There are 5 common misbeliefs about mediation that may be preventing divorcing people from accessing this cost-effective, humanistic approach to divorce. Let’s clear those up now!

Misconception 1: People Have to Have an Amicable Relationship in Order to Mediate

Fact: A skilled mediator can work with high-conflict clients who neither agree nor get along. All that is required of the parties is a shared willingness and commitment to mediate. This may simply rest upon a shared appreciation that mediation is the best, most cost-effective way of handling a divorce.

Divorce can be terribly unpleasant, sticky and adversarial in the best of situations. But it is not the parties’ job to fix or figure out their communication or their relationship prior to coming to mediation.

Misconception 2: Only Parties Who Have Already Made an Agreement Can Come to Mediation

In fact, the opposite is true. It is best if parties come to mediation first before attempting to hammer things out themselves, as in this inchoate phase they are without the guidelines of correct, legal information. Agreements cobbled together by parties uninformed of the law or their basic rights and obligations often must be unwound during the initial hours of mediation. The mediator often has to take significant time disabusing clients of the erroneous premises upon which their agreement was based and more time still to help the parties loosen their grips on that to which they have innocently, inaccurately agreed.

Misconception 3: Mediation Is Only Good for Parties Without Children

In fact, for parents focused on their children’s wellbeing during and after divorce, mediation is the best approach. Mediation is both client and family-centered. In mediation, clients explore ways of healing and stabilizing the family unit as well as attending to the attachment and developmental needs of their children.

Where litigation dysregulates and segregates the family members, mediation unifies and repairs.

Parents who mediate set a living example of grown-up, self-determined conflict resolution for their kids. All issues from parenting plans, custody arrangements, child support, extra-curricular activities, college funding, and pick ups and drop offs are addressed in mediation. With both parents contributing, the result is an informed, detailed parenting agreement, sensitive to the specific strengths and needs of each child concerned.

Misconception 4: Mediation Is Only Good for Parties Without Complicated Assets

Complex assets may include such things as unvested stock options, closely held businesses, foreign assets, commercial real estate, and assets that are only partially marital in nature. Complicated assets can be dealt with in the mediation context more judiciously than in litigation.

In mediation, when an expert is required to value a business, for example, the parties may elect to use a joint expert, thereby limiting costs of “dueling experts” (i.e. multiple experts in disagreement).

Clients may elect to use an expert in a limited way, for example, having the expert produce an informal analysis, rather than the prescribed report that the court would require. This can still provide adequate information for the clients to rely upon while shaving off thousands of dollars and significant man-hours required for a more formal report. The expert can work with the parties and mediator to interpret her findings, which may help clients make decisions accordingly.

There are occasions when parties may elect to forgo valuations altogether in favor of bypassing the valuation process and stipulating to a value they each deem equitable under the circumstances. While this is not recommended (because it leaves the asset’s value undetermined), mediation honors the clients’ rights to make informed, individual decisions, and waiving their right to valuation is among their rights to waive.

Misconception 5: Even With Mediation, You Will Still Need to Spend a Fortune on Attorneys

When parties mediate, they dramatically limit the necessity of using separate attorneys. Most mediation clients will use attorneys to consult with periodically during the process and to review the final agreement drafted by the mediator. There are neither limitations nor mandates to use outside attorneys. As mediation is founded upon the client’s right to self-determination, the choice as to how to utilize outside counsel is ultimately at the discretion of each client. In the transparent, supportive mediation environment, use of outside counsel is discussed and recommendations are made.

Mediation is a great venue for resolving complex, simple, hostile, amicable — every sort of conflict — provided there are two willing participants. Parties need not to agree on a single thing other than this: Mediation is the way to proceed. This is essentially the one agreement from which all others flow. 

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

I Confess - I Often Want to Hug My Clients

When new clients come through my door looking distraught, I must confess – –

I want to give them a hug.

When clients come for follow up meetings, I must confess – –

I want to give them a hug.

When the process is over, I must confess – –

I really want to give them a hug.

Yes, I want to give them a hug, but this is not something we usually do as professionals. I have to admit, however, that often I would like to reach out and hug them and say, “I know it hurts but you will see, it’s going to be all right.”

The moment I open my door, I can sense:

• Sadness and anger
• Fear and courage
• Anxiety and decisiveness

A combination of some or all of these is often in the air.

Some people are impatient to get it all over with NOW, and some cannot even imagine taking the steps that will lead them to a place where they don’t want to be: “Separated” or “Divorced.” Some are not able to even say the “D” word, and yet, while a part of them may still hold a glimmer of hope, somehow they know that divorce is inevitable.

How do I work with a couple where all these different feelings are present? What is my role besides helping them work out issues such as parenting, child and spousal support, and division of their property?

I do my best to listen to them, understand them, empathize and support them while still being the professional that I need to be.

I try to keep them both within my frame of support so they know that I am there for both, but at times I do speak to one party and then to the other, but with the other one present. Is it easier to address both at once? Maybe, but sometimes one needs to address them individually.

Rest assured, I am not siding with anyone. I have no reason to side with anyone, and truly I don’t want to side with anyone. I am not here to judge, to condemn, or even to give advice. I am here to facilitate the dialogue between the parties. From my perspective, no one is right or wrong, they are just two human beings who were unable to make it work. Maybe they made mistakes in their struggles, maybe their mistakes offended the other party, maybe they were irresponsible for a moment? Who am I to judge?

Faced with one of the biggest transitions of their lives, I know that they may be struggling emotionally to keep afloat, and maintain their dignity while trying to separate. They know that they will have to accept that their marriage did not work out as they both had hoped when they said “I do.”

This is not an easy thing to accept, so for that, if for no other reason, I want to give them a hug.

