Giving Your Children the Gift of Peace for the Holidays

The holidays are stressful for families.  For families that have the additional challenge of recent divorce or separation, the first holiday season can be very difficult to navigate—there can, and probably will be, significant differences from what the children, and their parents, are used to (especially if the holidays are not celebrated together).

In this blog posting, Jeffrey Zimmerman writes that it will help to approach the holidays from your role as parents (rather than as former spouses) and explore the following question: “How can we truly give our children peace and love for the holidays?”

Part of ensuring that children experience ease around the holidays is to provide information and structure as opposed to a no-win situation that results from asking them to choose between their parents.  By structuring the holidays the child can feel that there is not uncertainty and hostility.

In addition to scheduling, parents can also coordinate gift giving by communicating with one another in advance, or jointly giving larger presents. This type of coordination communicates cooperation, gratitude, and peace to the children—rather than conflict.

Giving peace also means not being in conflict with each other about how the holidays will be celebrated. Children often know when their parents are at odds. They feel the tension and see the look on your face when there is any conflict—and they often feel that they are at the center of it.

Holidays can become hostile and conflictual unless parents consciously and deliberately make choices that result in peaceful and loving interactions and experiences.

Cooperative Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting

There are two basic concepts that describe the way in which parents raise their children following a divorce. These approaches are significantly different, and in fact, are at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum. One approach is referred to as Cooperative Parenting and the other as Parallel Parenting.

As Susan Ingram writes the determination of which approach will work best for a couple is based upon the specific personalities and circumstances of each family. As a basic guideline, the first thing that needs to be assessed is how well the parents are able to get along and communicate with each other.

Cooperative Parenting (also referred to as Co-Parenting)

This approach is best for parents who basically are able to get along with each other and have a consistent view of how they want to raise their children. Often these parents will already have similar parenting styles and routines. This doesn’t mean they have to be on the same page with everything. It just means that, overall, they cooperate with each other.

The communication between these parents generally flows well. They’re able to have conversations about their children and not become overly heated about them. They can also be flexible and accommodate a change to the schedule that might be requested by the other parent. They “work together” for the benefit of their children.

Parallel Parenting

This approach is best for high conflict couples. These parents find it difficult to speak with each other without becoming engulfed in antagonistic and non-productive conversations. Yet they each want to have an ongoing relationship with their children.

Because of the continuing high level of conflict between them, these parents need to have less direct contact with each other. Their parenting plans need to be structured so as to be even more specific and detail-oriented than the plans for co-parenting couples.

Same-Sex Divorce Complications

Two years after the U.S. Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriages, some couples who decide to call it quits are discovering that getting married was the easy part.

From divvying up assets to asserting parental rights, this CNBC blog posting talks about how the details of divorce that can be more clear-cut with heterosexual marriages are creating complications for same-sex couples.

The landmark ruling also delivered marital legal protections afforded to heterosexual marriages, including rights related to medical decisions, certain tax benefits and access to employee benefits.

Divorce is more complicated. The biggest sticking point often relates to when the marriage began, which can dictate how assets are divided and whether a spouse receives alimony (also known as spousal support). Generally, the longer any marriage has lasted, the more weight it carries when judges are determining how to award a lower-earning or no-earning spouse a percentage of assets and/or alimony.

The same complications arise in child custody issues. Often, whether a child was adopted or born to one of the parties, only one person in the relationship has legal parental rights even if both are raising the child. And when the couple goes to divorce, that lack of rights can stand in the way of the nonlegal parent continuing a relationship with the child.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

College Strategies for Divorced Families

When the college-age children of divorced families begin their journey out of the nest and onto the quad, the best gift to give them is the peace of mind that comes in knowing their foundation is still there. The last thing they want—as they’re preparing for their SATs, ACTs and writing their essays—is to worry about the conflict between mom and dad regarding which colleges they can think about, because mom and dad have not come to an agreement in advance.

In this blog post, Lauren Behrman examines four of the most important issues to take into account for divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) families sending a child off to school:

• Timing,
• Choice of school,
• Visiting schools, and
• Financing

Preventing the differences between you and your co-parent from spilling out on college planning, school tours, or discussion about finances will help ensure that your child’s college process, and anticipating this transition, will be smooth and unburdened by parental conflict. In the end, this will empower your child to enjoy that new freedom, explore exciting new academic challenges, meet amazing people, and make you proud.

The Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce

I agree wholeheartedly with Robert Emory that divorced parents still must fulfill their responsibilities to their kids, and children should have rights in divorced families.

In this excellent blog posting Robert offers his "Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce." If you can give your children these freedoms, you will have gone a long way toward filling your responsibilities as a parent. 

 

Every child whose parents divorce has:

• The right to love and be loved by both of your parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
• The right to be protected from your parents’ anger with each other.
• The right to be kept out of the middle of your parents’ conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
• The right not to have to choose one of your parents over the other.
• The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of your parents’ emotional problems.
• The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect your life; for example, when one of your parents is going to move or get remarried.
• The right to reasonable financial support during your childhood and through your college years.
• The right to have feelings, to express your feelings, and to have both parents listen to how you feel.
• The right to have a life that is a close as possible to what it would have been if your parents stayed together.
• The right to be a kid.

What Should We Tell the Children?

One of the most typical questions asked of me by parents who are beginning the divorce process is, “What should we tell the children and how should we tell them?” Most parents, understandably, feel awful in having to tell their children about their pending divorce and how all their lives are going to be permanently changed. Such a task can generate tremendous pangs of guilt, sadness, and anger. Moreover, parents want to protect their children from the emotional pain of divorce, and want to protect their children from viewing themselves as the cause of the divorce.

In this excellent blog posting, Donald Saposnek offers these suggestions for how to tell children of an impending divorce:

• Tell your children the truth about the separation and divorce in advance, whenever possible.
• Both parents together should tell the children. If there is more than one child, it is generally better to tell the siblings together. This optimizes the support they will feel from each other and from the family meeting together to discuss this important news. The discussion should take place at a time that is distraction-free and at a place, such as home, that is familiar and comfortable.
• Use words that are addressed to the specific developmental level of your child or to each of your children’s level of understanding. Talk to young children more slowly and with simple words and simple phrases. Talk to older children and adolescents in more adult ways.
• Set aside enough time to answer any questions that the children may have about what is going to happen after the separation. Do not tell them right before you have a business meeting, a phone conference call, a hair appointment, or a soccer practice. Allow several hours of unplanned time after this discussion.

If parents work together in their divorce, even if they weren’t able to work together in their marriage, the children will benefit. Remember that even if the first wish of children of divorce (i.e. that Mom and Dad will get back together) can’t come true, their second wish (i.e. that Mom and Dad will cooperate with each other and not fight) can come true. That is up to you. Please make it happen, for the sake of your children. Begin with developing a mutual story of your divorce.

5 Financial Tips for a Smooth(er) Divorce

Divorce is stressful for numerous reasons, but one of the most palpable pain points has to do with finances. Whether you’re currently going through a divorce or have just completed the process, it’s imperative that you give your finances some careful attention.

When you marry someone, your lives naturally become intertwined – relationally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and financially. And while it can take months or years to unravel each of these tangles and move on, the financial ramifications can last for decades. If you aren’t careful and fail to make smart, calculated decisions, you could end up setting yourself back.

In this article, Jennifer Gretson offers 5 practical tips:

• Pursue Divorce Mediation
• Create a Post-Divorce Budget
• Close Joint Accounts
• Update Beneficiaries on Accounts
• Closely Monitor Your Credit Report

Establishing the Mediation Environment So the Participants Feel Safe and Supported.

As a mediator, a critical part of my job is to establish the framework and ground rules so that the necessary conversations can take place and move along, ultimately to resolution.

In this blog posting, Susan Ingram writes about establishing the essential foundation for a successful mediation.

• Facilitating conversation
• Problem-solving
• Protecting against power imbalances
• Setting the pace
• Safekeeping the space

If I have done my job well, the couple doesn’t necessarily realize all of the behind-the-scenes effort put into ensuring that the process runs smoothly.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Is Mediation a Good Idea for Your Divorce?

Divorces can be brutal. Even if you and your spouse are trying to end things reasonably, you may still need to go through months of lengthy courtroom procedures, and face rapidly escalating legal fees from your consulting attorneys.

There is, however, a potential alternative option. If you and your spouse are amicable to one another, you could pursue mediation—but is it really a good idea, or is it just a manifestation of wishful thinking?

