Things All Men Should Understand About Divorce

The Huffington Post asked divorced men about the things every man needs to know if he finds himself faced with divorce papers. Here’s what they said:

• “Your friends can support you when you’re feeling at your lowest and you shouldn’t be shy about calling them whenever you need to talk.”
• “Don’t let ‘Damaged You’ make major life decisions or write checks for ‘Future You.”
• “You can’t jump into a new relationship until you are truly out of the old one.”
• “Keep the focus on the children at all times.”
• “Keep a calendar, and if your kids are old enough, teach them to add their events to it themselves.”
• “Be kind, even when it’s hard.”
• “Don’t try to be the ‘cool’ dad, be a father.”
• “Don’t say anything negative to your children about their mother.”
• “A big part of the healing work is understanding what your part was in the failed marriage.”
• “Give yourself one hour a day to think about what is going on in your life.”
• “Don’t expect a quick ending.”
• “I am lucky to say that I have a long list of things I am grateful for, which I add to every week.”

Preventing Unforeseen Consequences in the Last Stages of Divorce

Toward the end of a divorce many emotions are involved—from anxiety to exasperation. Cost can also be a major factor weighing on people’s minds, which leads mounting pressure to get things done quickly and efficiently. For others, external factors like a new relationship may be the driving force behind their desire to make the transition from divorcing to divorced. And lastly, no one wants to feel like they are wasting their time.

In this excellent article, Katherine Miller writes that it is always worth taking a deep breath in the last stages of negotiation in order to go over the proposed agreement with a fine-toothed comb—from a calm space. Even if it feels impossible. Coming to an agreement, signing the agreement, enacting the agreement, and understanding the agreement are separate pieces, and they all have to work together in order to make a seamless transition from getting divorced to being divorced.

Putting the Divorce Mediation Puzzle Together

As Susan Ingram writes in this excellent blog posting, when I first meet with my mediation clients I explain that, through the course of our sessions, they will be making decisions concerning many important issues.

While the discussions I lead my couples through in mediation need to be structured, they also need to allow for “fluid” thinking. By that, I mean the type of thinking that allows for the interplay between the various decisions that must be made.

It really is similar to putting together the pieces of a puzzle. The puzzle is done when all of the pieces have been properly fit together. And it’s only at that point that the task is completed and it’s time to move on.

Ten Ways To Protect Your Children During Divorce

In this excellent blog posting, Joan B. Kelly offers ten ways to protect your children from the fallout of a high conflict break-up.

• Talk to your children about your separation.
• Be discreet.
• Act like grown-ups. Keep your conflict away from the kids.
• Dad, stay in the picture.
• Mom, deal with anger appropriately.
• Be a good parent.
• Manage your own mental health.
• Keep the people your children care about in their lives.
• Be thoughtful about your future love life.
• Pay your child support.

Couple Are Rarely In The Same “Place” Emotionally Regarding The End Of Their Marriage.

Like Susan Ingram, rarely, when I see a couple for our first mediation session, do I find they’re in the same “place” emotionally regarding the end of their marriage. That’s not surprising, when you think about it. The principal reason marriages fail is due to inadequate or faulty communication. This lack of communication only worsens as the chasm between the couple grows ever greater.

And I, as their mediator, need to bring a sensitivity about their “readiness disparity,” as well as a practical approach to moving the mediation process forward. By doing so, I can support each of them as they make the decisions necessary for establishing their future lives.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

The Dissipation of Marital Assets

Towards the end of the marriage — (during the period when the marital relationship has irrevocably broken down) — during this period, when one spouse uses marital assets for his or her sole benefit, these expenditures may constitute a dissipation of marital assets.

In this excellent blog posting, Rachel Alexander writes that dissipation must be evaluated based on the circumstances of each particular case. The analysis examines these factors:

• The proximity of the expenditure(s) to the time the marriage had originally broken down, when the parties separated, or when they commenced an action for divorce;
• Whether the expenditure in question was typical of other expenditures made by the party prior to the breakdown of the marriage;
• Whether the expenditure benefited the joint marital enterprise or benefited one spouse to the exclusion of the other;
• The necessity of the particular expenditure;
• The amount of the particular expenditure; and
• Whether the expenditure was made with the intent to diminish the other spouse’s share of the marital estate.

As Rachel does, in mediating a divorce, if dissipation is identified, I quantify with my clients the amount that was dissipated and determine how to redress the “harmed” spouse through other marital assets. We do not place blame or escalate the situation — together we address the injury by redistributing the assets to make the non-dissipating spouse whole. By handling the issue actively and simply, we relieve feelings of unfairness and move the process forward.

The Insanity of High Conflict Divorce

In this excellent blog posting, Elizabeth Esrey writes about "five insane but true facts about high conflict divorce."

• High Conflict Divorce is expensive - The costs of divorce varies depending the process you use. Mediation is the least expensive option, at a typical cost of $6,600. Collaborative law costs average $19,723 while full-scale divorce litigation average, $77,746.
• High Conflict Divorce is more susceptible to violence - It's sad but true. Family courts pit couples against each other - especially in high conflict divorce cases. There have even been documented casualties.
• High Conflict Divorce is best handled like Hostage Negotiations - Lt. Jack Cambria, a chief hostage negotiator for NYPD's elite hostage negotiation team, cited many similarities between High Conflict Divorce and Hostage Negotiation.
• High Conflict Divorce is better served through Mediation - Mediators help couples navigate the divorce process and reach agreements that are less expensive, more lasting and customized.
• High Conflict Divorce is a choice - By choosing mediation over litigation, you model dignity and privacy in your divorce. Even in "high conflict" divorces you can be heard, respected and resolute in avoiding the cost and dehumanization of high conflict divorce litigation.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

What A Court Can Do vs. What Should Happen

Unfortunately, many people end up feeling that the resolutions crafted by Judges are unfair, even when they "won" the case. The reason court solutions often feel unfair is because they are limited to the statutes and case law. Judges don't have unlimited discretion (or time) to find the best solution for a family. They have to find the solution that is least offensive within the boundaries of the law.

In this excellent blog posting, Justin Kelsey writes that when people choose an out-of-court settlement option, like mediation or collaborative negotiation, one of the advantages is that they don't have to accept the limitations of court crafted solutions. Mediation, Collaborative Law and other out-of-court settlement processes offer you the opportunity to consider more possibilities and not limit yourself. 

When you realize all the possibilities, court doesn't seem like much of a choice at all.