You Thought Your Marriage Was Miserable - Wait Till You Get to Court

The breakup of a marriage almost always involves some level of conflict between spouses, but the process of litigation during divorce ratchets that conflict up to a level of devastation for all members of the immediate and even extended family. Instead of getting away from the turmoil by divorcing, the adversarial nature of a legal “fight” can actually create permanent emotional and financial damage.

In this excellent podcast Marilyn Miller, a psychotherapist, Steve Schechter, a lawyer and mediator, and Melynda Gulley, at mediator discuss how parents can create an emotionally supportive divorce that promotes a healthy relationship between themselves and a loving future for their children.

Supporting the Reluctant Spouse in Pursuing a Healthy Divorce

Divorce often arises from persistent disagreement and fundamental differences in perspective between spouses.  Usually one spouse arrives at the conclusion to divorce, strongly in favor while the other experiences some reluctance.

To understand how to support a hesitant spouse, it's important to recognize what's driving their reluctance.  In this excellent blog posting Sharon Pastore writes about three potential causes of one spouse being reluctant to divorce: 1.) Ethical and moral reasons, 2.) Legal and financial tactics, and 3.) Fear and painful emotions.

Sharon offers several strategies to support the reluctant spouse in pursuing a healthy divorce:

• Work through Grief and Toward Acceptance
• Involve the Non-Reluctant Spouse
• Reassure and Empower

Coping with the Guilt of Divorce

Many caring parents I work with admit to feeling tremendous guilt about their divorce. It’s easy to understand why. Parents who are aware of the emotional toll a separation or divorce can take on their children feel torn about whether they made the right decision.

Divorce is never a black and white issue. Changing the form of a family unit doesn’t necessarily mean destroying the family or the love between parents and children. It all depends upon how you handle the challenges. Sometimes divorce is the wisest decision or the best direction to move in to provide stability and peace of mind to a family experiencing devastating emotional turmoil.

In this blog posting Rosalind Sedacca offers suggestions on coping with the guilt of divorce.

Shifting to See A Better Solution

In this blog posting Katherine Miller writes about in non-litigated divorces, such as collaborative law and mediation, parties are given the opportunity to look beneath and within their positions to understand them better, acknowledge how other people—including their estranged spouse—might see the problem and possibly shift enough to see a better solution. Instead of maintaining an inflexible position that may do them more harm than good, they collaborate with experienced divorce professionals who help them understand their situation better and through that understanding achieve the best outcomes.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

4 Things You Must Do to Protect Yourself From Going Bankrupt in a Divorce

In this blog posting Cheryl and Joe Dillon offer four tips for couples preparing for divorce.

• Don’t use the legal process as a weapon to try to get even with your spouse.  If you’re thinking of going this route, plan on bankrupting yourself financially and emotionally because you’ll spend up to $200,000 and waste two to three years of your life fighting this battle.
• Beware of coming to agreements with your spouse prematurely.  Given the financial complexities of divorce, there’s a lot you “won’t know you don’t know” so it’s important to take the time to do the proper discovery before you do any deciding.
• Don’t have unrealistic expectations of what you can get/what you’ll pay. Take time to learn the facts/realities.  Let a qualified professional give you some perspective and help you come to a fair and realistic settlement.
• Choose your divorce professional carefully.  Instead of hiring lawyers as your first step, try divorce mediation. In mediation, a trained neutral third party well-versed in the laws and financial matters of divorce will help you and your spouse negotiate directly with the goal of reaching a settlement you both find fair.

5 Tips for Choosing the Best Divorce Mediator

Choosing a divorce mediator is the first agreement divorcing spouses make together at the beginning of the divorce mediation process. It will be one of the most important decisions spouses reach during their divorce.

In divorce mediation, you will discuss issues that are personal, sensitive, and emotional. There will be times when you cover financial and legal issues. There will be times you communicate about important family issues. All the while, the divorce mediator you choose will guide you along the way.

In this excellent blog posting, Michael Aurit writes about five essential mediator qualities that spouses should consider before choosing a divorce mediator.

• TRUST - The most important consideration in choosing a family mediator is that you trust him or her to guide you through the process.  Your mediator should be someone you feel comfortable with as a person and as a professional.
• PRACTICE AREA THAT IS ONLY FAMILY MEDIATION - Verify that the mediator’s practice area is dedicated to divorce and family mediation.
• EDUCATION IN DISPUTE RESOLUTION AND MEDIATION - Ensure that your mediator has a substantial education in dispute resolution and continuing mediation training.
• INVOLVED IN THE MEDIATION PROFESSION - Does your mediator write a regular blog? Involvement in local and national organizations and associations is another indication that the mediator is invested in being at the top of their game.
• FLAT FEES OR HOURLY BILLING - The cost of the mediation process is always an important consideration.  An important cost questions relate to the predictability of your mediator’s fees. It is very important that you trust he or she will be accurate and fair with their time.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.