New Study Further Strengthens Case For Shared Parenting After Divorce

 

Yet another study has been published showing the benefits shared parenting offers families. This one indicates that it’s not only fathers and children who are better off with shared parenting arrangements after divorce, but mothers as well.

When children are infants and toddlers, some parents and some prominent psychologists worry that frequent overnights at the father's home might disturb the relationship with mother. But new research from Arizona State University shows that children of divorce, no matter what their age, benefit from having parenting time with each parent that includes sleepovers at each house.

The study, "Should Infants and Toddlers Have Frequent Overnight Parenting Time With Fathers? The Policy Debate and New Data," was published in the American Psychological Association journal Psychology, Public Policy and Law.

"Not only did overnight parenting time with fathers during infancy and toddlerhood cause no harm to the mother-child relationship, it actually appeared to benefit children's relationships with both their mothers and their fathers," said William Fabricius, ASU associate professor of psychology and lead author of the study. "Children who had overnights with their fathers when they were infants or toddlers had higher-quality relationships with their fathers as well as with their mothers when they were 18 to 20 years old than children who had no overnights."

The study, co-authored with ASU graduate student Go Woon Suh, revealed that the amount of parenting time small children had with their fathers afterwards, during childhood and adolescence, did not make up for the overnights they missed in their first few years.

For fathers, Fabricius said, every increase in number of overnights per week during infancy and toddlerhood was matched by an increase in the strength and closeness of their relationships with their grown children. The grown children who had the best relationships with both of their parents were those who had equal numbers of overnights at each parent's home during infancy and toddlerhood.

Importantly, these findings were the same regardless of whether courts ordered overnight parenting time over the mothers' initial objections, or parents agreed on their own to provide equivalent overnights. Likewise, the findings were the same for parents who had high conflict and those who had low conflict during the first five years of their divorces, the study found.

The benefits to the father include getting him more involved in the child's early life.

"Having to care for their infants and toddlers for the whole cycle of evening, bedtime, nighttime and morning helps dads learn how to parent their children from the beginning," said Fabricius, who studies father-child relationships and the impact they have on the child's health and well being. "It helps dads and babies learn about each other, and provides a foundation for their future relationship. Other studies have shown that programs that encourage married dads to take more responsibility for infant care help those dads learn better parenting skills, and we think that the same kind of thing happens when divorced dads have overnight parenting time."

The mother-child relationships were better when children had any number of overnights with dad; perhaps, because sharing overnights helped mothers avoid the inherent stress of having to be a single, full-time parent of an infant or toddler. And having good relationships with mom and dad, even when not living together, bodes well for the children.

"Good quality relationships with parents in young adulthood predict better stress-related physical and mental health for the children later in life," said Fabricius. "So in a real sense, this becomes a public health issue,"

Tips for a Productive Divorce Mediation

It’s a common mistake for divorcing spouses to confuse mediation with couple’s therapy. Mediation should be thought of as a conversation about the future, with the goal of reaching an amicable divorce settlement that puts both spouses on the best path forward. Unlike couple’s therapy where the goal is to resolve conflict within a romantic relationship, during mediation it is understood that the romantic aspect of your relationship is over. As such, you should not use mediation time to harp on issues of the past. Savvy mediators will redirect talking points about the past to a conversation about the future.

Many spouses use mediation as a strong alternative to divorce litigation because the cost of mediation is cheaper than litigation, takes less time to complete, and allows the spouses to control the outcome of their divorce instead of leaving that outcome in the hands of a judge. Remember to put your best foot forward during mediation because if the mediation fails, you will end up spending your time and money on divorce litigation which is exactly what you are trying to avoid.

In this excellent blog posting, Asa Pitt offers tips for a productive divorce mediation:

1. Understand the Mediator’s Role.
2. Listen Carefully Before You Speak.
3. Do Not Attack the Other Spouse During Mediation.
4. Use the Word “Because”.
5. Share ALL of the Relevant Information.
6. It’s Okay to Take a Break.
7. Understand that You May Have a Future Relationship With Your Ex-Spouse.

