Mediating Child Support Provides Flexibility

When you mediate your divorce, you generally have more flexibility in determining a child support solution that works for everyone. By allowing both parents the flexibility they need to come up with their own answers, without being confined by the usual court process, divorce mediation gives parents the supportive environment they need to create a child support system that truly works. This does not mean that mediating child support is easy, of course.

Poorly constructed, court-ordered child support systems can create tension and animosity over parenting time. Some child support-paying parents will seek additional parenting time because they feel they should “get something for their money”. Others may perceive an increase in parenting time as a way to reduce child support.

For parents who feel they’re being treated unfairly, child support payments can make them feel so angry and frustrated that they risk distancing themselves from not only their former spouse, but also from their children. Eventually, such parents may feel so alienated that they stop making their child support payments altogether, which can have serious legal repercussions if they are in violation of a court order.

Over the long term, it is far better for parents to come to a mutual agreement concerning child support payments following their divorce.  Although the state child support guidelines apply in a mediated divorce, parents can agree to deviate from the guidelines if doing so is ultimately in the best interest of the child.  When the support system is built through mutual understanding and cooperation, both parents are invested in the outcome because they were both a part of putting it together.

Mediating the issue of child support in a divorce helps to keep the focus on the best interests of the children, rather than ulterior financial motives. When the focus stays on the welfare of the children involved, they are the ones who truly benefit from the financial support, which is the real goal of the process.

Because mediation rewards creativity, child support can often incorporate “outside the box” concepts. For example, some families will adjust weekly child support in consideration of equal cost sharing for expenses like health insurance or child care. Other parents may choose to pool their income – sometimes with the higher-earning spouse contributing a greater share – to apply to children’s expenses. Perhaps a non-custodial parent will make a direct payment towards a child’s housing costs – or back-to-school clothes, the child’s first iPhone or car, or activity budget.

The point is this: The Child Support Guidelines provide a useful tool for generating a standardized child support order for two average parents at various income levels. What the guidelines don’t do, however, is consider the unique needs of the children and parents of a given family. Through mediation, parents can explore ways to stretch their dollars in the way that most benefits their children and the parents themselves.

How To Handle Money With Your Ex After Divorce

Disagreements about money can put stress on a marriage.  Hopefully, like the author of this excellent article, as you went through your divorce, you managed to come up with an amicable solution that left you both satisfied, focusing on the well-being of your children and giving you both a solid new start.

However, even with custody and child support figured out, as well as issues like whose health insurance plan your children would be covered by, you may be surprised to discover new money issues come up.

Start with the Divorce Settlement

Before you even get to the divorce, hire a mediator who can anticipate the things you’re likely to need to pay for as your children grow.  Child support doesn’t always account for things like paying for college, going to sleep-away camp, or helping kids pay for cars.

When possible, get these potential expenses on paper during the divorce process. You might decide to split the costs 50/50. Or perhaps you split the costs proportional to each parent’s income. As financial situations change, having a proportional agreement, rather than a dollar amount, can help you adjust the responsibility.

Obviously, it’s hard to anticipate all future financial demands. Every time something new comes up, you have to tackle it separately, based on your past experiences and current circumstances.

Decide Your Priorities

When it comes to extras, it’s vital that you know your priorities. If you want your son to have the chance to learn music, but your ex doesn't think this is important, you may have to assume the full cost for these activities.

Communication is Key

As with all relationships, good communication is key when financial issues come up in a co-parenting situation. Talk to your ex calmly and politely, and stay on task. If you’ve already agreed on cost sharing in your divorce settlement, all you may need to do in many cases is remind your ex in a timely manner of their responsibility.

Things can get stickier when you don’t have an agreement in writing, though. As you talk about these issues, you really need to stay on target.  This isn’t a time to rehash old grievances or make accusations about what the other person has or hasn’t paid for in the past.

What if You Can’t Agree?

For smaller things you can’t agree on, you might be on your own when it comes to paying. Chances are, it’s not worth it to force your ex to get involved, especially if you’re already struggling to get what’s owed you from the divorce settlement.

However, if there are big expenses vital to your children’s well-being, you might have to get a lawyer and head back to court.

