Am I Entitled to More Because my Spouse Ruined Our Marriage?

There are a lot of reasons why couples decide to get divorced. Financial troubles, lack of communication, continual arguing, unrealistic expectations, lack of intimacy, infidelity, and abuse are among the more common reasons why couples split up. Sometimes, both spouses are partially to blame for the breakup, while in other cases, the divorce is triggered primarily by the actions of one of the spouses.

Many people believe that if they were not the ones who caused the divorce, they should not have to share in equitable distribution or pay spousal support (if this type of support is applicable in their case). For example, if one of the spouses was unfaithful and that is the event that triggers the divorce, shouldn’t that spouse be penalized by receiving less of the marital estate?

The short answer to this question is “no” in most cases. This is because every state in the US has what is called a “no-fault” divorce, and this is the reason that is used in the vast majority of divorce cases.

A couple seeks a no-fault divorce in Massachusetts based on “irreconcilable differences”, which is a shorthand way of saying that the marriage is broken beyond repair and there is no reasonable chance that the couple will be reconciled. And with a no-fault divorce, there is no basis for which to penalize either of the spouses for whatever acts they may have committed.

In other words, in a no-fault divorce, it doesn’t matter who did what. If your spouse was cheating on you, for example, it is a reprehensible act of betrayal. But because the divorce is no-fault, your spouse is still allowed to share in equitable distribution.

You may think this is unfair; but consider that if you have reached the point where your marriage is irretrievably broken, chances are it is not exclusively because your spouse “ruined” your marriage. If everyone is being honest, both spouses usually bear some responsibility for their marriage reaching the point where it is about to be dissolved. It may be difficult to realize this at first, but after a little time passes and the emotions are removed, spouses are often able to see the situation more clearly.

Divorce Mediation for No-Fault Divorces

Couples who have decided their marriage is over can make their divorce go much more smoothly by settling the issues that need to be resolved through mediation. Divorce mediation is an increasingly popular alternative to traditional litigation that allows spouses to work out the terms and conditions of their divorce together with the help of a professional, third-party mediator.

Mediation does require cooperation between the spouses and a willingness to compromise on some issues. This does not mean you have to agree on everything, you just need to be civil with each other and have reasonable expectations. If you and your spouse are able and willing to do this, you can complete your divorce for a fraction of the cost of litigation while crafting an agreement that is far more tailored to your specific needs than what you would normally end up with in court.

If you believe your spouse’s actions ruined your marriage, you may be understandably skeptical of a process like divorce mediation. But it is important to keep in mind that even a contentious marital breakup can be settled with mediation, as long as both spouses are willing to work together toward a more positive outcome.

The key is to try to put past hurts behind you as much as possible and look towards the future benefits of settling your divorce in a more peaceful manner. For example, if you and your spouse have children together, then you will probably have to maintain some type of contact with your spouse for the rest of your life. This being the case, it is better for everyone involved (especially the kids) if you and your spouse can part on good terms.

What Does a Divorce Mediator Do and Not Do?

Divorce mediation is an increasingly popular alternative to traditional litigation that allows couples to resolve the terms and conditions of their divorce without having to go to court. When successful, mediation saves couples time and money by allowing them to sidestep a court proceeding and settle the divorce on their own. There is a lot of misunderstanding, however, about how the mediation process works and the role of the mediator.

As a divorce mediator, my job is to help guide the spouses toward a peaceable and workable settlement. In this article, I will explain in further detail what a divorce mediator does and does not do, so you have a better understanding of what to expect if you decide to mediate your divorce.

7 Things a Divorce Mediator Does

1. Facilitate the Mediation Process

Mediators are in charge of the process, and we facilitate a discussion between the spouses. We are neutral, third-party participants who have no vested interest in the outcome.

2. Educate Couples

A major part of a mediator’s job is to educate participants on the details of the process, how the sessions are going to work, and how couples can get the most out of it.

3. Help Couples Develop Solutions

Having been a divorce mediator for many years, I have worked with countless couples and dealt with just about every situation imaginable. Drawing on this experience, I am able to help couples come up with solutions that they may not have considered or may not even be aware of. In many cases, we are able to come up with innovative and creative solutions to help address individual circumstances, a result that is far less likely in a court setting.

4. Create a Safe Environment

The divorce mediator is there to create a safe environment where each participant can feel comfortable during each session. The sessions can be done in-person or remotely depending on the preferences of the spouses. And in some cases, spouses can be in different rooms during mediation with the mediator going back and forth between them. This process is known as caucusing.

5. Encourage Dialogue

As the facilitator, the mediator encourages dialogue between the spouses. By getting everything out on the table, we can more quickly move the discussion toward settlement options.

6. Keep Couples Focused on the Future

Sometimes, discussions can get off track and people can start heading down rabbit trails. The mediator keeps the couples focused on the big picture and what they want in the future, which helps get the discussion back on track.

