Am I Entitled to More Because my Spouse Ruined Our Marriage?

There are a lot of reasons why couples decide to get divorced. Financial troubles, lack of communication, continual arguing, unrealistic expectations, lack of intimacy, infidelity, and abuse are among the more common reasons why couples split up. Sometimes, both spouses are partially to blame for the breakup, while in other cases, the divorce is triggered primarily by the actions of one of the spouses.

Many people believe that if they were not the ones who caused the divorce, they should not have to share in equitable distribution or pay spousal support (if this type of support is applicable in their case). For example, if one of the spouses was unfaithful and that is the event that triggers the divorce, shouldn’t that spouse be penalized by receiving less of the marital estate?

The short answer to this question is “no” in most cases. This is because every state in the US has what is called a “no-fault” divorce, and this is the reason that is used in the vast majority of divorce cases.

A couple seeks a no-fault divorce in Massachusetts based on “irreconcilable differences”, which is a shorthand way of saying that the marriage is broken beyond repair and there is no reasonable chance that the couple will be reconciled. And with a no-fault divorce, there is no basis for which to penalize either of the spouses for whatever acts they may have committed.

In other words, in a no-fault divorce, it doesn’t matter who did what. If your spouse was cheating on you, for example, it is a reprehensible act of betrayal. But because the divorce is no-fault, your spouse is still allowed to share in equitable distribution.

You may think this is unfair; but consider that if you have reached the point where your marriage is irretrievably broken, chances are it is not exclusively because your spouse “ruined” your marriage. If everyone is being honest, both spouses usually bear some responsibility for their marriage reaching the point where it is about to be dissolved. It may be difficult to realize this at first, but after a little time passes and the emotions are removed, spouses are often able to see the situation more clearly.

Divorce Mediation for No-Fault Divorces

Couples who have decided their marriage is over can make their divorce go much more smoothly by settling the issues that need to be resolved through mediation. Divorce mediation is an increasingly popular alternative to traditional litigation that allows spouses to work out the terms and conditions of their divorce together with the help of a professional, third-party mediator.

Mediation does require cooperation between the spouses and a willingness to compromise on some issues. This does not mean you have to agree on everything, you just need to be civil with each other and have reasonable expectations. If you and your spouse are able and willing to do this, you can complete your divorce for a fraction of the cost of litigation while crafting an agreement that is far more tailored to your specific needs than what you would normally end up with in court.

If you believe your spouse’s actions ruined your marriage, you may be understandably skeptical of a process like divorce mediation. But it is important to keep in mind that even a contentious marital breakup can be settled with mediation, as long as both spouses are willing to work together toward a more positive outcome.

The key is to try to put past hurts behind you as much as possible and look towards the future benefits of settling your divorce in a more peaceful manner. For example, if you and your spouse have children together, then you will probably have to maintain some type of contact with your spouse for the rest of your life. This being the case, it is better for everyone involved (especially the kids) if you and your spouse can part on good terms.

5 Reasons Long-Term Marriages Crumble

Ever since Bill and Melinda Gates announced that their 27-year marriage was over, one question has been on the lips of many talk show hosts and everyday folks: How can this be, after all that time together?

The billionaire philanthropists aren't the first high-profile couple to split up decades after tying the knot. Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, ended their marriage after 40 years. Though not divorced, actors Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman separated after 30 years together.

According to the AARP, midlife breakups are much more common than a generation ago.

"Older adults today are much less likely to be willing to remain in what we call ‘empty shell marriages,’ “ says Susan L. Brown, codirector of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio.

In fact, the divorce rate for people older than 50 doubled between 1990 and 2010, though it has remained stable since then, according to Brown's research. As of 2019, that's 10 divorced people per 1,000 married folks 50 and older.

"Marriage now is more about self-fulfillment and personal happiness than it was decades ago,” Brown observes, “and we have very high expectations as to what constitutes marital success."

So what are some of the main culprits that lead to divorce after a long union?

• Infedelity
• Money Issues
• Lack of Communication
• Empty Nest
• Unresolved Issues of the Past

What Does a Divorce Mediator Do and Not Do?

Divorce mediation is an increasingly popular alternative to traditional litigation that allows couples to resolve the terms and conditions of their divorce without having to go to court. When successful, mediation saves couples time and money by allowing them to sidestep a court proceeding and settle the divorce on their own. There is a lot of misunderstanding, however, about how the mediation process works and the role of the mediator.

As a divorce mediator, my job is to help guide the spouses toward a peaceable and workable settlement. In this article, I will explain in further detail what a divorce mediator does and does not do, so you have a better understanding of what to expect if you decide to mediate your divorce.

7 Things a Divorce Mediator Does

1. Facilitate the Mediation Process

Mediators are in charge of the process, and we facilitate a discussion between the spouses. We are neutral, third-party participants who have no vested interest in the outcome.

2. Educate Couples

A major part of a mediator’s job is to educate participants on the details of the process, how the sessions are going to work, and how couples can get the most out of it.

