Can Divorce Mediation Work For You?

When people call my office to inquire about my divorce mediation services, they’re usually on the fence if it’s going to work for them or not.  “Do we have to have everything figured out?” and “What if my spouse and I aren’t exactly on great terms?  Can we still mediate?”  Both common questions I hear day in and day out.

The good news is the answer to both of them is no!  You don’t need to have everything figured out, nor do you have to be getting along famously.  If you were getting along perfectly, you probably wouldn’t be looking for mediator.  And as far as having it all figured out, that’s what mediation is for.

 

Can divorce mediation work for you?

There are three things you'll need to think about in order to decide if mediation can work in your situation.

1. Are you willing to put the time and work into mediating?  There’s a reason mediation costs much less than hiring a lawyer to represent you during a divorce.  It’s because in mediation, I work with you to help you gather the necessary documents and complete the required forms and  worksheets as opposed to letting your attorney take care of it for you.  When you do it it’s free.  When they do it, it’s billed hourly.  I won't leave you alone to go off and try and figure it out on your own. I will guide you expertly through the entire process.
2. Do you love your children?  While this may seem like an obvious question the reality is mediation works best if you and your spouse are child-focused.  All of the decisions you make in mediation should be centered around what’s best for your children.  Minimizing the disturbance your divorce will have on your children is always our goal.
3. Are you reasonable people?  Mediation is about negotiation and compromise. If you or your spouse think you’re entitled to 100% of anything mediation isn’t going to work for you.  But if you are willing to discuss the issues like rational adults and focus on the facts that you’ll both need to be able to live after you’re divorced, then yes, mediation can work for you

Because mediation is a voluntary process, both you and your spouse must be willing to mediate. We can’t force either one of you to come to a session and do the necessary pre-work required.   

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Getting a Divorce? Take These Five Steps To Adjust Well

Would you be surprised to learn that step #1 is NOT get an attorney?  That’s often the first step most people think about.  Once the decision to divorce has been made, the next step is often finding an attorney.  While that may be a step along the way in the divorce process, Lisa Gabardi, in this excellent blog posting, suggests a different process designed to maximize your ability to adjust well, lay the foundation for a positive future, and minimize the conflict and emotional wreckage (and possibly the cost)!

Step 1.  Get Clear About Your Values

• Who do you want to be?  What relationships do you want to have with your adult children?  How do you hope to be enjoying your life?  What is most important to you?  Your core values and the resulting “higher order/best self” goals you set for yourself become your “home base”; the place you consult and return to again and again as you make choices about how you respond and proceed in your divorce.

Step 2.  Create Effective Strategies for Managing Your Feelings

• Divorce is stressful.  It is a loss.  You will likely experience a variety of sometimes intense uncomfortable feelings.  You will need ways to soothe yourself, calm down, and manage stress.  Consider soothing strategies such as breathing, meditation, music, exercise, rest, journal writing, talking to others, or some other peaceful or enjoyable activity.  Increase the time you spend taking good care of yourself.  Healthy routines including meals and sleep are essential.

Step 3.  Get Support

• You will be better able to manage the stress of divorce if you aren’t going it alone. Ask for and allow yourself to receive help!  Rely on helpful friends and family.  Allow them to listen and offer emotional and practical support.  Consider a professional for further emotional support as well as help with decision making, coping skills, grief counseling, and communication and conflict resolution skills.

Step 4.  Consider Your Children

• Educate yourself about the effects of divorce on children, the effects of parental conflict on children’s adjustment, how to talk to your children about the divorce, the needs of children at different ages and developmental stages.  Give yourself time to be thoughtful and have a plan that helps your children have some sense of security during this adjustment.

Step 5. Consider Your Divorce Options and Assemble Your Team

• Do you know that there are options other than retaining an attorney and bracing yourself for a costly, adversarial litigation process?  Divorce is a big decision.  The way you choose to go through the process will have a variety of risks and benefits, financially and emotionally.  Do yourself a favor and educate yourself about your options.  You may consider a “kitchen table” divorce that you and your former spouse negotiate mainly between yourselves, mediation, collaborative divorce, or a two-attorney divorce.  Invest some well-spent time to learn about these various options.  They are listed here, in general, from lowest conflict and financial cost to highest.  Your particular circumstances and your ability to negotiate with your former spouse may inform your choice as to which model is best for you.  Investigate your options!

