The Seven Habits of Highly Effective (Divorcing) People

First published in 1989, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, is a business and self-help book written by Stephen R. Covey. It has sold more than 25 million copies in 40 languages worldwide and remains one of the best selling nonfiction business books. Covey presents an approach to being effective in attaining goals by, as he says, “ignoring trends and pop psychology for proven principles of fairness, integrity, honesty, and human dignity.” In August 2011 Time listed Seven Habits as one of “The 25 Most Influential Business Management Books.”

Covey’s anecdotes are drawn as frequently from family situations as from business challenges. As I recently re-read The Seven Habits I was struck by how Covey’s approach relates to the behaviors I work hard to encourage – but, unfortunately, many times don’t see – in clients working through their divorce.

• Habit 1: Be Proactive is about taking responsibility for your life. Proactive people recognize that they are "response-able." They don't blame genetics, circumstances, conditions, conditioning – or their spouse – for their behavior. Instead of reacting to or worrying about conditions over which they have little or no control, proactive people focus their time and energy on things they can control.

• Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind is based on imagination – the ability to envision in your mind what you cannot at present see with your eyes. If you don't make a conscious effort to visualize who you are and what you want in life, then you empower other people and circumstances to shape you and your life by default. As it relates to divorce, Begin with the End in Mind means to go through the process with a clear vision of your desired direction and destination, and then continue by flexing your proactive muscles to make things happen.

• Habit 3: Put First Things First is about life management – your purpose, values, roles, and priorities – and where Habits 1 and 2 come together. What are “first things?” First things are those things you, personally, find of most worth. During the divorce process couples who put first things first are organizing and managing time, events, and decisions according to the personal priorities they established in Habit 2.

• Habit 4: Think Win-Win is to genuinely strive for mutually beneficial solutions or agreements. Couples value and respect each other by understanding a “win” for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution than if only one person in the divorce had got his/her way. A couple that approaches their divorce with a win-win attitude possesses three vital character traits: 

1. Integrity: sticking with their true feelings, values, and commitments.
2. Maturity: expressing their ideas and feelings with courage and consideration for the ideas and feelings of their spouse.
3. Abundance Mentality: believing there is plenty for everyone.

• Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood is about using empathic listening to be genuinely influenced by their spouse, which compels their spouse to reciprocate the listening and take an open mind to being influenced by them. This creates an atmosphere of caring, and positive problem solving.

• Habit 6: Synergize means "two heads are better than one." Synergize is the habit of creative cooperation. It is teamwork, open-mindedness, and the adventure of finding new solutions to old problems. But it doesn’t just happen on its own. It’s a process, and through that process, couples bring all their personal experience and expertise to the table. Together, they can produce far better results that they could individually. When couples begin to interact together genuinely, and they're open to each other's influence, they begin to gain new insight. The capability of inventing new approaches is increased exponentially because of differences.

• Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw means preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have--you. Balance and renew your resources, energy, and health to create a sustainable, long-term, effective lifestyle. It primarily emphasizes exercise for physical renewal, prayer (meditation, yoga, etc.) and good reading for mental renewal.

In The Seven Habits, Covey presents a holistic, integrated, principle-centered approach for solving personal and professional problems.  His step-by-step pathway for living with fairness, integrity, honesty, and human dignity are principles that give us the security to adapt to change, and the wisdom and power to take advantage of the opportunities that change creates.

As divorce mediators striving to help our clients develop their own fair and lasting solutions, encouraging our clients to follow Covey’s approach can assist them in becoming more effective in navigating their successful divorces and living full, purposeful, high-quality lives.

I'm Heading for Divorce--What Should I Do?

You want out. Your marriage is no longer happy. You just need to know the correct process for telling your spouse in a safe and respectful way, and know what are the appropriate steps to take.

In this article, excerpted from The Four Ways of Divorce, Rachel Virk offers specific steps for both those who want out of a marriage and those being left to take when facing divorce.

Mediation: Balancing Self-Determination and the Law

In this excellent blog posting, Susan Ingram writes about how it is easier for a couple to reach a “fair” agreement in a mediation setting – because THEY are the ones making the decisions. If they were litigating their divorce in court, a judge or their attorneys would be making decisions for them.

Like Susan I feel very strongly that while a couple should determine for themselves what is fair and equitable, their decisions also need to be “informed” decisions. What do we mean by that? An informed decision is one in which the couple has as much information as possible to help them decide upon the best course of action for themselves and their children.

