Consulting Attorneys and Mediation

I always advise my clients to have separate, independent counsel review any agreement before they sign it. About half my clients choose to do so; about half do not.

In this article, Susan Ingram explains that, as divorce mediators, we must, and will, give a couple information about the law. This includes equitable distribution of property, parenting plans, and child support.

Susan also explains that mediators work in a neutral capacity with both parties, and do not offer separate legal advice to either one of them.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Refinancing a Mortgage During Divorce

If you’re considering divorce, the first question for most couples is: “What should we do with the house?”

The family home is usually the biggest asset to divide. Plus, it’s more than just property. You may have ties to the neighborhood, your kids are happy in their school, and you’ve invested time, energy and love into creating a home there.

If one spouse decides to keep the house in divorce, refinancing gives you a way to access the equity in the home so one spouse can buy out the other. In this excellent blog posting Jeff Weaver writes about the unique challenges to getting a mortgage during a divorce and how you can protect yourself financially and do what’s best for your family.

The Six Essential Attributes of a Mediator:

Although I do mediate a variety of disputes (elder, business, landlord-tenant) most of my work is in divorce mediation. The six attributes Robert Angyal lists in this article are essential in helping couples come to their best agreement during a divorce.

• Expertise in mediation
• Ability to keep confidences
• Optimism
• Persistence
• Patience
• Impasse avoidance skills

As Robert writes, in order to ensure that potential mediators possess all these attributes, you shouldn't be shy about interviewing them. If they don't understand what you are talking about, you shouldn't retain them. You will be doing yourself a disservice if you choose a mediator who lacks any of these attributes - because they won't get the most effective mediator possible.

Divorce Mediation Tips

An excellent article, by Mary McCoy from MoneyCrashers.com, about divorce mediation.

"The assumption that drives mediation is that divorcing spouses – even when they have irreconcilable differences – understand their situation more clearly and can make better individual decisions on their family’s behalf than the court system can. A mediation can prevent couples from viewing the divorce in terms of “winning” or “losing” a battle, and instead see it as an opportunity for a fresh start, which is especially important if children are part of the equation."

Ms. McCoy does an excellent job in describing the involvement of the mediator and a typical mediation session, provides a cost comparison to a litigated divorce, and outlining the advantages and disadvantages of divorce mediation.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Ten Tips for Surviving the Trauma of Divorce and Separation

In this excellent blog posting, Mary Banham-Hall offers 10 tips for surviving the trauma of divorce and separation:

• Mediate.
• Recognise the different stages of grief.
• Beware the human instinct to fight. 
• Listen hard to each other.
• Avoid demonising each other.
• If you have children, put them first.
• Set boundaries.
• Be aware of transference.
• Know your WATNAS from your BATNAS.
• Keep a sense of proportion.

The Right Parenting Plan

As Susan Ingram writes, a major benefit of mediation is that a couple can test out more than one parenting plan as they try to figure out what’s best for their child and family. The couple controls the timing and pacing of the mediation process. They can proceed as fast or slow as they deem necessary, until they are truly comfortable with the arrangements they’ve worked out.

Contrast that with a couple that is litigating their divorce. Their separate lawyers often take rigid and “hard” positions on the issues, including parenting. And their lawyers typically encourage little or no communication between the two of them. Certainly not the best circumstances for working through (and testing out) a viable parenting plan.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Post-Divorce Mediation

Like Susan Ingram writes in this excellent blog posting, once couples have made their various decisions during our mediation sessions, I proceed to have their settlement agreement drafted. This is the document that memorializes everything they’re agreed upon.

It’s important for the agreement to be as detailed as possible, to avoid problems in the future. Yet, especially when a couple will be living under the agreement for many years (such as when they have young children), it also needs to provide some flexibility for future changes.

Often, there are “triggering events,” which can be identified in the agreement as times when a couple may need to review or renegotiate what they’ve agreed upon. Ideally, they will be able to work it out on their own, but if not, the agreement provides that they return to mediation.

Mediation vs. Do-It-Yourself Divorce

There’s nothing to mediate, so we don’t need a mediator. This is the thought of a large number of couples who want to avoid unnecessary cost when the divorce is reasonably amicable.

For a couple who isn’t arguing, the idea of do-it-yourself divorce sounds excellent. Download some forms, fill them out, pay the filing fees, and it’s done.

Unfortunately, writes Gerald A. Maggio, do-it-yourself divorce has a different reality. Paperwork gets held up. Filings get rejected. Spouses spend a lot of time in county offices and in court trying to fix mistakes.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Many times parents feel like it is their obligation to stay married “for the sake of the children” – but more often than not, that can actually lead to more problems and issues for the children. 

In this excellent article Russell Frank writes that while parents may have legitimate reservations about exposing their children to a potential divorce, many studies are beginning to show that the effects of divorce on children can be short term, with children tending to recover quickly after the initial effects of the divorce dissipate. In fact, recent studies show only a minority of children will suffer long-term from the effects of their parents divorcing.

Tips to Succeed in Divorce Mediation

In this article John Hind offers ten tips to help you succeed in divorce mediation.

• Have courage
• Commit yourself
• Do you research
• Take your time
• Ask lots of questions
• Keep an open mind
• Consider what your ex partner might be feeling and needs
• Seek to understand before asking to be understood
• Manage your emotions
• Prepare properly

Moving Out Prior To A Divorce

The impact of separating and moving out can be very traumatic under any circumstances. It is even more traumatic if one party is taking all the actions “solo” while the other party is feeling abandoned and rejected.

The party that is being left may be so affected by the situation that it puts him/her psychologically in a very bad place. Anger and the need for revenge, amplified by the feeling of abandonment, may make one spouse less amenable to working with the other spouse on an equitable agreement.

In this excellent article Jennifer Safian offers a few thoughts on what you may want to do if you move out before you have worked out the terms of your divorce, in order to try to maintain an amicable process with your spouse.