What Does a Divorce Mediator Do and Not Do?

Divorce mediation is an increasingly popular alternative to traditional litigation that allows couples to resolve the terms and conditions of their divorce without having to go to court. When successful, mediation saves couples time and money by allowing them to sidestep a court proceeding and settle the divorce on their own. There is a lot of misunderstanding, however, about how the mediation process works and the role of the mediator.

As a divorce mediator, my job is to help guide the spouses toward a peaceable and workable settlement. In this article, I will explain in further detail what a divorce mediator does and does not do, so you have a better understanding of what to expect if you decide to mediate your divorce.

7 Things a Divorce Mediator Does

1. Facilitate the Mediation Process

Mediators are in charge of the process, and we facilitate a discussion between the spouses. We are neutral, third-party participants who have no vested interest in the outcome.

2. Educate Couples

A major part of a mediator’s job is to educate participants on the details of the process, how the sessions are going to work, and how couples can get the most out of it.

3. Help Couples Develop Solutions

Having been a divorce mediator for many years, I have worked with countless couples and dealt with just about every situation imaginable. Drawing on this experience, I am able to help couples come up with solutions that they may not have considered or may not even be aware of. In many cases, we are able to come up with innovative and creative solutions to help address individual circumstances, a result that is far less likely in a court setting.

4. Create a Safe Environment

The divorce mediator is there to create a safe environment where each participant can feel comfortable during each session. The sessions can be done in-person or remotely depending on the preferences of the spouses. And in some cases, spouses can be in different rooms during mediation with the mediator going back and forth between them. This process is known as caucusing.

5. Encourage Dialogue

As the facilitator, the mediator encourages dialogue between the spouses. By getting everything out on the table, we can more quickly move the discussion toward settlement options.

6. Keep Couples Focused on the Future

Sometimes, discussions can get off track and people can start heading down rabbit trails. The mediator keeps the couples focused on the big picture and what they want in the future, which helps get the discussion back on track.

7. Help Couples Focus on Children and Family

In addition to successfully resolving the divorce, one of the major goals of mediation is to work on the settlement in a civil and cooperative manner for the sake of the children (if there are children involved) and to help preserve delicate family relationships for the long-term.

4 Things a Divorce Mediator Does NOT Do

1. Make Decisions

A divorce mediator is not a judge, and they have no authority to make decisions on behalf of either spouse. Mediation is a voluntary process, and no settlement can become legally binding unless both spouses agree to it.

2. Provide Legal Advice

The mediator is not a legal representative for any of the participants, and they are not there to provide legal advice. Spouses are free to retain their own legal counsel if they feel the need to, but you do not need an attorney in order to enter into divorce mediation.

3. Serve as Referees

Mediators are not there to referee conflicts between the spouses. As we discussed earlier, the goal of mediation is to settle the terms and conditions of the divorce. Although venting frustrations is appropriate at times during the sessions, participants are expected to be civil and to enter into the process in good faith.

4. Share Details of the Mediation Sessions

Mediation is a confidential process, and everything that is discussed during the sessions stays between the participants. The mediator will never share any of the session details with the court or anyone else.

Making Divorce Mediation Work for You

Mediation is a great solution for many divorcing couples. However, since no settlement can become legally binding without the approval of both spouses, they must be willing to work together to come up with an agreement. Here are some important tips to help you get the most out of divorce mediation:

 

Choose an Experienced and Reputable Divorce Mediator

Not all divorce mediators are the same. Some do mediation part-time as an add-on to another profession, while others are trained and focused mostly or exclusively on mediation.

It is important to understand that the mediation process is different from other dispute-resolution processes like litigation. The mediator is an equal participant who is there to facilitate a discussion that guides the participants toward a workable resolution. This is a skill that is learned and developed over time, and for this reason, it is generally best to look for a mediator who is an expert in this field and solely dedicated to this profession.

Here are some other qualities and characteristics to look for in a good mediator:

• A neutral third-party facilitator who will ensure that the rights of both spouses are protected.
• Validates the feelings and opinions of both participants and makes them feel that they are “heard”.
• Is flexible and willing to work around busy schedules, including offering virtual/remote mediation sessions.
• Is a natural troubleshooter and problem solver.
• Has an in-depth understanding of challenging issues such as finances and parenting issues.
• Works closely with other specialists who can assist with complex matters such as dividing large marital estates that contained more complicated and unique assets.
• Compassionate and genuinely cares about ensuring that participants emerge from the process healthy and whole.

Focus on the Future

With any divorce, there is a certain amount of emotional baggage from past wounds that have brought the spouses to the place where they are dissolving their marriage. While these old wounds may be valid, it is not productive to focus too much of your attention on them during mediation.

