The Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce

I agree wholeheartedly with Robert Emory that divorced parents still must fulfill their responsibilities to their kids, and children should have rights in divorced families.

In this excellent blog posting Robert offers his "Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce." If you can give your children these freedoms, you will have gone a long way toward filling your responsibilities as a parent. 

 

Every child whose parents divorce has:

• The right to love and be loved by both of your parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
• The right to be protected from your parents’ anger with each other.
• The right to be kept out of the middle of your parents’ conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
• The right not to have to choose one of your parents over the other.
• The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of your parents’ emotional problems.
• The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect your life; for example, when one of your parents is going to move or get remarried.
• The right to reasonable financial support during your childhood and through your college years.
• The right to have feelings, to express your feelings, and to have both parents listen to how you feel.
• The right to have a life that is a close as possible to what it would have been if your parents stayed together.
• The right to be a kid.

What Should We Tell the Children?

One of the most typical questions asked of me by parents who are beginning the divorce process is, “What should we tell the children and how should we tell them?” Most parents, understandably, feel awful in having to tell their children about their pending divorce and how all their lives are going to be permanently changed. Such a task can generate tremendous pangs of guilt, sadness, and anger. Moreover, parents want to protect their children from the emotional pain of divorce, and want to protect their children from viewing themselves as the cause of the divorce.

In this excellent blog posting, Donald Saposnek offers these suggestions for how to tell children of an impending divorce:

• Tell your children the truth about the separation and divorce in advance, whenever possible.
• Both parents together should tell the children. If there is more than one child, it is generally better to tell the siblings together. This optimizes the support they will feel from each other and from the family meeting together to discuss this important news. The discussion should take place at a time that is distraction-free and at a place, such as home, that is familiar and comfortable.
• Use words that are addressed to the specific developmental level of your child or to each of your children’s level of understanding. Talk to young children more slowly and with simple words and simple phrases. Talk to older children and adolescents in more adult ways.
• Set aside enough time to answer any questions that the children may have about what is going to happen after the separation. Do not tell them right before you have a business meeting, a phone conference call, a hair appointment, or a soccer practice. Allow several hours of unplanned time after this discussion.

If parents work together in their divorce, even if they weren’t able to work together in their marriage, the children will benefit. Remember that even if the first wish of children of divorce (i.e. that Mom and Dad will get back together) can’t come true, their second wish (i.e. that Mom and Dad will cooperate with each other and not fight) can come true. That is up to you. Please make it happen, for the sake of your children. Begin with developing a mutual story of your divorce.

5 Financial Tips for a Smooth(er) Divorce

Divorce is stressful for numerous reasons, but one of the most palpable pain points has to do with finances. Whether you’re currently going through a divorce or have just completed the process, it’s imperative that you give your finances some careful attention.

When you marry someone, your lives naturally become intertwined – relationally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and financially. And while it can take months or years to unravel each of these tangles and move on, the financial ramifications can last for decades. If you aren’t careful and fail to make smart, calculated decisions, you could end up setting yourself back.

In this article, Jennifer Gretson offers 5 practical tips:

• Pursue Divorce Mediation
• Create a Post-Divorce Budget
• Close Joint Accounts
• Update Beneficiaries on Accounts
• Closely Monitor Your Credit Report

Establishing the Mediation Environment So the Participants Feel Safe and Supported.

As a mediator, a critical part of my job is to establish the framework and ground rules so that the necessary conversations can take place and move along, ultimately to resolution.

In this blog posting, Susan Ingram writes about establishing the essential foundation for a successful mediation.

• Facilitating conversation
• Problem-solving
• Protecting against power imbalances
• Setting the pace
• Safekeeping the space

If I have done my job well, the couple doesn’t necessarily realize all of the behind-the-scenes effort put into ensuring that the process runs smoothly.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Is Mediation a Good Idea for Your Divorce?

Divorces can be brutal. Even if you and your spouse are trying to end things reasonably, you may still need to go through months of lengthy courtroom procedures, and face rapidly escalating legal fees from your consulting attorneys.

