Special Needs Children and Divorce Mediation

The laws and court decisions have set standards that typically look to what is in the ‘best interests of the child’ when determining parenting arrangements and child support obligations. This can be difficult enough to agree upon when a divorcing couple does not have a special needs child. So imagine how much more challenging it is when special needs are added to the mix.

In this excellent blog posting Susan Ingram writes about the range of conditions the term "special needs" covers and the many questions to ask and factors to consider when divorcing parents have a special needs child:

There are many benefits of a mediated divorce as opposed to a litigated divorce. Among those benefits is the fact that the couple learns to communicate in a better and more cooperative way. As you can imagine, this is especially important when a couple shares a special needs child for whom they will potentially be making joint decisions over the lifetime of that child.

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in decision making around your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce me­diation would be beneficial. 

Children ‘no less happy in single-parent homes,’ study finds

Researchers from United Kingdom's NatCen Social Research found family composition has “no significant effect” on the happiness of children. Rather, it is the quality of relationships at home which are most strongly linked to a child’s well-being.

The results challenge the popular conception that children in two-parent families are more likely to be stable and content than those raised in “broken” homes.

Researchers analysed data from the Millennium Cohort Study, which was made up of 12,877 children aged seven, in 2008, from across the UK. The children came from three family types: those living with two biological parents; those living with a step-parent and a biological parent; and those with just a single parent.

Jenny Chanfreau, a senior researcher at NatCen, said  that a “happy, harmonious family dynamic” was crucial for child happiness, adding: “It’s the quality of the relationships in the home that matters, not the family composition.”

The study’s findings contradict previous research which indicates that family division is likely to have a detrimental effect on children.

Massachusetts Custody Proposal Rightly Stresses Time With Both Parents

Last week The Boston Globe published an editorial strongly in support of a proposal by the committee to review Massachusett's child custody laws that acknowledges that, in most circumstances, children benefit from significant time with both parents.

Child advocates say the changes would establish expectations for all splitting families, and set the tone for settlement negotiations, by prioritizing the well-being of children over the competing interests of the parents.

Significantly, the proposal would change some of the adversarial language that’s currently in state code, replacing “custody” with “residential responsibility” and “decision-making responsibility,” and replacing the loaded term “visitation” with the more neutral “parenting time.” A new mission statement would state that significant time with both parents, when possible, is ideal. And new language would suggest that, when possible, children should spend at least one third of the time with each parent.  The guidelines are a way of acknowledging research that shows the value of quality time with both parents.

Divorce Mediation Infographic

Source: TopCounselingSchools.org Falmouth Mediation provides this graphic for informational purposes only. We do not endorse nor claim endorsement from the source site or organization. Falmouth Mediation is not responsible for any information contained therein, unless indicated specifically on that site.

The Grandchildren of Divorce

What does it mean when your parents split up - after you've already grown up?

In this article from The New York Times, Katie Crouch talks about her feelings when she received a call from her mother who, after 45 years of marriage, had hired a divorce lawyer.

What does it mean, when your parents split apart after you yourself have lived half of your life?

Focus on Your Goals When Dealing with Difficult People

Many of us have felt exasperation and a sense of annoyance when dealing with difficult people in negotiation.

How can you get through to people who seem uninterested in finding common ground? How can you deal with seemingly irrational negotiators who use insults, threats, and other hardball tactics to try to get their way?

In this excellent posting on the Harvard Law School's Program on Negotiation blog, Katie Shonk summarizes the following steps for coping with difficult counterparts who seem irrational at the bargaining table offered by Massachusetts Institute of Technology professor Lawrence Susskind in his new book Good for You, Great for Me: Finding the Trading Zone and Winning at Win-Win Negotiation.

1. Don’t respond to irrational behavior in kind, lest you make a bad situation even worse.
2. Don’t make unilateral concessions in an effort to win over the other party. Doing so will only encourage them to continue their bad behavior.
3. Don’t lose your cool out of frustration. Instead, take a break before you lose your temper.
4. Consider bringing others from your organization to the table, and encourage your counterpart to bring colleagues with him or her as well.
5. Put forth proposals that meet your interests very well and that seem to meet your counterpart’s interests at least reasonably well.
6. Prepare for each interaction carefully. Before sitting down to negotiate, talk with others in your organization and rehearse as often as possible.
7. After each meeting, summarize what transpired in writing and distribute copies to everyone involved. This will put your counterpart on notice that you are aware of his game.
8. If your counterpart refuses to respond to a set of reasonable proposals by a reasonable deadline, understand that it may be time to walk away and pursue other alternatives—then do it.

