Your Children Are Going Through This Divorce Too

Remember, as painful as this divorce experience is to you, your children are going through this divorce, too. The "our" in "our divorce" does not just refer to you and your spouse. This divorce will likely be a defining moment in your childrens' lives. The memories of this event will follow them far into adulthood and, in many cases, impact their own relationships.

In this excellent posting, Michelle Crosby lists 10 practical, but critical, tips for reducing the long-term negative impacts of your break-up:

1. Give them a routine they can count on. In the midst of what most certainly feels like chaos, a regular schedule can be a real comfort.
2. Talk nice. Speaking negatively about your spouse will reflect more on you than them in the long run. And in the short run, it causes nothing but pain.
3. Unambiguously reassure them the divorce isn't their fault. Be very clear. Then do it again. And again. Kids need to hear it. Don't assume they know.
4. Make extra time. Be available emotionally and physically -- snuggle time for youngsters and talk time for adolescents.
5. Play. Divorce is heavy, serious business. Balance it (for both you and your kids) with joy. Find time to goof around with your kids. Positive, lasting memories can be created even during this challenging time.
6. Show appreciation of your spouse. Set a goal to share one positive thing a day about their other parent. It can be difficult, but it can be done.
7. Encourage quality time with both parents. Never take time with the other parent away as a punishment (for either your child or your spouse).
8. Keep it (the divorce conversation) together. When speaking about the divorce and its outcomes, try to do it together with your spouse. Unity shows you put the children first.
9. Give them some sense of control. Age appropriate choices such as "Do you want to go to bed at 8:30pm or 9pm?" or "Do you want to do your chores first or homework first?" help provide a sense of control.
10. Let kids be kids. Without both parents present, it's common for children to slip into a role of parenting siblings or feeling as though they must protect you or your spouse. Don't encourage this. Instead, build safe ways for them to enjoy and explore the innocence of childhood.