In this blog posting Awais Ahmed writes that the potential value of mediation far outweighs the potential costs of its failure. Unless mediation is completely off the table as an option, it’s worth considering. The first step in mediation is working with your spouse to establish a framework for discussion and prepare to talk openly about how to split your assets and/or custody. Mediation may not be fun—but it’s much better than subjecting yourself to weeks of lengthy court battles.

Divorced? 4 Valuable Life Lessons to Master Now

The aftermath of divorce can be a sense of self-discovery or internment in a self-made prison of depression and resentment. It’s all about our acceptance of what is and determination to use the divorce as a pathway to a new and better life. The good news: it’s all up to us. We can create an attitude of positive expectation or we can subjugate ourselves to months and years of self-pity and despair down the road. The bad news: it’s not always easy to change our attitude or perspective on life. But if you do, you’ll be rewarded with a happier future for yourself as well as your children.

In this blog posting Rosalind Sedacca offers four vital steps to embracing your divorce as a catalyst to a brighter future.

• Boost your self-esteem.
• Use divorce as a lesson in self-awareness.
• Forgive yourself as well as your Ex.
• Re-explore your expectations about healthy relationships.

How to Take Charge of Your Divorce Process

Your spouse just demanded a divorce. What is the first thing you should do in the divorce process? The knee-jerk reaction for most people is to call a lawyer. In most cases, that is not the best answer.

In this article, Virginia Colin writes the first thing to do is manage your own emotions. If you are angry, be angry, but be careful not to let your anger contribute to a hostile, scary environment for your kids to live in.

Next, educate yourself. Learning about your options for what comes next may have a calming effect as you discover that you can have some control over what happens.

If you just hire a lawyer to handle everything for you, everything is likely to take a long time, and you are likely to spend a huge amount of money to get divorced. If you and your spouse work with a professional family mediator, you can probably settle everything much faster at much lower emotional and financial costs. Your divorce is part of your life. You will feel better if you take charge of it.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

How to Keep Your Kids Stable When a Marriage Falls Apart

One of the most common questions I am asked when working with families in transition is, “Will my children be OK?” The simple answer to this question is that children will be as “OK” as their parents are. Given that recent statistics reflect 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, it is understandable that parents want to insulate their children from the associated pain.

In this blog posting, Melissa Sulkowski writes that children look to their parents to figure out how to make sense of what is happening. They become reliant on their parents’ abilities to meet their needs, and this does not change because of a divorce. These circumstances should be managed in the same way the loss of oxygen would be on a plane. Put on your oxygen mask before securing your child’s.

So how do parents provide peace, security and predictability to their children when they are in limbo? Developing a healthy support system and ensuring good self-care are primary ingredients. Schedule something every week for yourself. Even if you don’t have a plan for the time, take the time. Transition is a time of healing.

4 Questions to Determine if Mediation is Right for You

The decision to divorce initiates a series of many challenging and difficult decisions, often starting with: What do I do now? What are the right questions to ask? Is divorce mediation right for me?

In this blog posting, Katherine Miller offers four yes/no questions as a guide for determining if the mediation process is the right fit given an individual’s desires, abilities, and family circumstances.

1. Do you think you know what is best for your family, or can you recognize it if you see it?
2. Are you willing to make your own decisions about your future.
3. Are you capable of understanding the financial information and the implications of various financial options if they’re explained to you?
4. Can you, and do you want to, speak up for yourself in the presence of your spouse with the assistance of the mediator?

Nesting - Will It Work For You?

Nesting is a shared parenting concept that allows the children to stay in the marital home while the parents go back and forth. The idea is that the children will be able to remain in one familiar place, have no concerns about where they are on what day or what they need to take with them. Typically, parents who choose this will be sharing time in the home with the children on an equal basis.

In this blog posting Clare Piro offers a number of issues to consider including long term or short term, cost, lack of privacy, significant other, working together, and reassessment.

If You Have Children You Will Be A Family Forever

Even though you may be divorcing, you are always going to be a family for your children.

If all goes according to plan, your future could include grandparenthood together. In the routine course of your children’s lives, there will be special moments (and probably some scary moments) that you’ll share with your parenting partner, including but not limited to: bar mitzvahs, confirmations or first communions, little league games, graduations, and perhaps the occasional wisdom tooth extraction or ER visit.