Easing the Transition Between Homes for Children of Divorce

Traveling between two homes can be difficult for children of divorce.  Each transition requires your child to make several adjustments.  Although your child may be anticipating being with their other parent, they may also experience some sadness at leaving you.  When they leave their other parent, they may experience the same emotions once again.  Coming and going require your child to say “hello” and “good-bye” several times within a brief period of time. 

In this excellent blog posting, Ann Marie Termini some great tips for easing the transition across households.

Your Children Are Going Through This Divorce Too

Remember, as painful as this divorce experience is to you, your children are going through this divorce, too. The "our" in "our divorce" does not just refer to you and your spouse. This divorce will likely be a defining moment in your childrens' lives. The memories of this event will follow them far into adulthood and, in many cases, impact their own relationships.

In this excellent posting, Michelle Crosby lists 10 practical, but critical, tips for reducing the long-term negative impacts of your break-up:

1. Give them a routine they can count on. In the midst of what most certainly feels like chaos, a regular schedule can be a real comfort.
2. Talk nice. Speaking negatively about your spouse will reflect more on you than them in the long run. And in the short run, it causes nothing but pain.
3. Unambiguously reassure them the divorce isn't their fault. Be very clear. Then do it again. And again. Kids need to hear it. Don't assume they know.
4. Make extra time. Be available emotionally and physically -- snuggle time for youngsters and talk time for adolescents.
5. Play. Divorce is heavy, serious business. Balance it (for both you and your kids) with joy. Find time to goof around with your kids. Positive, lasting memories can be created even during this challenging time.
6. Show appreciation of your spouse. Set a goal to share one positive thing a day about their other parent. It can be difficult, but it can be done.
7. Encourage quality time with both parents. Never take time with the other parent away as a punishment (for either your child or your spouse).
8. Keep it (the divorce conversation) together. When speaking about the divorce and its outcomes, try to do it together with your spouse. Unity shows you put the children first.
9. Give them some sense of control. Age appropriate choices such as "Do you want to go to bed at 8:30pm or 9pm?" or "Do you want to do your chores first or homework first?" help provide a sense of control.
10. Let kids be kids. Without both parents present, it's common for children to slip into a role of parenting siblings or feeling as though they must protect you or your spouse. Don't encourage this. Instead, build safe ways for them to enjoy and explore the innocence of childhood.

Should We See a Marriage Counselor or Divorce Lawyer?

HuffingtonPost.com has many good articles relating to divorce.  A recent article discussed when faced with questions about whether to divorce or reconcile, where do you go for advice: a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer? 

I have another suggestion:  See a professional family mediator.  

A neutral mediator can provide the parties, who see the mediator together, practical information to give the couple an idea about what their lives would be like if they divorced. The goal of mediation is to help the parties reach a mutual decision about what they are going to do and develop their own fair and lasting solutions outside the courtroom.  The mediator has the knowledge and expertise, as well as practical experience, with divorce to help the parties see their options realistically.

Marriage counselors help the couple deal with the emotional aspects of their decision to reconcile or divorce; divorce lawyers advise the parties individually about what might be "best" for them legally.  The mediator helps them look at their own and the other party’s  perspectives and work cooperatively toward a joint decision.   It is much less stressful for the couple, and their children, if they make these very important decisions together and not rely on others who don't know them (attorneys, judges, etc.) or their children, to decide for them.

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in decision making around your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce me­diation would be beneficial.  

Divorce and Special Needs Children

Special needs children have more expenses than a child without special needs. There is typically a need for multiple types of therapy, such as occupational, speech, physical, and psychiatric therapy., as well as non-prescription medical expenses such as vitamins, nutriments, and other dietary needs, assistive devices, and specially equipped cars, in addition to more traditional medical expenses.

In this excellent blog posting Robert Bordett discusses the importance for any child support dedicated to a child with special needs be allocated under the divorce agreement to a special needs trust so that the assets do not affect the child’s ability to receive government assistance. It is important that each parent have appropriate special needs planning in order to protect the child’s eligibility for assistance. Consideration must be given to financial planning, estate planning and parenting plans for the special needs child or children before the divorce decree is signed.

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in decision making around your divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce me­diation would be beneficial.