Notice that considering an attorney is the last step I mention, not the first!  The highest priorities are clarifying how you want to move through this, what matters most to you, and practicing skills to cope.  Going through those steps first puts you on a stronger foundation and with a clearer vision for how to move forward.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Hate Your Ex More Than You Love Your Kids? Effects of Divorce on Children of Divorce

There is a family judge in Massachusetts who has a sign hanging on her door that reads:
 

Do You Hate Your Ex More Than You Love Your Kids?

Provocative question, right?

You might be thinking “of course I don’t — that’s just ridiculous!” Maybe you are even offended by the suggestion.

So why then would a judge so brazenly post this message?

After all, the chances are that if you are separated or divorced you are working hard to do the best you can to protect your kids from any harm stemming from the breakup. Your intentions are probably in the right place.

Sadly, sometimes intentions are not enough. Too often negative unintended harm comes to kids because of the conflict, tension, or even ill will that exists between exes.

In this excellent article Ben Stich outlines how parents often make the effects of divorce on children of divorce even worse and how parents can decrease the negative effects of divorce on children of divorce.  Ben suggests that parents loves their kids more than they hate their ex when they:

• Make sure to never complain about the parent within earshot of the children…
• Go out of the way to make sure their child honors the other parent’s birthday and Mother’s and Father’s Day
• Never use the children as a source to get information about the other parent…
• Listen attentively and without judgment when the children are talking about the other parent…
• Never ask the children to choose between Mom and Dad…
• Communicate directly with the parent rather than having the children pass messages back and forth…
• Behave politely with the other parent during pick-up and drop-off…
• Establish a parenting plan in a timely manner that is geared to the child’s best interest rather than the parent’s…
• Improve communication and decrease conflict by working with a divorce mediator, rather than litigate…

The bottom line is that kids of separated, divorced or never-married parents are hyper-aware of and sensitive to the relationship dynamics between their parents. When you get angry, frustrated, exasperated, furious, indignant and outraged at your ex, please remember this:

You Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Your Ex!

Remembering this could be the best thing you’ve ever done for your kids.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

How to Hire a Family Lawyer Who Won't Ruin Your Divorce

There has been a lot of discussion lately in the mediation community about the recently released film Divorce Corp.  The general consensus seems to be that while the film raises some important concerns, it unfairly relies on divorce horror stories to paint family lawyers as opportunistic money-chasers and family law judges as corrupt tyrants. 

In this excellent blog posting Rackham Karlsson looks at one specific issue implicated in the film that should be of concern to anybody going through a divorce - who to hire as a lawyer. 

Do I even need a lawyer?

Strictly speaking, you do not need a lawyer's or any other professional's help to get divorced.  You can get divorced yourself, or you can choose to enlist the help of a mediator, an attorney, a financial advisor, a child psychologist, etc.  Generally speaking, it is a good idea to at least have a sideline attorney at your disposition, to make sure you have a qualified professional who can advise you independently throughout the divorce process.

What role will your lawyer play?

The most important question to ask of any lawyer is, "Can you provide the kind of legal assistance that I need?"  Most people do not need an aggressive attorney who will drag the family through court and attempt to wring every last penny out of the marital estate, or go to the mat over child custody when you need to preserve your ability to communicate with the other parent.  Instead, most people need an attorney who will inform them of their rights, help them understand the consequences of different options available to them, participate in negotiations as needed, and review any agreements prior to signing.  You should choose a lawyer who understands the role you want them to play and is comfortable in that role.

What does "zealous advocacy" mean to you?

Lawyers have a duty of zealous advocacy to their clients. However, the term "zealous advocacy" can be taken to mean many different things. Unfortunately, too many lawyers interpret it as a duty to use any means necessary to get the best financial outcomes for their clients. This is completely inappropriate for the vast majority of family law cases.  When it comes to family issues, intangible concerns can be just as important as financial concerns, and often are far more important.

What kind of advice is your lawyer giving?

