Picture this: a couple comes together to resolve their divorce issues with a divorce mediator. This results in successful divorce mediation. The couple reaches a fair, equitable agreement that they both can live with.
On its face, it is easy to see some immediate benefits provided by the divorce mediation process. The couple saved a significant amount of money by not litigating. In addition, they took control by jointly determining their own settlement terms. They chose not to have a judge who hardly knows them make decisions for them and their family.
The above being said, there are also many positive ripple effects that can result after the couple reaches an agreement in mediation. These positive ripple effects can benefit the couple and their children for years to come.
1. Mediation helps promote communication between the parties.
A mediator helps a divorcing couple learn how to communicate with each other in their “new normal” divorce environment. Divorce issues are discussed together. Solutions are figured out together. This is different than the litigation process where communication between spouses can be non-existent, as most items are discussed through the attorneys.
2. Children can benefit from witnessing their parents being respectful and civil to each other after the divorce.
The process of working together in mediation helps the parties learn how to be civil and not disparage each other. One of the goals of mediation is to resolve divorce issues so the parties can move forward with their lives. Parties understand that if they have children together, those children will always be their common denominator.
3. Mediation can enforce the couple’s commitment to work together in the years to come.
Successful divorce mediation can give the parties the confidence that they will be able to resolve future issues together. This can also save them money. Through divorce mediation, they learn that sitting back and blaming each other does not resolve the issues. It is not uncommon for a couple attending divorce mediation to agree that they will try to resolve future issues in mediation instead of running to the courthouse. This solidifies their commitment to work together in the future and can save both parties a lot of money that they would have otherwise spent fighting in court.
4. The privacy of mediation can help avoid gossip during and after the divorce.
Third-party “know-it-alls” love to gossip and tell nasty stories about other people’s divorces. This gossip can go on not only during the divorce process but also for years after the divorce. The divorce mediation process can put a lid on this and keep the divorcing couple’s “stories” private. Divorce issues discussed in mediation occur outside of court in a private, confidential setting. There are no public displays, no fighting in court, and no airing of dirty laundry for all to see.
The divorcing couple in divorce mediation can keep a low profile. They can maintain their dignity and respect as they resolve their divorce issues in a civil, respectful and private manner. This could help avoid the possibility of disseminating nasty stories about a party’s divorce both during the divorce and in the years to come.
These are just a few of the many benefits of successful divorce mediation. If you are interested in saving money, time, and stress associated with going through litigation, mediation may just be the perfect option for you.
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
6 Things to Consider When Going Through a Gray Divorce
One would think that divorce in couples over the age of fifty, together for years, would not be as common as for younger couples; however, statistics say otherwise. Gray Divorce is now a trend in the 21st century. In the 1990s; 1 in 10 couples over the age of 50 got divorced. Now; 1 in 4 people are going through Gray Divorce and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down.
As a divorce mediator, I have seen an increased number of couples seeking my services after making the conscious decision to end their 20, 30 and even 40-year marriages. Unfortunately, divorcing at this later stage in life is particularly challenging.
The experience is emotionally and financially traumatic. With that number of years under your belt, truly believing your relationship stood the test of time, and then to realize that what you thought was normal marital dissatisfaction turns into an intention to file for divorce can be earth-shattering.
Retirement
With retirement looming, and the number of available working years growing ever shorter, the analysis and assessment of whether they can each retire (now separately) becomes one of the most pressing issues. Where they may have once planned on retiring, collectively, under one roof, as their resources were jointly pooled together; they are now faced with how to provide and pay for separate residences.
This places a heavy burden on couples divorcing in their late 50s and 60s. The all too often result and the only option; rather than retiring is working well beyond retirement age.
Pensions and/or Retirement Accounts
One or both parties that have accumulated hard-earned pensions, retirement accounts, etc.; (which was considered a joint asset), is now subject to division post-divorce. This becomes a major challenge to the partner that was the major wage earner during the life of the marriage, as the plans for a comfortable retirement has just been cut considerably.