These special moments create indelible memories of childhood, and your children have a front row seat to the Mommy and Daddy Show. They hear not only what you say to each other, but watch (with eagle eyes) how you treat each other. That is why you owe your children nothing less than paying attention, at all times, not only to what you say to your parenting partner, but also how you say it, especially when your children are watching. Whether you know it or not, they are keen observers, and are constantly “taking notes.”

In this blog posting, Lauren Behrman writes that there are some words and body language that almost reek of disregard, and it would be a gift to your children if you eliminate these from your vocabulary and repertoire.

What Story Do You Want Your Child To Tell About Your Divorce?

We all know that divorce is hard on kids. My clients truly worry about their children and want to put their children first. But it can be really hard to do that. When we feel threatened ourselves—at risk, angry and scared—it can be really hard to keep ourselves, as parents, out of the emotional fray and remember our priorities.

In this blog posting, Katherine Miller writes about asking her clients to write a story they would like their children to tell about their parents’ divorce:

"If this was very successful, and you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse were to get through a divorce in a way that minimized the difficulty and pain for your children, and supported them in the best way you possibly could, what would they say about your divorce? What would they say about your personal actions? What would you want that to be?"

These are hard questions. Oftentimes, what our clients would want their children to say about them, individually and as parents together is not what is actually happening.

Changes in the 2017 MA Child Support Guidelines - Part 2

Every four years the Child Support Guidelines in Massachusetts are updated by a Task Force appointed by the Chief Justice of the Trial Court.  In 2013 the Guidelines were updated and significant changes were made to the formula and to the parenting time language.  The Guidelines have been updated again for 2017, and the new guidelines took effect on September 15, 2017.

In part 1 of this blog posting I wrote about the changes with respect to parenting time.

The 2017 guidelines also offered a new formula for children between 18 and 23.

The 2013 guidelines indicated that the formula was not presumptive once a child turned 18, though the statute still allowed for support to be ordered. This left a lot of room for deviation and in many cases resulted in simply a continuation of support at the same amount. The 2017 guidelines require a 25% reduction in the amount of support attributable to a child over age 18. This means that there is a presumptive amount of support owed for children over 18, up until age 23, though the court still has discretion to deviate, and the emancipation factors still apply.

When there are multiple children Table B on the Worksheet indicates how the total percentage is reduced, since only the portion attributable to the adult child should be affected.

This change will certainly lead to numerous modification requests by parents, and I am hopeful that many of them will consider using mediation and filing Joint Petitions for Modification rather than litigating these issues which should be pretty straightforward under the new guidelines.

Changes in the 2017 MA Child Support Guidelines - Part 1

Every four years the Child Support Guidelines in Massachusetts are updated by a Task Force appointed by the Chief Justice of the Trial Court.  In 2013 the Guidelines were updated and significant changes were made to the formula and to the parenting time language.  The Guidelines have been updated again for 2017, and the new guidelines took effect on September 15, 2017.

In 2009, the Massachusetts Child Support Guidelines added language acknowledging the increase in shared parenting by specifically defining how the Court should calculate child support differently when parents share parenting time "equally, or approximately equally."

However, the 2009 Guidelines still left questions as to how to handle cases that didn't fit a one-third or equal parenting time.  The 2013 Guidelines made an effort to clarify these two issues, though arguably the result was still quite vague.  The 2013 Task Force added language allowing the court to consider a deviation upwards when the payor had less than 1/3 of the time, and added an averaging calculation for cases where parenting time was in between 33 and 50% of the time.  The average category in particular was highly criticized for increasing litigation over small amounts of parenting time.

The 2017 Task Force, recognizing these issues deleted the in-between category, and clarified the deviation factor by adding a principle to guide Judges in their determinations:

"recognizing that deviations should be used when appropriate to tailor a child support order to the unique circumstances of a particular family."

While the 2017 Task Force has highlighted the importance of the appropriate use of discretion this only increases the uncertainty that parties have when going in front of a Judge, and this remains a strong argument for self-determination and the use of out-of-court settlement options, such as mediation, whenever possible.

Steps to an Empowering Divorce

Divorce is usually overwhelming, uncertain, and confusing. If not handled well the divorce process can be a recipe for disaster. How you handle your divorce will impact not only you, your spouse and children, but also your community of friends and family. By taking positive steps you can navigate the divorce in a way that supports and empowers you.