One reason to hire a divorce attorney is that he or she has the benefit of experience handling many divorces, and therefore has insights into the laws and processes that might not be immediately apparent to you.  However, you should be concerned if your lawyer is giving advice that threatens your ability to reach an agreement fairly and respectfully.

Be careful of well-meaning advice.

As you navigate your way through your divorce, you will inevitably receive a great deal of well-meaning advice from friends and family.  Be careful about this advice.  Never, ever forget that this is your life and your divorce.  Every situation is different, and what works for somebody else might be disastrous for you. Hire an attorney who will help you get the kind of divorce you want, not the kind of divorce somebody else wanted.

Remember, you get to decide who you hire as an attorney. At this critical juncture in your life, your choice of attorney can make a tremendous difference, not only in how your divorce proceeds, but also in what your life looks like post-divorce.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at  508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

10 Proactive Steps To A Painless Divorce

Being proactive during your challenging divorce can minimize the emotional chaos in your life and family. This article by Wendy Newman Glantz' outlines 10 proactive steps to help you achieve a more harmonious disengagement.

1.      Take Responsibility

2.      Forgiveness

3.      Appreciate

4.      Think Positively

5.      Speak Positively

6.      Financially Educate Yourself

7.      Consult With A Mental Health Professional

8.      Find A Coach

9.      Explore Alternative Methods

10.  Find The Attorney For You

It is not often easy to take some of these steps, but the benefits are less stress, financially and emotionally, as well as the creation of a healthier emotional environment for you and your children. 

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159 to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

How I Got Divorced For Less Than $1,500 In Legal Fees

As part of marketing our practices, most Divorce and Family Mediators point out the substantial cost savings that couples realize by choosing to mediate, rather than litigate, their divorce.  And, all of us can cite any number of examples as an illustration of this fact.

Still, it is nice to see an unsolicited example.  This article in Reuters describes how Tim McLaughlin got divorced in Massachusetts for less than $1,500 in legal and mediation fees.

While not every couple can settle their divorce as quickly and inexpensively as Mr. McLaughlin and his ex-wife, the process they followed is a good model for couples who want to contain their costs: 

• They met with a mediator, talked about the finances of running two households and worked out a parenting plan for their daughter.
• The parenting plan became the basis for their custody agreement.
• They hashed out the general division of their major assets and child support payments by themselves.

 During this process, they each consulted with their respective attorneys, who did a good job of laying out the parameters of what the divorce agreement might look like.  After that, it didn't take long to finalize the details.  When they appeared before a judge in divorce court, they didn't bring attorneys with them. They even split the cost of the $230 filing fee.

Mr. McLaughlin acknowledges that this was a painstaking process that took several months to get squared away. But they weren't saddled with the pressure of getting something done quickly because of mounting legal fees.

Separated but living under one roof — for now

A recent article in The Boston Globe discusses a living situation that has grown prominent enough in the past two or three years that it has got a name, “nesting.”

The arrangement has various permutations, but essentially a separating couple retains their primary home for the benefit of kids, who can maintain familiarities like bedrooms, neighborhoods, and schools. Spouses either continue to live in the home, in separate spaces, or they alternate living in another shared space during off time. This way, instead of establishing two new homes, they’re only investing in one.

According to the article, nesting has become more common for a number of reasons:

• An increased focus on the family and stability for the children.

• The preference of children to stay in their home and not be dragged from house to house based on their parents’ choice to divorce.

• With joint custody becoming common, nesting offers a way for couples to successfully minimize disruption to children.

• For some modern couples, nesting offers the perks of separation without major financial duress and transition.

It’s not for everyone. Warring spouses who can’t stand the sight of each other or who are entangled in affairs aren't likely candidates. But for amicable couples who maintain mutual respect, nesting can be a child-focused way to ease the myriad challenges of divorce.

Ground rules are crucial, nesters say. Parenting styles aside, potential pitfalls — clandestine trysts with new paramours, arguments over bills — can be avoided with clear parameters.

Still, at its best, nesting is a short-term fix. Eventually, a new relationship might evolve, making such a set-up rather awkward. And the longer such an arrangement lasts, the easier it could be to resume bad marriage patterns.

If you and your spouse could benefit from structured assistance in making decision during your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.