rarely mix well. So while it’s challenging to deal with money issues rationally when you’re blanketed in pain, you want to give it your best shot.

Some couples (usually seething with anger and hurt), seek to hire the toughest and most aggressive “shark” attorney who will look to pound their adversary into pulp. At the end of this lengthy and expensive process, their private lives are laid open to public scrutiny.

A more sensible is when each party decides that the best possible outcome is not punishment, but the preservation of as much wealth as possible. In this case, there are better and more rational approaches available, such as mediation.

Are You Really Ready for Divorce?

Your marriage is in question and you're facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go.

In this outstanding article, Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson write that most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests.

The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Consider a Mediator Before Getting a Lawyer for Your Divorce

Divorce is often a time when a person finally gets the courage to stand up and speak, yet is rarely a time when listening is happening. Speaking tends to be more in the form of demands and insults due to hurt and anger. Strangely enough, divorce is a time when the parties really do need to talk, and more importantly listen, in order to successfully get through the divorce process and to be effective co-parents for the future.  Unfortunately the litigation process of divorce does not encourage listening. Being heard, truly heard, creates an atmosphere of understanding and empathy. This is the premise of meditation, and facilitates robust and mature discussion.

In this excellent article from women24 discusses how these discussions, whilst effectively listening to the other person’s fears and needs, can lead to an agreement that is workable for both people. Due to the agreement being creatively shaped by both parties, there is an investment and an ownership over the process that is rarely experienced through litigation. This goes a long way to creating success in future problem resolutions with regards to parenting and maintenance.

10 Key Questions for Caring Co-Parents

Divorced parents face challenges that are not only complex; they are long lasting as well. There are many variations of joint parenting, co-parenting and other forms of divorced parenting based on how well both parents get along, their geographical proximity, the age of the children and other contributing factors. Every decision made will affect the children involved -- and the impact can be detected in children’s behavior, attitudes and levels of self-esteem.

In this excellent blog posting, Rosalind Sedacca offers a list of significant questions to ask yourselves. If you sit together and discuss these questions, or review them during mediation, it can help you avoid serious mistakes and unnecessary strife now and well into the future.
The more honest you are with yourself and your former spouse, the easier for your children to move on after divorce into their new reality.