In this blog posting Debra Synovec offers some recommendations to lead you to the finish line and to a healthier divorce.

• Slow down and breathe
• Exercise a businesslike approach
• Research process options
• Be educated about your finances
• Realize you are in charge
• Define goals and objectives
• Take good care of yourself
• Do not blame
• Build confidence
• Be responsible

Why Choose Mediation Over Litigation?

“I am going to take you to court!”

Not so fast. Though going to court can be the answer you need to reach a divorce settlement, it is not the only answer. Despite how advantageous litigating your case may seem, going to trial should be considered a last resort after you have resolved all other alternatives. And there are alternatives, some of which are more effective than others.

In this article Vikki Zeigler writes why the alternative dispute resolution she prefers most is mediation. Mediation takes place outside the courtroom. A neutral third party called a mediator listens to both sides and makes suggestions as to how the divorcing couple can find a solid middle ground. The mediator is familiar with issues relating to divorce and skilled at coming up with creative solutions which will lead a disputing couple to an agreement.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Family Mediation: The Best Practice for Parents And Their Children When The Marriage Is Over

What do people in business do when they’re facing a crisis? They ask, “What’s the best practice to follow in a situation like this? What do successful companies do?”

As Howard Irving writes, our society would benefit greatly if divorcing parents could be convinced to ask, “What’s the best practice now that our marriage is over? What have others done in our situation? What dangers should we avoid? What path should we take?”

Of course a marriage is not a business. Its end is more often marked by regret, anger, and revenge than by the ability to ask wise, logical questions. However, we in the West have had enough experience with divorce to know that there definitely is a best practice for divorcing parents to follow.

It’s called mediation, a voluntary process with an impartial third party, a family mediator. The mediator helps couples identify, clarify, and come to an agreement on the major issues between the parents for the sake of the children. Each parent retains a lawyer during this process, but the goal of everyone involved is to avoid the emotional and financial costs of pursuing divorce through the adversary court system.

Attorneys at the Mediation Table?

Like Rachel Alexander, generally, in my practice, divorce mediations are intimate, including only the parties and the mediator. This often adds to the sense of confidentiality and privacy. It works well for many clients who want to speak candidly about difficult issues in a safe, unbiased environment.

Sometimes, however, for a multitude of reasons, clients wish to include their attorneys in sessions. A client may feel that by having his attorney present, his rights are better protected or that a power imbalance between the parties is being equalized.

While there are indisputable benefits to including attorneys throughout the process, there are some downsides of which clients should be mindful. When litigation attorneys, unfriendly to and/or untrained in mediation, enter the process, the mediation can morph into a mini litigation.

Conversely, a mediator is trained to look at the whole family and the fallout of an acrimonious, imbalanced settlement. The attorney, in his zealous advocacy, might focus on micro “wins” rather than the macro, long-term big win: a post-divorce functional family and a settlement agreement that will actually be adhered to by both parties. The mediator works from a fundamental, guiding principle that any sustainable solution must include the interests of both parties affected by its terms. If one member of the family “loses,” no family member can escape the ramifications over time.

4 Important Things to Do Before You Say ‘I Don’t’

I find there is an interesting dynamic to being a divorce mediator.  While, as a businessman, I want new clients, I am always sorry a couple has found themselves in my office as it usually represents the end of a dream they shared together.

In this blog posting, Vicki Shemin offers, even if you have been long feeling that your marriage is a hopeless and lost cause, several worthwhile options to explore before divorcing.
 

MEDIATION TO STAY MARRIED

“Mediation to Stay Married” is a fantastic, albeit underused, option for those at the crossroads of remaining married/getting divorced. The process involves engaging the services of a skilled neutral to identify each spouse’s goals and to drill down and explore “what it would take” for you and your spouse to recommit to the relationship. 

POSTNUPTIAL AGREEMENTS

While many are familiar with the term Prenuptial Agreement (a contract entered into prior to a marriage that sets forth specific terms that will govern the relationship in the event of divorce and/or death), the less commonly known Postnuptial Agreement contract is another mechanism for attempting to resolve some of the conflicts that have led to the breakdown of the marriage.

TRIAL SEPARATIONS

Just like no one could really have prepared you for the realities of marriage or having your first child, so nothing can really give you a preview as to what is in store should you and your spouse move forward with divorce. Couples who opt for a trial separation learn a great deal about themselves and each other and are given the opportunity to examine in more realistic detail whether this is what they truly want as a next step in their futures.