On the other hand, the spouse that wasn’t working for many years, also planning a comfortable retirement, might have to now re-discover the employment market. Clearly, 50% of planned retirement funds may not be sufficient to cover the bills of the now two individual households. Can you feel the resentment at what should be your comfortable retirement years?
Division of Assets
It is a real challenge, especially in a Gray Divorce. Property owned prior to marriage usually remains with the sole owner. It is much more difficult to identify marital and pre-marital property in a Gray Divorce due to the length of time the couple is legally married. The value each party places on marital and non-marital assets is a cause for conflict as the couple tries to claim exactly what belongs to whom and the dollar amount. Please note if this goes to court, the division of all assets will be determined by the judge, not by what your lawyer will tell you is “fair”.
Health Insurance
Health insurance issues come up when only one of the parties is employed. The spouse that is not working will have their health insurance terminated. As we age, we are aware that this is when we need health insurance more than ever; as our health deteriorates and costs rise.
Life Insurance
Ouch! Yet another blow. Once a divorce is finalized, the individual holding the life insurance policy can, and usually does, remove the ex-spouse from their list of beneficiaries on their life insurance policy.
Adult Children
You would think that the adult children of Gray Divorcing parents wouldn’t be as affected as younger children. Not so. The adult children put their lives on hold in an attempt to handle this family crisis, at the expense of their own families and careers. The parents also have a tendency to lean on their adult children emotionally and sometimes financially.
In many cases, the children are forced to take sides. This typically occurs when there are uncomfortable or embarrassing details of the split. If your parents came to you today and told you they were getting divorced, what do you think your reaction would be?
Mediation As A Less Acrimonious and Expensive Way To Divorce
Not all divorces have to be acrimonious, and, in fact, many couples who divorce later in life do so as a result of a gradual growing apart. As a result, they place a higher emphasis on amicable resolution, healthy dialogue and a positive post-divorce relationship with that soon to be former spouse; rather than an all-out “War of the Roses”.
A mediated divorce can be resolved in less than one year and save a considerable amount of money and emotional pain and turmoil. You need to grieve but realize that your life goes on. The pain is normal and part of the healing process. It helps you to let go and move forward.
As a divorce mediator, I have seen an increased number of couples seeking my services after making the conscious decision to end their 20, 30 and even 40-year marriages. Unfortunately, divorcing at this later stage in life is particularly challenging.
The experience is emotionally and financially traumatic. With that number of years under your belt, truly believing your relationship stood the test of time, and then to realize that what you thought was normal marital dissatisfaction turns into an intention to file for divorce can be earth-shattering.
Retirement
With retirement looming, and the number of available working years growing ever shorter, the analysis and assessment of whether they can each retire (now separately) becomes one of the most pressing issues. Where they may have once planned on retiring, collectively, under one roof, as their resources were jointly pooled together; they are now faced with how to provide and pay for separate residences.
This places a heavy burden on couples divorcing in their late 50s and 60s. The all too often result and the only option; rather than retiring is working well beyond retirement age.
Pensions and/or Retirement Accounts
One or both parties that have accumulated hard-earned pensions, retirement accounts, etc.; (which was considered a joint asset), is now subject to division post-divorce. This becomes a major challenge to the partner that was the major wage earner during the life of the marriage, as the plans for a comfortable retirement has just been cut considerably.
On the other hand, the spouse that wasn’t working for many years, also planning a comfortable retirement, might have to now re-discover the employment market. Clearly, 50% of planned retirement funds may not be sufficient to cover the bills of the now two individual households. Can you feel the resentment at what should be your comfortable retirement years?
Division of Assets
It is a real challenge, especially in a Gray Divorce. Property owned prior to marriage usually remains with the sole owner. It is much more difficult to identify marital and pre-marital property in a Gray Divorce due to the length of time the couple is legally married. The value each party places on marital and non-marital assets is a cause for conflict as the couple tries to claim exactly what belongs to whom and the dollar amount. Please note if this goes to court, the division of all assets will be determined by the judge, not by what your lawyer will tell you is “fair”.
