Saying Goodbye to the Courtroom

In this article from the Boston Globe, David A. Hoffman writes whey, after 31 years as a courtroom lawyer, he has decided to walk away from litigation.

"I have been mulling this decision for many years, primarily because of my disgruntlement — and my clients’ disgruntlement — over the costs, delays, and the sheer unpredictability of courtroom battle.

"It was not an easy decision. To be completely blunt, litigation is lucrative, even if it is sometimes ruinously expensive for clients.  But our society also needs peacemakers, and many lawyers are now turning to mediation and collaborative law as part of their practice. Mediation is now taught at almost every law school.

"And so, three months ago, I turned my back on courtroom battle and began pursuing peacemaking as my full-time job. Since that time, each of my cases — whether I am serving as a mediator or as a collaborative law attorney helping my clients settle their conflict — casts me in the role of a dispute resolver."

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

10 Things To Keep In Mind When Telling Your Kids About The Divorce

Telling your kids that you plan to divorce is not a conversation to be taken lightly. It’s one that marks a turning point in all of your lives.

For the sake of your children’s mental health, it’s important to be prepared. In this excellent blog posting, Carolin Lehmann offers some expert tips to help you share the news with your kids in the best way possible considering the circumstances. 

1. Watch your tone.
2. Let them know that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Use clear language.
4. Tell all the kids at the same time.
5. Give your kids advance notice before a parent moves out.
6. Consider timing.
7. Let them know you’ll both always be there.
8. Show a unified front.
9. Offer a sense of stability.
10. Don’t tell them you still love each other.

What Should We Tell the Children?

One of the most typical questions asked of me by parents who are beginning the divorce process is, “What should we tell the children and how should we tell them?” Most parents, understandably, feel awful in having to tell their children about their pending divorce and how all their lives are going to be permanently changed. Such a task can generate tremendous pangs of guilt, sadness, and anger. Moreover, parents want to protect their children from the emotional pain of divorce, and want to protect their children from viewing themselves as the cause of the divorce.

In this blog posting, Don Saposnek writes that if parents work together in their divorce, even if they weren’t able to work together in their marriage, the children will benefit. Even if the first wish of children of divorce (i.e. that Mom and Dad will get back together) can’t come true, their second wish (i.e. that Mom and Dad will cooperate with each other and not fight) can come true. That is up to you.

Are You Really Ready for Divorce?

Your marriage is in question and you're facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go. Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce.

In this blog posting, Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson write that most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.

For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally.

Unemployed Husbands, Not Financial Problems, Are Most Likely To Break Up Marriages

The biggest factor correlated with straight couples getting divorced is neither financial problems nor the division of domestic work: It is whether the man in the relationship is employed, a new Harvard University study shows.

In this blog posting James Dennis writes that researchers looked at more than 6,000 marriages stretching from 1968 to 2013, to see how gender dynamics have changed since women began entering the workforce in greater numbers.

The authors wrote: 

"...Wives' employment is not associated with the risk of divorce, while husbands' lack of full-time employment remains associated with marital instability ... changes in the gender structure may not have proceeded evenly for men and women; fulfillment of the male-breadwinner role appears to be equally or more strongly associated with marital stability."

In other words, the most influential variable increasing the likelihood of divorce was when the husband was out of a job, suggesting men have not socially adapted to the idea of not being a breadwinner.

Addressing the Best Interests of the Child in the Mediation Process

When devising solutions to parenting issues like custody and visitation, courts are guided by a variety of considerations, all under the heading of “best interests of the child.”

In this excellent blog posting, Sandy Balick writes that the courts approach the best-interests analysis seriously and struggle to do the right thing in a given situation. Yet, in reality, the child is a stranger to the court. A child’s personality must be conveyed through parental testimony and/or through the child’s own attorney. Divorcing spouses may have a limited ability to shape the ultimate parenting plan if the dispute resolution is left to the court’s efforts.

Disagreements over parenting arrangements are routine subjects for mediation, and except in the most entrenched cases, parents discover that their differences may be worked out in a variety of ways. The willingness of the parties to listen to one another and to engage in a way that is open to practical considerations allows these seemingly intractable issues get worked out. It is facilitated by the mediator’s skill in, among other things, breaking down the issues into component parts that are much easier to discuss and resolve.

9 Tips for Going Back to Work After a Divorce

Transitioning back into the workforce after a divorce is like a double whammy. Not only has your entire life just changed, from where you live to sharing child care responsibilities, to the loss of in-laws, and sometimes even friends.

In this blog posting, Anna Rabern offers some ideas to help you get started moving forward and go back to work after a divorce.

Don’t panic! It’s a candidate’s market right now. Companies are hiring, and with the right research and resume, you can easily position yourself to be back in the workforce sooner rather than later.

5 Crucial Insurance Changes After Divorce

Any major life change sends a ripple effect through your finances — especially a divorce. Insurance matters may seem trivial next to the emotional upheaval of ending a marriage. But minding the details now can prevent financial pain later.

Barbara Marquand looks at five insurance changes to address after a divorce:

• Life insurance,
• Disability insurance,
• Health insurance,
• Car insurance, and
• Home insurance.

Insurance matters can be complicated in the best of times, let alone when you divorce. Keep in touch with your insurance company to make sure all the details are squared away.

Divorce Mediation Can Help When a Spouse is Holding Out Hope of Reconciliation

Like Roseann Vanella, I often encounter spouses who are at very different emotional stages in the divorce process. For example, one spouse may have come to the realization many months ago that the marriage is effectively over, while the other may still be holding out hope of reconciliation.

Divorce is especially hard on the spouse who does not want to let go of the marriage. Often, they feel like a helpless victim who has suddenly lost control of their future. When the couple comes in for divorce mediation, this spouse is typically very resistant at first to the entire process.  In such cases, I typically advise the spouses that if all other avenues have been exhausted and one party insists on divorce, sooner or later the other party will need to accept this reality. Throughout the divorce mediation process, the resisting spouse is often able to come to accept the divorce, and we are able to work out an equitable solution.

As a divorce mediator, it is my job to try to soften this harsh reality and help my clients reach an amicable settlement, so they can pick up the pieces and move forward with their lives.