EXIT COUNSELING

“Exit Counseling” can best be described as couples counseling devoted to preparing to end the marriage. It is a respectful process that gives couples time and space to work through the myriad of details attendant to moving from the status of marriage to the state of separation; it provides a safe place to say good-bye to—and start to grieve the loss of—the relationship; and it provides a template for how couples can begin to interact in the coming weeks and months ahead.

"We Disagree About EVERYTHING!"

Like Jennifer Safian, on more than a few occasions I've had couples say to me during their free consultation, "We disagree about everything!"

However, as the mediation process evolved, they let their defenses down and somehow were able to come to decisions together without too much apparent conflict. Did they have to compromise? Of course they did, as many people often do when they have divergent opinions but want to find a solution. In the end, they were quite surprised and admitted that they never thought they would agree on so many issues.

The mediation process sometimes does wonders for people. It helps them find common ground upon which to start building an agreement. If both parties come in with the goal of getting things resolved, they usually do.

Don’t let the perception of total disagreement become the reality. Rather, accept the fact that even if you don’t see eye-to-eye, you may actually find ways to resolve things in a way that is satisfactory to all.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Discussing Divorce with Your Spouse

Like Susan Ingram, often, when someone first calls me to discuss the possibility of divorce mediation, they will mention that they have not yet brought up the subject with their spouse. The caller (the initiating spouse) typically describes a marriage that has not been good for some time; the marriage no longer works for him or her and it needs to come to an end.

As Susan writes, even though the non-initiating spouse may be just as miserable in the marriage, he or she may not have thought through the next step (divorce) to the same extent as the initiating spouse. Thus, they may well be at different stages in coming to terms with their failed marriage.

Obviously, this is a difficult situation, and one that needs to be handled sensitively yet pragmatically. And it’s likely, since this is the first serious discussion on this subject, that the other spouse will either be defensive or aggressive in responding.

Susan suggests the following guidelines:

• Don't defend yourself,
• Don't try to persuade,
• Don't negotiate,
• Establish the next steps.

Instead of Litigating, Mediate

You are in conflict with your former partner. You see a family lawyer who tells you s/he can be of assistance. The lawyer offers to send a letter of introduction to your former partner or their lawyer and in so doing, sets the tone for the process of settlement.  Before you know it, the parties are at an impasse and the matter is brought to court for resolution.  You are in litigation.

As Gary Direnfeld writes, this is the predictable path when hiring a lawyer whose primary training is in litigation. This is what they are trained to do.  With litigation, while you may seem satisfied with the outcome, it runs the risk of coming at great expense financially and socially.

Mediation will require you to take ownership in the process and work under the guidance of professionals as you determine the outcome with your former partner.  In mediation the professionals will endeavor to keep matters safe and civil. They will seek to help you determine an agreement you can both live with while appreciating that more reasonable the process, the faster it can proceed.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

How to Prepare for Divorce Mediation

If you are preparing for divorce mediation, on some levels you have already won when it comes to your divorce. You both have won, especially if you have children, because while you and your spouse may not agree on many things and may be facing one of the most challenging times in your lives, you both have made the proactive choice to avoid the unnecessary devastation of a court battle in litigation. And, if you are reading this, it means that you are approaching divorce mediation thoughtfully and seriously.

In this blog posting, Michael Aurit offers a few tips about how to prepare for divorce mediation

• Find the best divorce mediator
• Organize your financial information
• Think about your interests, not your positions
• Have “protecting the health and well-being of your children” as your #1 goal
• Take care of yourself

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Five Lessons for a Successful Mediation

In this blog posting, Ada Hasloecher offers five lessons that have held her clients in good stead during their mediations:

• Don’t denigrate your opponent
• Take responsibility and ownership of your actions
• Pick your battles
• Not every battle is a war
• Compromise is NOT a dirty word

Untangling Lives: The Divorce Mediation Process

Divorce mediation, as opposed to a contested divorce (in which each spouse hires an attorney and fights it out through the court system), is often a better choice for couples. When a couple decides to divorce, they need to begin the process of “disentangling” from each other. They can either approach this task in a humane and constructive way (which mediation supports), or they can let it degenerate into increased anger and animosity (which litigation often results in).