7. Help Couples Focus on Children and Family

In addition to successfully resolving the divorce, one of the major goals of mediation is to work on the settlement in a civil and cooperative manner for the sake of the children (if there are children involved) and to help preserve delicate family relationships for the long-term.

4 Things a Divorce Mediator Does NOT Do

1. Make Decisions

A divorce mediator is not a judge, and they have no authority to make decisions on behalf of either spouse. Mediation is a voluntary process, and no settlement can become legally binding unless both spouses agree to it.

2. Provide Legal Advice

The mediator is not a legal representative for any of the participants, and they are not there to provide legal advice. Spouses are free to retain their own legal counsel if they feel the need to, but you do not need an attorney in order to enter into divorce mediation.

3. Serve as Referees

Mediators are not there to referee conflicts between the spouses. As we discussed earlier, the goal of mediation is to settle the terms and conditions of the divorce. Although venting frustrations is appropriate at times during the sessions, participants are expected to be civil and to enter into the process in good faith.

4. Share Details of the Mediation Sessions

Mediation is a confidential process, and everything that is discussed during the sessions stays between the participants. The mediator will never share any of the session details with the court or anyone else.

Your Attitude Makes a Difference!

Many people consider negotiations to be stressful and threatening. Others view them as challenges to be overcome. Do these different attitudes in negotiation influence the outcomes that people reach?

In this blog post by the staff at Harvard’s Program on Negotiation discusses research by professors Kathleen M. O’Connor of Cornell University and Josh A. Arnold of California State University that showed that your attitude towards and in a negotiation does make a difference. It turns out that having a positive attitude (along with high expectations) towards and in a negotiation will indeed affect the results, leading to a better result.

"The researchers examined the outcomes achieved by the study of participants who placed themselves in one of the two categories. When talks had integrative potential (also called a win-win situation), participants who viewed negotiation as a challenge were better at identifying and capturing opportunities to expand the pie than were those who viewed it as a threat. But in purely distributive (win-lose) negotiations, no significant difference in outcomes existed between the ‘threat’ and ‘challenge’ groups.

So, there are two points to be gleaned here: engage in interest based, or win-win negotiations, whenever possible, and be optimistic viewing the negotiation as a challenge (and not as a threat). You will end up with a much better result!

Mindset Matters in Divorce: How to Go from Scarcity to Abundance

Every sports or business coach will tell you that mindset matters. Your mindset determines, to a large extent, whether you win or lose; whether you fail or succeed. It determines whether you’re happy or you’re miserable.

Yet somehow, when it comes to divorce, most people think that their mindset doesn’t matter. That is … if they think about their mindset at all.

The truth is that when you’re going through a divorce thinking about your “mindset” isn’t very high on your list of priorities. You’re much more worried about figuring out whether you can pay your bills and when you’re going to see your kids than you are about whether or not you’ve got a the right mindset.

In this excellent blog posting, Karen Covy writes about how, if you and your spouse can be a little open-minded and operate from a mindset of abundance rather than fear, you can create a win/win situation in your divorce, instead of a win/lose one. (… or a lose/lose situation, which happens way too often!)

You can expand your marital “pie” so that when you divide it, you both end up with more than you would have if you fought to the death trying to get the whole pie for yourself.

But you can’t possibly do that if you’re scared out of your minds and your brain is caught in a negative scarcity loop.

That’s why your mindset matters so much. Having the right mindset can literally change your divorce.

The Greatest Benefit of Divorce Mediation: Saving Relationships

"Do you help couples stay together?"

"No, unfortunately I don’t. I help couples separate and divorce in a way that reduces conflict and most importantly looks after the best interest of the children and the family as a whole."

In this excellent blog posting, Roseann Vanella and Carmela DeNicola explain that, during mediation, couples are encouraged to find common ground on the issues that need to be resolved, develop peaceable and workable resolutions (for these issues), and part ways amicably. When children see that their parents are able to resolve their divorce and still maintain a good relationship, it makes it much easier to accept what happened and adjust to their new reality.

This is an intangible benefit of mediation that you cannot put a price on, and it is the biggest reason I do what I do.

Improving Co-Parenting Communication

Divorce signals the end of your marriage, but your relationship with your ex-spouse never really ends if you have children.

You are no longer husband and wife, but you are co-parents, and limiting disagreements and working effectively is critical to aiding your children’s development. Of course, finding ways to get along isn’t so easy if there is a high amount of conflict in your relationship.

Here are several tips you might find helpful as you work to improve communication with your ex and form a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Treat your ex like a business partner
You’ve likely had a co-worker who you didn’t necessarily care for and yet you still found a way to get along with them well enough to do your job. Start thinking about your relationship with your ex in the same terms.

When you communicate, keep things simple and don’t delve into personal matters regarding your relationship with her. There is nothing to gain from rehashing old arguments.