3. Help Couples Develop Solutions

Having been a divorce mediator for many years, I have worked with countless couples and dealt with just about every situation imaginable. Drawing on this experience, I am able to help couples come up with solutions that they may not have considered or may not even be aware of. In many cases, we are able to come up with innovative and creative solutions to help address individual circumstances, a result that is far less likely in a court setting.

4. Create a Safe Environment

The divorce mediator is there to create a safe environment where each participant can feel comfortable during each session. The sessions can be done in-person or remotely depending on the preferences of the spouses. And in some cases, spouses can be in different rooms during mediation with the mediator going back and forth between them. This process is known as caucusing.

5. Encourage Dialogue

As the facilitator, the mediator encourages dialogue between the spouses. By getting everything out on the table, we can more quickly move the discussion toward settlement options.

6. Keep Couples Focused on the Future

Sometimes, discussions can get off track and people can start heading down rabbit trails. The mediator keeps the couples focused on the big picture and what they want in the future, which helps get the discussion back on track.

7. Help Couples Focus on Children and Family

In addition to successfully resolving the divorce, one of the major goals of mediation is to work on the settlement in a civil and cooperative manner for the sake of the children (if there are children involved) and to help preserve delicate family relationships for the long-term.

4 Things a Divorce Mediator Does NOT Do

1. Make Decisions

A divorce mediator is not a judge, and they have no authority to make decisions on behalf of either spouse. Mediation is a voluntary process, and no settlement can become legally binding unless both spouses agree to it.

2. Provide Legal Advice

The mediator is not a legal representative for any of the participants, and they are not there to provide legal advice. Spouses are free to retain their own legal counsel if they feel the need to, but you do not need an attorney in order to enter into divorce mediation.

3. Serve as Referees

Mediators are not there to referee conflicts between the spouses. As we discussed earlier, the goal of mediation is to settle the terms and conditions of the divorce. Although venting frustrations is appropriate at times during the sessions, participants are expected to be civil and to enter into the process in good faith.

4. Share Details of the Mediation Sessions

Mediation is a confidential process, and everything that is discussed during the sessions stays between the participants. The mediator will never share any of the session details with the court or anyone else.

Making Divorce Mediation Work for You

Mediation is a great solution for many divorcing couples. However, since no settlement can become legally binding without the approval of both spouses, they must be willing to work together to come up with an agreement. Here are some important tips to help you get the most out of divorce mediation:

 

Choose an Experienced and Reputable Divorce Mediator

Not all divorce mediators are the same. Some do mediation part-time as an add-on to another profession, while others are trained and focused mostly or exclusively on mediation.

It is important to understand that the mediation process is different from other dispute-resolution processes like litigation. The mediator is an equal participant who is there to facilitate a discussion that guides the participants toward a workable resolution. This is a skill that is learned and developed over time, and for this reason, it is generally best to look for a mediator who is an expert in this field and solely dedicated to this profession.

Here are some other qualities and characteristics to look for in a good mediator:

• A neutral third-party facilitator who will ensure that the rights of both spouses are protected.
• Validates the feelings and opinions of both participants and makes them feel that they are “heard”.
• Is flexible and willing to work around busy schedules, including offering virtual/remote mediation sessions.
• Is a natural troubleshooter and problem solver.
• Has an in-depth understanding of challenging issues such as finances and parenting issues.
• Works closely with other specialists who can assist with complex matters such as dividing large marital estates that contained more complicated and unique assets.
• Compassionate and genuinely cares about ensuring that participants emerge from the process healthy and whole.

Focus on the Future

With any divorce, there is a certain amount of emotional baggage from past wounds that have brought the spouses to the place where they are dissolving their marriage. While these old wounds may be valid, it is not productive to focus too much of your attention on them during mediation.

Prior disputes will only distract from the issues at hand and move you further away from a peaceable and workable resolution. When you enter divorce mediation, your focus should be less on “what went wrong” and more on “where do we go from here”.

Enter the Process with Realistic Expectations

When you start divorce mediation, you need to go in with the understanding that you are not going to get everything you want. Every negotiation involves a give-and-take, and you need to be willing to give up something in order to get something that is more important to you.

This is how negotiation works, and everyone needs to have a willingness to compromise in some areas.

Be Open to New Ideas

During mediation, you might discuss some solutions that you may not have heard about from others who have gone through traditional divorce litigation. For example, the mediator may know of some ways to resolve challenging parenting schedules or complicated financial matters. Be open to new and innovative ideas that might be suggested to help resolve some of your unique challenges.

Look Out for the Well-Being of Your Children

Although you surely have differences with your spouse, try not to minimize the impact your spouse has on your children. For the sake of the kids, it is best to treat the other parent respectfully and maintain a civil tone. Doing this costs you nothing, but it can mean everything for your kids to see that their parents are at least making an effort to get along.

Stay Committed to the Process

You might not resolve everything in your first mediation session, and this is completely normal. Most couples will need at least a few sessions to work out everything, so do not get discouraged if you feel like you did not make adequate progress in your first session.

Oftentimes, participants just need to get all of their issues and grievances out in the open during the initial session, then they can move forward and work on a resolution.

Be mindful that this might happen and keep focused on the big picture. Even if mediation takes one or two more sessions than you initially expected, it is still far better than going through a long, drawn out and costly court battle.