Health Insurance
Health insurance issues come up when only one of the parties is employed. The spouse that is not working will have their health insurance terminated. As we age, we are aware that this is when we need health insurance more than ever; as our health deteriorates and costs rise.
Life Insurance
Ouch! Yet another blow. Once a divorce is finalized, the individual holding the life insurance policy can, and usually does, remove the ex-spouse from their list of beneficiaries on their life insurance policy.
Adult Children
You would think that the adult children of Gray Divorcing parents wouldn’t be as affected as younger children. Not so. The adult children put their lives on hold in an attempt to handle this family crisis, at the expense of their own families and careers. The parents also have a tendency to lean on their adult children emotionally and sometimes financially.
In many cases, the children are forced to take sides. This typically occurs when there are uncomfortable or embarrassing details of the split. If your parents came to you today and told you they were getting divorced, what do you think your reaction would be?
Mediation As A Less Acrimonious and Expensive Way To Divorce
Not all divorces have to be acrimonious, and, in fact, many couples who divorce later in life do so as a result of a gradual growing apart. As a result, they place a higher emphasis on amicable resolution, healthy dialogue and a positive post-divorce relationship with that soon to be former spouse; rather than an all-out “War of the Roses”.
A mediated divorce can be resolved in less than one year and save a considerable amount of money and emotional pain and turmoil. You need to grieve but realize that your life goes on. The pain is normal and part of the healing process. It helps you to let go and move forward.
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
Can We Use Divorce Mediation to Handle That?
Mediation can handle any of the issues that might come up in your divorce. The only difference between addressing these issues through mediation or through another technique, like litigation, is how they become resolved. Divorce mediation is a process in which divorcing spouses agree to try to settle their conflicts themselves with the help of a neutral third party. Therefore, if you and your spouse know that you want to separate but are having trouble resolving a particular matter, no matter what the sticking point is, mediation can probably help. Some of the most difficult issues that mediation can help resolve are child custody and parenting, child support, asset division, and alimony.
Mediating Child Custody and Parenting Time
Of all the issues that frequently arise during a divorce, child custody and parenting time are often among the most difficult to resolve. Parents love their children, but during a divorce it can be easy to convince yourself that the other spouse is using the kids as leverage, or will not be a good parent for them as they grow up. When these emotions take hold, it can be difficult to see past them.
Divorce mediation helps quell those emotions with a holistic approach that emphasizes cooperation and mutual respect, rather than inflaming antagonism with the combative tactics often used in litigation. Guiding parents toward making decisions that are truly in the best interest of the children involved is one reason why divorce mediation is often preferable to litigation.
Mediating the Division of Marital Assets
If you and your spouse have been professionally successful during your time together, you will likely have amassed significant assets between the two of you. Who gets what is one of the most challenging parts of a high net-worth divorce, especially when you or your spouse has a strong emotional connection to some of your belongings. Even if the main assets consist of nothing more than a house and a few bank and retirement accounts, however, deciding how to divide them can be tricky if the tension between the spouses is high.
Because divorce mediation focuses on compromise and discussion, rather than a scorched-earth policy of domination, dividing your assets fairly becomes far easier and less stressful. It also leaves you in greater control of the results, letting you keep the things that are the most important to you.
Mediating Child Support and Alimony
Another contentious issue in any divorce is alimony, otherwise known as spousal support. Similarly, child support can spark disagreement and frustration among divorcing spouses. By keeping the focus on the overall fairness of the separation, divorce mediation can handle alimony issues far better than a more combative dispute resolution process. This involves keeping in mind the long-term effect that the marriage had on those involved, and treating alimony according to its intended purpose of providing economic support to a spouse in need. By helping the parties to recognize and remain aware of these concepts, divorce mediation gives spouses a more thorough understanding of the process and lets them use that understanding to come to a collaborative decision that works for both.