Decision Fatigue: Why Smart People Make Bad Divorce Decisions

Decision fatigue is the mental and emotional drain you feel after you’ve made too many decisions in a short period of time. It’s the reason why, after a long day at the office, you can’t figure out what to eat for dinner.

Decision fatigue explains why seemingly rational people sometimes do irrational things. It’s NOT that you’re stupid, lazy, crazy, or weak-willed. It’s just that at that moment you’ve used up your quotient of decision-making energy.

Whether you realize it or not, making decisions takes energy – mental and emotional energy. So, even if you’re not physically tired, once you’ve depleted your mental and emotional energy, you’re more likely to make bad decisions … or no decisions at all.

In this excellent blog posting, Karen Covey offers 7 ways to make better decisions in your divorce:

1. Avoid marathon negotiation or mediation sessions.
2. If you’re going to meet for more than an hour, bring snacks.
3. Establish your priorities before you negotiate anything.
4. Simplify your life.
5. Schedule important conversations when you’re fresh.
6. Set a tripwire to avoid impulse decisions.
7. Master Your Mindset

4 Ways You Can Be The Parent Your Kids Need Post-Divorce

Divorce can be devastating when you’re a parent. You can’t just crawl into a hole and grieve, rant or rage. You must still care for the well-being of your children. And sometimes this is a challenge that overwhelms, resulting in parents who can’t cope with the responsibilities of parenting. When this happens, your children pay a high price. And too often, the parents aren’t totally aware of how their kids are being affected.

It’s not always easy to remember that your children may be grieving as deeply as you are during and after divorce. Consider this: It may be even more frightening for them because they were not responsible for the decision. Nor do they understand the complex dynamics that led up to the split. Children’s fears are compounded by apprehension about whether either of their parents will ever divorce them. They also worry about what will happen to them and their family in the future.

As dramatically as your life has been altered, remember, so too has theirs.

Don’t let your kids confuse sadness for rejection!

In their innocence children often mistake their parent’s grief as rejection. They see changes in Mom and Dad’s behavior, attention and state of mind. But they don’t always understand the depth of pain their parents are experiencing and how it can affect their day-to-day parenting. Most kids can pick up on when you are sad. But they may not always comprehend that your emotional pain is keeping you from being with them in the warm ways you were in the past. When you’re not in the mood to play with them, prepare dinner or help with homework, they may simply feel rejected. Or they may believe you don’t love them anymore.

Due to their lack of sophistication, children often fail to understand that your being upset about the divorce may be affecting your parenting behavior. They may question why you’re not as attentive. Or wonder whether your sadness is their fault. Or worry that you’re angry with them for loving their other parent. This can create emotional instability and deep anxiety for some children who don’t have words to express their feelings.

Be the parent your kids know and need!

Here are some suggestions for helping children adjust to the complex emotional changes in family life due to the divorce.

1. Be generous with your affection: Even if you can’t be “yourself” regarding activities you used to do with the kids, always offer a hug and a smile. A few minutes of cuddle time or kind words of affection will remind them that they’re still loved and important to you.
2. Be discreet when you need to emote: There’s a time for raging, hitting pillows and venting to your friends. But it’s not when the kids are within earshot. When you need to express your grief, find a place away from the children. Remember, you don’t want to deprive them of their childhood nor make them your confidant or therapist!
3. Be sincere about your feelings: When you’re overwhelmed with sadness around the kids, be honest. But also be clear that it’s not their fault. Say something like “I’m feeling sad and don’t feel like playing right now. It’s nothing you’ve done. I hope to be feeling better a little later, okay?”
4. Be receptive to professional help: Having a trusted support system can make all the difference in helping you cope with your divorce. Find a therapist, divorce coach or support group specializing in coping skills for parents. Their insights will help you move through the transitions ahead while being there for your children. Also consider professional resources for your kids. Ask at their schools about programs and professionals who specialize in divorce recovery.