Social Security Rules to Know If You're Divorced

Social Security benefits will likely account for a substantial amount of your retirement income, so you'll want to get the maximum benefit possible. Sometimes, this means claiming benefits on the work history of a spouse, instead of on your own record. 

Claiming benefits on your spouse's work history sometimes make sense even if you're no longer married. In this excellent article, Christ Bieber explains how you can claim benefits on your ex's record so you can maximize your Social Security income.

What Impact Does Remarriage Have on Child Support?

It is not an uncommon situation: You divorced several years ago and agreed to monthly child support payments. But now you're remarrying, and things have changed. Not only do you now need to support your new spouse's kids, you may even be considering adoption. Or, you may simply want to start a new family and need a better sense of financial rights and responsibilities.

Whatever the circumstance, it is important to understand your legal obligations and what options may or may not be available to you.  In this excellent article, Jennifer Wolf provides some guidelines for a broad understanding of your legal rights.

Lawyers Favor Mediation Over Litigation

According to a Canadian Forum on Civil Justice survey of family lawyers, they  overwhelmingly favored using mediation to settle disputes, as compared to litigation, collaboration and arbitration. The survey — which was carried out by the Canadian Research Institute for the Law and the Family — was based on the opinions of 160 family lawyers in British Columbia, Alberta, Ontario and Nova Scotia on their use of litigation, mediation, collaboration and arbitration in their family law practice. More than 89 per cent of respondents in the survey said they used mediation to resolve disputes related to such things as custody and division of property and assets.

Couples are often more satisfied with the results of mediation than they are from the results of litigation, says the Canadian Research Institute for the Law and the Family report.  “[In a court action], the accusations are in black and white for everybody to read. They’re staring you in the face. So, all of that acrimony is there on the surface. Whereas if you can get people in a room and they’re mediating, you can keep the tone down so that people can negotiate a resolution. They control the process, and that’s hugely beneficial.”

Selling Your Home While Going Through a Divorce

In this blog posting, Jennifer Safian interviews David Perry, a certified divorce real estate broker on:

• how his role differs when working with couples going through divorce as opposed to working with couples who are not separating,
• how he works with both spouses if they have disagreements regarding the sale of their home ... on pricing, on staging and eventually on accepting an offer, and
• how couples going through divorce can come better prepared so that he can help them.

Should You Get a Divorce Now or Later?

As I've written previously, the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017 (TCJA) that took effect in January has added a new urgency for wealthy Americans contemplating divorce.

In this Wealth Matters article in the New York Times, Paul Sullivan writes that several key changes in the law may determine whether it is better to complete or update a divorce agreement by Dec. 31 or wait until the new year.

One of the biggest changes affects alimony, which will not be a tax break for Americans whose divorce agreements are completed or updated after this year. The new tax law is also causing parting spouses to look more closely at benefits for their children and the values of privately owned businesses and partnerships.

There is a lot of money at stake for wealthy couples. Nearly 600,000 taxpayers claimed alimony deductions totaling more than $10 billion for the 2010 tax year, according to the Internal Revenue Service.

For couples who drew up prenuptial agreements, the outcome should they divorce is more uncertain. It is common in prenuptial documents to have a clause saying alimony payments are deductible for one spouse.

Other tax-driven divorce issues require a more careful eye.  One is how private businesses should be valued. This has always been an important component of divorce settlements. But the new tax law increases the cash flow of certain pass-through entities — businesses where the taxes on the earnings are paid by the owner, not the company — in a way that raises their value.

It is also important to look closely at the tax benefits of different assets.  For instance, couples should weigh receiving a house versus a spouse’s retirement plan. Traditionally, the spouse who has custody of the children wants the house. But the new tax changes, particularly in states where deductions for high state and local taxes have been capped, may make the family home less valuable in the long run than a retirement account with a similar value.

My Big Fat Divorce - Learning About Your Options Through The Ending Of A Hollywood Marriage

In 2002 a very funny movie came out. My Big Fat Greek Wedding is the story of a Greek woman who falls in love with a non-Greek man. Hilarity ensues as they plan their wedding and meld their families and cultures. Actress Nia Vardalos wrote, produced and starred in the film which is loosely based on the real life events surrounding her marriage to Ian Gomez; who played the best man in the film. Vardalos and Gomez recently announced they are divorcing after nearly 25 years of marriage.