With respect to child support, mediation works best by refocusing spouses on the needs of the children, rather than any interpersonal dispute between parents. De-escalating negative emotions and concentrating on the challenging economic needs of children can help unify parents on the shared goal of providing support for the family, even after the spouses are no longer together. The emotions involved in divorce – including each spouse’s anxiety about their individual economic needs after a separation – can draw the focus away from the financial needs of children. At the same time, mediation can assist spouses in understanding that maintaining two households after a divorce may require significant changes to lifestyle and spending habits, as each parent must learn how to get by with less than they may have grown accustomed to during the marriage.
Mediating Child Custody and Parenting Time
Of all the issues that frequently arise during a divorce, child custody and parenting time are often among the most difficult to resolve. Parents love their children, but during a divorce it can be easy to convince yourself that the other spouse is using the kids as leverage, or will not be a good parent for them as they grow up. When these emotions take hold, it can be difficult to see past them.
Divorce mediation helps quell those emotions with a holistic approach that emphasizes cooperation and mutual respect, rather than inflaming antagonism with the combative tactics often used in litigation. Guiding parents toward making decisions that are truly in the best interest of the children involved is one reason why divorce mediation is often preferable to litigation.
Mediating the Division of Marital Assets
If you and your spouse have been professionally successful during your time together, you will likely have amassed significant assets between the two of you. Who gets what is one of the most challenging parts of a high net-worth divorce, especially when you or your spouse has a strong emotional connection to some of your belongings. Even if the main assets consist of nothing more than a house and a few bank and retirement accounts, however, deciding how to divide them can be tricky if the tension between the spouses is high.
Because divorce mediation focuses on compromise and discussion, rather than a scorched-earth policy of domination, dividing your assets fairly becomes far easier and less stressful. It also leaves you in greater control of the results, letting you keep the things that are the most important to you.
Mediating Child Support and Alimony
Another contentious issue in any divorce is alimony, otherwise known as spousal support. Similarly, child support can spark disagreement and frustration among divorcing spouses. By keeping the focus on the overall fairness of the separation, divorce mediation can handle alimony issues far better than a more combative dispute resolution process. This involves keeping in mind the long-term effect that the marriage had on those involved, and treating alimony according to its intended purpose of providing economic support to a spouse in need. By helping the parties to recognize and remain aware of these concepts, divorce mediation gives spouses a more thorough understanding of the process and lets them use that understanding to come to a collaborative decision that works for both.
With respect to child support, mediation works best by refocusing spouses on the needs of the children, rather than any interpersonal dispute between parents. De-escalating negative emotions and concentrating on the challenging economic needs of children can help unify parents on the shared goal of providing support for the family, even after the spouses are no longer together. The emotions involved in divorce – including each spouse’s anxiety about their individual economic needs after a separation – can draw the focus away from the financial needs of children. At the same time, mediation can assist spouses in understanding that maintaining two households after a divorce may require significant changes to lifestyle and spending habits, as each parent must learn how to get by with less than they may have grown accustomed to during the marriage.
Tuesday, August 6, 2019
What NOT To Do Before Divorce Mediation [VIDEO]
Like Jennifer Safian, a divorce mediator in New York City, I offer couples a free, no obligation consultation so that they can meet and get comfortable with me and get an understanding of the mediation process. At the end of it, I give them a list of the documents that they need to gather for their first appointment, but I never have given them a list of what they should not do.
In this excellent video, Jennifer offers 9 important ‘Do-Nots’ that can delay, stall, or even derail a mediation:
If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.
In this excellent video, Jennifer offers 9 important ‘Do-Nots’ that can delay, stall, or even derail a mediation:
- Do not move money out of your accounts.
- Do not make unusually large purchases.
- Do not commit to a new rental or purchase a new home before you understand what your financial situation will be after the divorce.
- Do not remove your spouse's name from health or life insurance policies, bank accounts, or other legal documents.
- Do not listen to your friends.
- Do not dispose of assests you know your spouse is going to request.
- Do not increase your debt.
- Do not post negative comments on social media.
- Do not do anything out of spite.
If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.
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