50/50 Parenting Time: Is This What’s Best for Children?

In recent years, there has been a definite shift toward parents wanting to have equal parenting time with their children after a divorce. In fact, many states have already adopted co-parenting as the default arrangement in child custody cases, putting the burden of proof on either party to show that this arrangement is not in the best interests of the child. While 50/50 parenting may sound great in theory – the children get to be with both parents for an equal amount of time during the year – in practice, it may not always be the best arrangement for the parties involved.

Equal parenting is a wonderful concept, and proponents of this arrangement are well-intentioned. The idea behind it is that kids are always better off when both parents are heavily involved in their lives. And 50/50 parenting seeks to replicate, as much as possible, what it would have been like for the children had the parents stayed together.

There are unintended consequences of the co-parenting arrangement, however, and careful consideration needs to be given to each family’s unique circumstances before going down this road.As a divorce mediator, I work very closely with my clients to thoroughly examine all important factors to help determine if this arrangement really makes sense for their situation.

How does 50/50 Parenting Time Work?

Many people wonder what a 50/50 co-parenting schedule looks like. There are actually a variety of schedules that parents can implement, depending on what works best for everyone. Some examples of 50/50 parenting schedules include:

• Alternating Weeks: Children spend one week with one parent and the next week with the other parent, with the handoff usually occurring at the beginning of the weekend (late Friday or Saturday morning).
• Alternating Every Two Weeks: Children spend two consecutive weeks with one parent, then the next two weeks with the other parent.
• 3-4-4-3 Schedule: Children spend three days of the week with one parent and four days of the week with the other, then alternate the following week.
• 2-2-3 Schedule: Children spend two days of the week with one parent, two days with the other, then go back to the first parent for the final three days of the week. The next week it alternates.
• 2-2-5-5 Schedule: Children spend two days with each parent then five days with each parent then back to two days with each parent, and so on.

These are just a few examples of schedules parents may use in a co-parenting arrangement.  There are numerous variations of these and others that can be implemented. Some parents are even choosing to have their children live at the same residence all the time while they are the ones alternating back and forth between residences.

Problems with 50/50 Parenting Time

One of the driving forces behind the 50/50 parenting movement is the idea that both parents have an equal right to be involved in the lives of their children. Unfortunately, the assertion of “parents’ rights” can sometimes detract from the most important objective of child custody arrangements; to always do what is in the best interests of the child. Put another way, just because you can do something, does not always mean you should do it.

Here are a few scenarios in which a 50/50 parenting schedule would not always be best for the parties involved:

• Children with Special Needs: For children who have physical and emotional issues, such as autism, ADHD, anxiety, or similar issues, it may not always be best for these kids to transition back and forth between parents.
• Parents who Live a Significant Distance from Each Other: Another common issue that presents difficulty with 50/50 parenting is when children have to travel a long distance between the residences of the two parents. This can become further complicated when deciding which school the kids should attend (when parents live in different school districts), which activities the kids want to be involved in, etc.
• When One Parent Travels A lot: If one parent does a lot of traveling for work, this can make it more difficult to come up with a consistent 50/50 parenting schedule, especially when the traveling parent does not always know when their business trips will be scheduled.

Determining the Best Interests of the Children through Mediation

Though 50/50 parenting arrangements can work well in some instances, there are other cases in which it is not the best approach. For parents, it is important to focus on the needs of their children, rather than asserting their “rights” or meeting their own emotional or financial needs. There is no “one size fits all” approach that is best for everyone, and this is where mediation can be very helpful.

With divorce mediation, parents work together in a cooperative rather than combative environment to reach the settlement that works best for them. This helps eliminate the “I win you lose” mindset, shifting the focus to win-win settlements that benefit everyone. And with the mediation process, parents are in control of the final outcome, rather than the courts. This allows them to come up with more unique and creative approaches that better fit their specific situation.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Navigating a Divorce When You Co-Own a Business

In a divorce, a judge unwinds a couple’s financial entanglements. But what happens if you own a business together with your spouse? In addition to being co-owners, you probably both contribute to the business, and it will suffer if either one of you disappears altogether. For this reason, unwinding a couple’s finances when they own a business together presents unique challenges.

Decide What to Do with the Business

Divorcing couples have options for what happens to the business. For example, you can:

• Sell the business to a new owner.
• Buy out your spouse’s share of the business.
• Continue owning and running the business jointly.
• Close the business down entirely.

If the business is profitable, closing it down is probably not the best option. However, you should take a close look at how much money the business makes. Also assess your own desire to continue working in the business. A divorce might be the right time to cut the cord to your business—along with your spouse.

How to Sell a Business

If you want to sell to a new owner, you need to value how much the business is worth. This might be tricky. Many business owners hire a valuation company, but both spouses should agree on the company hired. Valuation companies charge high fees, and you want each spouse to trust the valuation report issued. What you should avoid is each spouse obtaining their own valuation, which simply creates another disagreement.

After valuing the business, you can advertise it for sale. You might also want to jointly hire a lawyer or broker to manage the sale. Again, both spouses should agree on who to hire. Disagreements about whether to sell can actually cause buyers to flee.

Buying Out Your Spouse’s Share

You will also need to value the business so that you know how much your spouse’s share is worth. If you cannot obtain a loan to buy your spouse’s share, you should discuss giving them marital assets of equivalent value. For example, you might take the business while your spouse receives the home and other assets.

Running the Business Jointly

This option, though not ideal, is also possible if you can separate your personal issues from business ones. You should clearly define your business roles so that there is no confusion. You should also protect yourself by drafting a buy-sell agreement in the event one ex wants out of the business at some point in the future.