Unfortunately, divorce is common these days. What is uncommon is the way they have seemingly chosen to divorce. In addition to the dignity and grace they are showing in their public communication of their decision, papers filed by Vardalos and responded to by Gomez indicate they requested that spousal support be determined in mediation. Timing is important because the IRS will not allow spousal support to be deducted for tax savings in divorces finalized after 2018.

In this article Heather Locus writes about what mediation means, how it works, and why would you choose that path.

4 Risks of Pension Plans in Divorce

Although the number of pension plans has significantly declined over the years there are still many of them out there, and many divorcing couples have to figure out how to deal with them.

In this blog posting, Chris Chen writes that the value of a pension benefit can be difficult to determine. Unlike other accounts, pensions don’t come with a statement that makes them easily comparable to other assets; they come with the promise of a benefit (the monthly payment that someone might get at retirement). So the number one priority when a pension is involved in a divorce is to get a valuation. The financial consequences of divorce are serious, and not getting a valuation may lead to struggling financially after divorce.

Risk of Valuation

Even when valued, the number provided on a report may lead to a false sense of security. Unlike other retirement statements, the value of a pension is estimated using the parameters of the beneficiary and of the pension. In most cases the divorce pension payout is calculated with a predetermined formula based on the employee’s length of employment and income.  In some cases, the benefit may vary depending on a few other factors.

Risk of Default

Pensions have a risk of default or reduced benefits in the future. According to the Society for Human Resources Management  114 pension funds are expected to fail in the next 20 years. When you consider that retirement can last 20, 30 or 40 years, you will want to evaluate if your pension plan is robust enough to last that long, and continue making payments for that long.

Personal Risk

People also underestimate personal risk. If you receive a pension as an alternate payee (ie the spouse who is getting a share of the pension from the former employee), you will want to consider the risks that your payments may be interrupted due to issues with your ex-spouse. Many pensions stop spousal payments when the beneficiary passes. When that happens, the alternate payee will have to find an alternate source of income to compensate.

And what about inflation risk?

Most pensions do not have a Cost of Living Adjustment (COLA). Effectively, when there is no inflation adjustment, the value of a pension payment is reduced every year by the amount of inflation. How bad can that be, you ask? Assuming a 3% inflation rate the value of a fixed payment will decrease by almost 50% over 20 years.  . What is the likelihood that expenses will have reduced by 50%?

The New Tax Code’s Impact on Divorce

Divorces are difficult, but add to them the stress of trying to understand tax law, and the road ahead looks even darker. One bright spot in the pre-2018 tax laws was that a tax benefit existed in cases involving alimony. Under the IRS tax rules before 2018, alimony was tax deductible to the payor, while being taxable to the recipient. But this has changed under the most sweeping federal tax code overhaul in decades, the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017 (TCJA).

Alimony and Taxes

In instances where there is a sufficient difference in the income of divorcing spouses, alimony may be a part of a negotiated settlement or ordered by a court. Where a high-income earner is paying alimony, they are usually in a higher tax bracket, so the tax deductibility of the alimony can save the payor – and even the family unit as a whole – a significant amount of money. This savings is sometimes so important that parties with potential alimony payments will build all other financial aspects of the divorce around alimony and calculate which scenario will give the best tax break or keep the most money in the family.

For example, suppose William pays Mary $5,000 per month in alimony. Mary doesn’t get to keep $5,000 because it’s treated as taxable income to her.  Based on her 25% tax bracket, Mary’s actual monthly net is $3,750. Conversely, as William is in a higher, 40%, tax bracket, when he writes a check to Mary for $5,000, the deduction translates to an out-of-pocket cost to him of $3,000.

In practical terms, taxable alimony shifts income from a high tax bracket to a lower one.  Uncle Sam has been footing the bill on the $750 differential in tax revenue between the $3,750 that Mary nets and the $3,000 that it costs William. That is exactly what the new regulation in the TCJA is structured to eliminate.