Prior disputes will only distract from the issues at hand and move you further away from a peaceable and workable resolution. When you enter divorce mediation, your focus should be less on “what went wrong” and more on “where do we go from here”.

Enter the Process with Realistic Expectations

When you start divorce mediation, you need to go in with the understanding that you are not going to get everything you want. Every negotiation involves a give-and-take, and you need to be willing to give up something in order to get something that is more important to you.

This is how negotiation works, and everyone needs to have a willingness to compromise in some areas.

Be Open to New Ideas

During mediation, you might discuss some solutions that you may not have heard about from others who have gone through traditional divorce litigation. For example, the mediator may know of some ways to resolve challenging parenting schedules or complicated financial matters. Be open to new and innovative ideas that might be suggested to help resolve some of your unique challenges.

Look Out for the Well-Being of Your Children

Although you surely have differences with your spouse, try not to minimize the impact your spouse has on your children. For the sake of the kids, it is best to treat the other parent respectfully and maintain a civil tone. Doing this costs you nothing, but it can mean everything for your kids to see that their parents are at least making an effort to get along.

Stay Committed to the Process

You might not resolve everything in your first mediation session, and this is completely normal. Most couples will need at least a few sessions to work out everything, so do not get discouraged if you feel like you did not make adequate progress in your first session.

Oftentimes, participants just need to get all of their issues and grievances out in the open during the initial session, then they can move forward and work on a resolution.

Be mindful that this might happen and keep focused on the big picture. Even if mediation takes one or two more sessions than you initially expected, it is still far better than going through a long, drawn out and costly court battle.

The short answer is yes, there are some cases that are not well-suited for mediation. However, it is important not to jump to conclusions about where mediation is more flexible and adept that many people give it credit for.

There are three main classes of cases that are unsuitable for mediation: (1.) Extremely contentious cases in which a history of abuse or imbalanced power dynamics prevents one spouse from effectively advocating for him or herself, even with the aid of a mediator. (2.) Complex financial cases in which one spouse lacks the training, knowledge or acumen to evaluate the financial issues in the case, and (3.) cases in which one or both spouses fail to show a good-faith commitment to the mediation process by providing accurate information or records, or by failing to negotiate honestly.

If you are worried that your divorce will be too complex for mediation, bear in mind that outside experts like accountants, real estate appraisers, and even investigators can be brought into a divorce mediation to help, just as such outside experts can play a role in divorce litigation. These professionals can provide the special knowledge it takes to adequately resolve your divorce in mediation. Moreover, many spouses address complex financial issues in a mediation by hiring a mediation-friendly attorney as a Mediation Coach. Such attorneys are trained to analyze complex financial issues in a divorce and can provide invaluable aid to spouses who are trying to understand a family’s finances.

If you are worried that you and your spouse are too adversarial for mediation to work, you might have more cause for concern. Divorce mediation is based on mutual respect, trust, and communication. If you do not think that your spouse will play fair or if you do not trust your spouse, then mediation might not be your best option. The same goes for if your spouse has been abusive in the past and you are concerned for your safety. If you are worried that your spouse has special knowledge or too much of the bargaining power in your relationship for mediation to work, though, it is important to remember that some of these issues can be addressed through the use of a Mediation Coach, and that mediators are trained to see these problems and account for them in ways that does not let one spouse overpower the other.

 

Creating a Perfect Parenting Plan in 6 Steps

At the start, divorce feels like a win/lose situation. One parent may seem to have it all on paper, while the other struggles to make ends meet. On the flip side, the parent who seemingly has it all finds that they have little time to spend with their kids, while the other parent is with them all the time.

Whether or not this example speaks to your situation, finding a balance between family life, your child's best interests, your emotions, and everything else is essential to every family when creating a perfect parenting plan. Many points must be considered when crafting the parenting plan that will work best for your family, from schedules and holidays to finances and communication. While your situation may call for you to consider points particular to your situation and call for additional steps, this excellent blog posting outlines six basic steps that will be a great help for any parent to consider in creating the perfect parenting plan.

 

Divorce Involving Disabilities Can Prove Challenging

In terms of who it can affect, divorce does not discriminate. Individuals of all backgrounds can find themselves facing marital issues, that lend themselves to the prospect of divorce.

For individuals who face the challenges of a disability, the prospect of a divorce can be a damaging turn of events, that can jeopardize one’s financial future.

Depending on the disability involved, it could affect the individual situation. This excellent blog posting discusses the impact of the jobs of the divorcing individuals, how long the individual or individuals with a disability have been working, whether or not they have been displaced from their position or positions at any given time, whether or not Social Security Disability Insurance is at play, and child custody are all additional aspects that can affect the outcome of the divorce case.