Your conversations should focus on matters affecting your children. Communicate directly and never use your kids as a go-between, which will only cause them more anxiety.

Don’t talk down about your ex around the kids
No matter how nasty your ex acts, never badmouth her in front of the children. That is still the mother of your children and you need to try as hard as you can to remain respectful. Your kids will appreciate you for it.

It’s understandable if you need to vent from time to time. But save that for a close friend, relative or counselor. Make sure there is no chance your kids overhear the conversation.

Don’t argue in front of the children
Similarly, never have an argument with your ex in front of your kids.

You should do whatever you can to keep communication civil and polite, however sometimes blowups are unavoidable. If you do have a disagreement, try to conduct it in private out of earshot from the children. While it might be difficult to swallow your pride, you are probably better off turning the other cheek.

It’s important to realize you are never going to change who your ex is. You likely learned this fact during the divorce process. So you are better off using your energy to figure out an effective way to work together since she is going to remain your co-parenting partner regardless.

If your ex insists on starting unnecessary arguments, it might be worth considering a parallel parenting arrangement to reduce the amount of contact you have with her.

Focus on what’s in your control
Something that is difficult for a lot of parents is coming to the realization that you can’t control what goes on in your ex’s household. As long as she is not putting the kids in any danger, you must learn to let go of any control issues you have.

Your parenting style might be different from the one your ex employs. That’s not the end of the world. Come to an agreement on basic things to ensure your children’s health and safety, but it’s OK if the two of you parent differently.

Focus on what you can control and let go of everything else. As with everything, a positive attitude is key.

Don’t complain to your ex
Even if you are on good terms with your ex, it is impossible to avoid the occasional disagreement. But you want to avoid airing a laundry list of complaints every time you talk.

You’ll foster better communication by acting respectfully. Think about how you would like her to approach you if you did something she disagreed with.

Instead of snapping, “Why has Billy been staying up so late?” at her, ask her calmly, “Hey, can we talk about Billy’s bed time? I’m worried he’s not getting enough sleep and it might be why his grades are slipping.”

Quiet your support system
Your support system is critical for helping you survive divorce and will remain important as you work to become a better co-parent. But they have no business getting mixed up in your co-parenting relationship.

Far too often a new spouse or grandparent or sibling will spout off about how you and your ex are handling your co-parenting relationship. That isn’t constructive and only causes trouble between you and your ex.

You and your ex are the parents. Your support system is your support system. They should be there to help you, not critique your co-parenting techniques.

Five Lessons for a Successful Mediation

In this blog posting, Ada Hasloecher offers five lessons that have held her clients in good stead during their mediations:

• Don’t denigrate your opponent
• Take responsibility and ownership of your actions
• Pick your battles
• Not every battle is a war
• Compromise is NOT a dirty word

Are You Really Ready for Divorce?

Your marriage is in question and you're facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go.

In this outstanding article, Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson write that most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests.

The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Couple Are Rarely In The Same “Place” Emotionally Regarding The End Of Their Marriage.

Like Susan Ingram, rarely, when I see a couple for our first mediation session, do I find they’re in the same “place” emotionally regarding the end of their marriage. That’s not surprising, when you think about it. The principal reason marriages fail is due to inadequate or faulty communication. This lack of communication only worsens as the chasm between the couple grows ever greater.

And I, as their mediator, need to bring a sensitivity about their “readiness disparity,” as well as a practical approach to moving the mediation process forward. By doing so, I can support each of them as they make the decisions necessary for establishing their future lives.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

The Six Essential Attributes of a Mediator:

Although I do mediate a variety of disputes (elder, business, landlord-tenant) most of my work is in divorce mediation. The six attributes Robert Angyal lists in this article are essential in helping couples come to their best agreement during a divorce.

• Expertise in mediation
• Ability to keep confidences
• Optimism
• Persistence
• Patience
• Impasse avoidance skills

As Robert writes, in order to ensure that potential mediators possess all these attributes, you shouldn't be shy about interviewing them. If they don't understand what you are talking about, you shouldn't retain them. You will be doing yourself a disservice if you choose a mediator who lacks any of these attributes - because they won't get the most effective mediator possible.

A Judge's View of Divorce and Mediation

This article by Judge Dale Harris is a frank assessment of divorce.

"The process is never easy, and sometimes it can bring out the absolute worst in otherwise good people. Judges can be asked to decide how property is distributed, who gets custody of children, and what schedule the children will be with either parent. I can only imagine how frightening it must be for the parties to leave those decisions in the hands of a total stranger."

Judge Harris goes on to describe efforts in the court system to encourage mediation summing up his article with, "Some couples will have issues that they just cannot agree to resolve; and when that happens, the courts are here to make those decisions. But the more effort the parties and the system can make to encourage an amicable resolution, the better off everyone will be in the long run."

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.