In this blog posting, Susan Ingram writes that mediation provides an approach and structure that supports this untangling of the couple’s life in a “kinder” and more efficacious manner. Ultimately, the results are much better for the couple, and if they have children, for their kids.

In mediation, the couple, with the help of their mediator, discusses all issues together. And both of them ultimately make all decisions. In litigation, the opposite is true—their lawyers take over the negotiation process, and important decisions end up being made by their lawyers and the judge.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

7 Practical Steps to a Strong Financial Future After Divorce

In this blog posting Sandra Banks offers seven practical steps to a strong financial future after divorce. These include:

• Consult a certified financial planner.
• Consult a Certified Public Accountant/Enrolled Agent.
• Separate your accounts.
• Manage your credit score.
• Update your will and beneficiaries.
• Review you retirement accounts and life insurance policies.
• Review and change your insurance coverage.
• Save.

Reverse Mortgages and "Grey Divorce"

While divorces at any age create financial issues, older folks face unique challenges stemming from their shorter timelines.  That’s especially true in the case of home ownership. In a typical divorce spouses generally have three options for dealing with the former marital house: sell it, own it jointly, or buy out the other spouse.

The second option, though, generally only works for younger couples with school-aged children; older people with grown kids have no reason to own a house together if they don’t even want to live together anymore.  A reverse mortgage, then, can help one spouse buy the other out — and, in the case of the Home Equity Conversion Mortgage program, allow the departing spouse to buy a new property.

In this article, Alex Spanko writes, a lump-sum HECM could be useful to split the home-equity wealth equally between the parties, while a reverse mortgage line of credit could be beneficial for the spouse who remains in the house. The answer all depends on the people’s individual goals, and defining those desires is an important part of the divorce process.

3 Signs You’re Ready For A Divorce

Is it ever right to consider divorce, especially if you’re a parent? Of course, divorce should be avoided whenever possible. It’s not a solution to marital problems. More like an escape hatch – with no guarantee of a happy ending.

In this blog posting Rosalind Sedacca offers three signs that divorce might be the best option for a couple, especially if they are parents. These include:

• Irreconcilable Disrespect
• Dramatic Parenting Conflicts
• Emotional, Verbal or Physical Abuse

You owe it to yourself and your spouse to do everything you can to resolve marital conflict before deciding to divorce. Once you’ve explored all avenues, then you can close the door on your marriage knowing there is no unfinished business left behind.

Need Help Getting Your Spouse to Mediation?

Like Eileen Coen, I've received many phone calls from people seeking an uncontested divorce, but don’t know how to get their spouse to participate in mediation.

In this excellent blog posting, Eileen offers 7 common objections to mediation - and responses that may help bring your spouse to the negotiating table.

• I don’t want the divorce, so why should I mediate?
• I don’t want therapy.
• We can barely talk to one another let alone reach agreements.
• I need someone who will protect my rights.
• Our finances are too complex for mediation.
• I’m afraid that you’ll hide assets.
• My lawyer told me not to.

The fact is that it’s possible to obtain a divorce in Massachusetts even if one spouse wants to stay married. If you’re not the one who wants the divorce, mediation will give you a chance to process the impact of separating, gain clarity about your needs going forward and give you some control over the outcome. Developing a mutual plan for physical separation, managing finances and parenting -  even temporarily - can be reassuring at a vulnerable time.

Mediation, Collaboration Or Divorce Court — Which One Is Right For YOU?

Once you get past the difficult decision of deciding to divorce, you're faced with another daunting question: how should you go about getting your divorce?

Do you go through the courts like most people, allowing the judge to make orders or the lawyers to bully you into a settlement you don’t know if you want? Do you go through a private mediator? Or is a collaborative divorce the way to go?

In this video, Katherine Miller — a family law attorney who’s chosen to focus her practice solely on mediation and collaborative divorce — breaks down the difference between these confusing options to help you find what's right for you.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Why is Mediation Often the Best Choice for Divorcing Couples?

There are many reasons for couples to choose to mediate their divorce as opposed to proceeding with a contested/litigated process. In this blog posting Susan Ingram discussed the top 9 reasons why divorce mediation is typically the best choice:

• Expense
• Time
• Voluntary
• Confidential
• Decision-making
• High Conflict
• Collaboration
• Communication
• Children

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.