Fear and Anger During the Divorce Process

For many, the ending of a marriage is filled with a range of emotions.  Most often, in my divorce mediation practice, I see fear and anger.

As David Louis writes in this excellent blog posting, there is often an underlying current of uncertainty. For many, the uncertainly about living on their own, questions about their future resources, and lack of clarity about parental involvement causes strong fear. The spouse who “did not sign up for this divorce” often expresses anger. Even when they’ve accepted the inevitable, there is often a deeply held grudge.

The divorce mediation process gives couples the ability to come to their own shared decisions on parenting, division of assets and debts, and financial support. This clears the fog of uncertainty regarding these key elements. Often, clients who come into mediation feeling angry or afraid seem less consumed by these emotions at the end of the process.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial. 

Children of Divorce ... If You Had Three Wishes ...

It is common for child therapists to ask children for “three wishes”. Children are asked variations of the question “If you had three wishes that would make your family better, what would they be?” And more often than not, the various responses from children of divorce are incredibly similar.

“I wish my parents would get back together again.”
“I wish my parents would act like friends when they are around me.”
“I wish my parents would make me feel like I live in both homes.”

In this excellent blog posting Ann Marie Termini offers suggestions on how to respond to these three most common wishes.

By following these suggestions, you as a parent are taking positive steps to influence the difficult process of divorce for your children. See the divorce from your child’s perspective, and by doing so you will gain a new perspective of how your child is absorbing this big family change. Dedicate yourself to molding happier and healthier child.   

Making the Most of Your Child's School System After Divorce

Regardless of their age, children can’t be expected to turn off their emotions during or after a divorce any more than their parents can. Fear, insecurity, shame, guilt and other emotions are usually triggered when a parental marriage ends. These complex feelings can affect a child’s focus, self-esteem, relationships with their friends as well as their academic performance.

In this excellent blog posting Rosalind Sedacca writes about how you can ease the transition of your children returning to school after you have separated or divorced by opening the door to the many resources available to you through the school. The key here is in forming a cooperative relationship with school personnel.

Making your child’s teachers aware of a major change in your home environment is helpful both for them and your child. That’s because school is really a second home for children in our culture. Many children trust and feel safe with their teachers. By talking to the teacher in advance and explaining the status of your post-divorce arrangements, you can go a long way toward helping your child feel more secure or less alone.

Mediation May Be The Best Option When Considering Alimony.

When you hear the term “alimony”, there’s a tendency to think there’s no way a divorcing couple could ever agree. Hence, there’s often an assumption that divorces where alimony is involved might not be good candidates for mediation.

In this excellent blog posting Susan Lillis explains that part of what makes mediation a better option stems from the interrelationship between alimony and child support. Some judges prefer one option, others prefer a different approach.  It literally varies from judge to judge. Thus, your result might be determined by your judge’s personal preferences rather than your individual needs. For couples going through mediation, the options around child support and alimony can offer negotiating opportunities that might not be available in a litigation setting and often result in outside-the-box solutions.

What the alimony and child support options do, as part of mediated divorce, is put more control in the hands of the divorcing couple. A judge, though learned and experienced, does not know your situation. He or she will most likely follow the formula laid out in the law to the letter with little or no flexibility. By considering alimony or introducing it as an option in mediation and collaborative divorce, you can create some flexibility to reach an agreement that best meets the needs of all parties.

Are You Really Acting From Your Principles?

It’s worth considering what it actually means to be acting from our principles, as opposed to when are we just using the word to conceal other, possibly less highbrow motives.  The principle may look like the high road, but it can actually be a road to nowhere, a road that leads away from the ground and into the clouds.

In this excellent blog posting Rachel Alexander lists a few indicators that the “principle” may be anything but.

• When adhering to your principle demands that you shield yourself from the facts or obfuscate reality, it’s a good indication your “principle” is another name for something else. Possibly willfulness.
• When it is shorthand for “I really want to get my way, no matter the cost.”
• Or code for “my ego and self regard are on the line here.”
• When a non-interested party may observe that your “principled” behavior looks a lot like stubbornness, aggression or revenge.
• Your “principle” requires very little change from you, and significant change from the other person.
• When discussing the subject, you could be mistaken for a dictator of a small to midsized nation.

We Have Joint Legal Custody of Our Children. What Happens If We Disagree?

Many couples going through divorce who have children under the age of 21 are choosing to share “joint legal custody of their children.”

Joint legal custody gives parents the rights and responsibilities to make all important decisions regarding their children, together. Important decisions are those related to health, education and extracurricular activities, religious upbringing, and developmental issues.

In this excellent blog posting, Jennifer Safian writes that while Joint decisions are all well and good, often one party will ask: “…and what happens if we disagree?” This question causes much stress to a divorcing couple, who may already have many other disagreements to deal with.

Discussing Family Separation and Divorce with Your Children

As a parent, it is both frightening and highly stressful knowing you will have to tell your child/ren that you and your spoiuse are separating or are getting a divorce.

In this excellent blog posting, Ann Marie Termini gives six recommendations to follow to avoid unnecessary stress or create a loyalty bind:

1. If possible, tell your child/ren about the separation when both parents are present.
2. Present a clear, brief, yet honest explanation.
3. Give your child/ren time to digest the information.
4. Normalize and predict the grief process.
5. Keep communication open. 
6. Reassure your child/ren and prepare them for what lies ahead.