First, I believe I have a responsibility to tell clients generally (in my role as a neutral) what their rights and responsibilities are under the law, and also to share with them decisions in pertinent cases. If it is appropriate, I will also tell them what other clients have done in similar circumstances. Additionally, I strongly recommend that they have their own review attorneys comment on the draft agreement I’ve prepared, so that each has gotten input from his or her own counsel.

My second, and equally important task, is to make sure my clients have all the information they need. I advise them during the first session that they may need to consult with experts or professionals in areas in which the issues are complex.

Divorce Can Be a Good Thing

In this excellent blog posting Tara Eisenhard writes about how families should evolve, not dissolve, through the process of divorce.

Society really doesn’t like divorce. Cultural jargon to describe the event includes words such as “failure” and “broken home.” It’s no wonder people who separate often suffer from a deep sense of shame. Personal shame then ignites a campaign of blame against the ex. Confusion and a desire for self-preservation drive individuals to retain separate lawyers and go to war in a courtroom. In the process, a couple surrenders all power as paid strangers make life-altering decisions for families in pain.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Families can evolve instead of dissolve, and the courtroom arena is an unnecessary option in the process. It’s all a matter of attitude and approach.

A good attitude is the most important factor. We can choose to be victims or heroes. We can view divorce as a miserable failure or a welcome turn on the path of life. We can regard the ex as a partner in the process or an enemy to be destroyed. A positive attitude will lead to a more peaceful and productive separation.

A mindful approach is possible even when a good attitude is lacking. The road to a good divorce lies in the principles of what Eisenhard calls “the GOOD Divorce™:”

G is for Goals. If possible, it’s best for separating couples to agree on a few goals to achieve together. This ensures they will continue to work as partners in the process. An easy goal to set together is for both to agree they want a divorce. They might also agree to a cost limit or timeframe in which to attain the goal. Personal goals are also a good idea. Where will you live? Do you want to get a new job? A new car? Would you like to save a certain amount of money each month?

O is for Observation. The divorce process always brings confusion, conflicting emotions and a cascade of disagreements. Expect this, and refrain from reaction. Instead, and without judgment, observe the situation. Watch your emotions without identifying. Listen to your ex without immediately firing back.

O is also for Options. Consider all options before taking action. This principle applies equally to individual arguments as well as the terms of your final divorce agreement. Wait until any emotional storms have passed and then think rationally about all opportunities and consequences before determining what to do next.

D is for Dignity. If you’ve set goals, carefully observed all options and made responsible choices along the way, chances are your dignity is still intact. Remember to also do your best to preserve your children’s dignity, and that means you don’t denigrate their DNA by talking negatively about their other parent. It’s not the easiest thing, but a dignified approach is usually more productive than playing dirty.

Sometimes divorce is the best solution to a serious problem. While the process can be stressful, it doesn’t have to be ugly. To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Call

Send SMS

Add to Skype

You'll need Skype CreditFree via Skype

6 Tips for Resolving Conflicts

In this excellent blog posting Susan Ingram presents six basic tips for resolving conflict in a positive and constructive manner:

1.      Be open to a different perspective. Instead of immediately proceeding to “combat mode” – where everything is represented as being either black or white – try to understand that there may be shades of gray. Your side of the story is not necessarily the only version. It helps to at least try to see the problem from the other person’s perspective.

2.      Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. With an “I” statement, you are telling the other person what is going on with you. With a “you” statement, you are placing blame on the other person and making him or her feel defensive. So, for example, it’s better to say, “I need help preparing the kids for bed” instead of “You never help put the kids to bed.”

3.      Focus on interests, not positions. Positions are rigid and do not look at the underlying needs of both parties. Interests, instead, get to the heart of the matter and address a person’s true needs and concerns. For instance, if you have a need for autonomy and independence, there may be a way to structure your involvement in a work project that honors that need, and also holds you accountable to the group.

4.      Look forward, not back. Try not to get entangled in the old history and grievances between you and the other party. That will keep you stuck in the past and unable to resolve your issues. If you concentrate on how things can be better going forward, you’re more likely to come up with a viable solution.

5.      Explore options together. Be open to there being a number of choices/options that could benefit both parties to the discussion. Be creative and open-minded as you look at various approaches and solutions.

6.      Listen to what the other person has to say. That means really hearing their words, having good eye contact and being inquisitive about what they’re saying. Too often, we’re so busy framing our own rebuttal that we don’t truly hear what’s been said. Pay attention and be totally present to the conversation.