There is, however, a potential alternative option. If you and your spouse are amicable to one another, you could pursue mediation—but is it really a good idea, or is it just a manifestation of wishful thinking?

In this blog posting Awais Ahmed writes that the potential value of mediation far outweighs the potential costs of its failure. Unless mediation is completely off the table as an option, it’s worth considering. The first step in mediation is working with your spouse to establish a framework for discussion and prepare to talk openly about how to split your assets and/or custody. Mediation may not be fun—but it’s much better than subjecting yourself to weeks of lengthy court battles.

Divorced? 4 Valuable Life Lessons to Master Now

The aftermath of divorce can be a sense of self-discovery or internment in a self-made prison of depression and resentment. It’s all about our acceptance of what is and determination to use the divorce as a pathway to a new and better life. The good news: it’s all up to us. We can create an attitude of positive expectation or we can subjugate ourselves to months and years of self-pity and despair down the road. The bad news: it’s not always easy to change our attitude or perspective on life. But if you do, you’ll be rewarded with a happier future for yourself as well as your children.

In this blog posting Rosalind Sedacca offers four vital steps to embracing your divorce as a catalyst to a brighter future.

• Boost your self-esteem.
• Use divorce as a lesson in self-awareness.
• Forgive yourself as well as your Ex.
• Re-explore your expectations about healthy relationships.

How to Take Charge of Your Divorce Process

Your spouse just demanded a divorce. What is the first thing you should do in the divorce process? The knee-jerk reaction for most people is to call a lawyer. In most cases, that is not the best answer.

In this article, Virginia Colin writes the first thing to do is manage your own emotions. If you are angry, be angry, but be careful not to let your anger contribute to a hostile, scary environment for your kids to live in.

Next, educate yourself. Learning about your options for what comes next may have a calming effect as you discover that you can have some control over what happens.

If you just hire a lawyer to handle everything for you, everything is likely to take a long time, and you are likely to spend a huge amount of money to get divorced. If you and your spouse work with a professional family mediator, you can probably settle everything much faster at much lower emotional and financial costs. Your divorce is part of your life. You will feel better if you take charge of it.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

How to Keep Your Kids Stable When a Marriage Falls Apart

One of the most common questions I am asked when working with families in transition is, “Will my children be OK?” The simple answer to this question is that children will be as “OK” as their parents are. Given that recent statistics reflect 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, it is understandable that parents want to insulate their children from the associated pain.

In this blog posting, Melissa Sulkowski writes that children look to their parents to figure out how to make sense of what is happening. They become reliant on their parents’ abilities to meet their needs, and this does not change because of a divorce. These circumstances should be managed in the same way the loss of oxygen would be on a plane. Put on your oxygen mask before securing your child’s.

So how do parents provide peace, security and predictability to their children when they are in limbo? Developing a healthy support system and ensuring good self-care are primary ingredients. Schedule something every week for yourself. Even if you don’t have a plan for the time, take the time. Transition is a time of healing.

4 Questions to Determine if Mediation is Right for You

The decision to divorce initiates a series of many challenging and difficult decisions, often starting with: What do I do now? What are the right questions to ask? Is divorce mediation right for me?

In this blog posting, Katherine Miller offers four yes/no questions as a guide for determining if the mediation process is the right fit given an individual’s desires, abilities, and family circumstances.

1. Do you think you know what is best for your family, or can you recognize it if you see it?
2. Are you willing to make your own decisions about your future.
3. Are you capable of understanding the financial information and the implications of various financial options if they’re explained to you?
4. Can you, and do you want to, speak up for yourself in the presence of your spouse with the assistance of the mediator?

Nesting - Will It Work For You?

Nesting is a shared parenting concept that allows the children to stay in the marital home while the parents go back and forth. The idea is that the children will be able to remain in one familiar place, have no concerns about where they are on what day or what they need to take with them. Typically, parents who choose this will be sharing time in the home with the children on an equal basis.

In this blog posting Clare Piro offers a number of issues to consider including long term or short term, cost, lack of privacy, significant other, working together, and reassessment.