The New Tax Law and Alimony

The TCJA does away with the tax deduction for alimony. Even though the recipient would take the alimony tax free, the total tax bill per family will go up. The payor would pay alimony with post-tax dollars and would no longer have the benefit of that alimony tax deduction. While the recipient’s net income would appear to increase, the higher tax payment overall for the family, in turn, will likely lead to lower alimony orders.

Of course, such concerns presume that parties won’t act collaboratively to obtain and share the best net tax outcome for their families.

Timing is Critical

The new law’s treatment of alimony applies only to spousal support paid under a divorce instrument executed after December 31, 2018 and doesn’t apply to alimony agreements entered before that. This means that people divorced prior to December 31, 2018 will continue to have their alimony payments deductible to the payor and taxable to the recipient. Meanwhile, those divorced after December 31, 2018 will not get that benefit.

Thus, it is critical that parties contemplating divorce, family law practitioners counseling them, and mediators assisting them understand the changing law and can intelligently weigh the risks and benefits of negotiating and filing for divorce in 2018, while the deductibility and taxability of alimony remains in effect.

Although couples may think they have until year-end before they need to worry about the changes, in Massachusetts, once a divorce is finalized by approval of a Joint Petition for Divorce by a Judge, there is still a 120-day waiting period before the divorce is final.  Therefore, the latest day you can have a hearing on a Joint Petition in Massachusetts to take advantage of tax deductible alimony is Friday, August 31, 2018.

Mediate Your Divorce

Finally, before you file for divorce, consider out-of-court dispute resolution before resorting to litigation. Mediation is a voluntary process that gives you and your spouse control over your divorce and its terms. Mediation allows you to privately discuss all aspects of your divorce, go over different options, and decide what is best for you and your family. Armed with the knowledge gained from discussion, you can easily write terms that work for you and give you flexibility when and where you want it.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

July 16, 2018 UPDATE

Recently, a client's attorney advised him that, contrary to my writing that the latest day you can have a hearing on a Joint Petition in Massachusetts to take advantage of tax deductible alimony is Friday, August 31, 2018, "only the judge's signature is required before the December 31, 2018  deadline, and the waiting period could roll into 2019 without affecting the tax deductible alimony payments."

I believe that the confusion, if you will, is because the IRS has not issued specific guidance on how they are going to interpret the language of the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, specifically the language around alimony. 

The law says “ … divorce or separation instruments that are executed after December 31, 2018.”  Fellow mediators and financial planners that I know and trust have interpreted “executed” as meaning “come into legal existence due to a court order.”  Thus, because of the waiting period in Massachusetts (which, by the way, differs from state to state) they have counseled that the divorce must be final by December 31, which means signed by a judge by August 31.

In the absence of guidance from the IRA I am taking a conservative approach in that I would much prefer to be positive that decisions my clients make will hold up to an IRS decision than to hope that they will. 

Four Steps for Dividing Marital Property

One of the most important steps in creating a divorce agreement is deciding how you will divide marital (or joint) property. This is called division of assets.

In this excellent blog posting, Joy S. Rosenthal lays out the basic steps:

1. Identify all of the property either spouse owns. You must share detailed information with each other.

2. Value the assets. This is easy for bank and brokerage accounts, but you might have to hire a neutral appraiser to value a business or real estate.

3. Determine whether it is separate or marital property. This depends on a lot of different factors.

4. Distribute the Marital Property.

While dividing up the marital property often seems like an insurmountable task, a qualified attorney will have the resources and training to make sure every detail gets done.

Mediating Your Alimony Agreement - Part 4

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on mediating your alimony agreement.   Yesterday I wrote about how alimony is supposed to work.
 
Alimony Solutions Through Divorce Mediation
 
Although alimony can be emotional, it is also an area that greatly rewards creativity when crafting settlement solutions. Below are just a few of the custom solutions a mediator can help divorcing spouses reach to resolve alimony:

1. Alimony buyouts – In many cases, parties can avoid alimony payments by adjusting the division of marital assets to provide the would-be alimony recipient with a larger share of assets in exchange for waiving the right to receive alimony in the future. Negotiating a fair buyout is an area where an experienced mediator can assist. Calculating buyouts often involves examining how much alimony a spouse could theoretically receive under the ARA, then generating a buyout based on the risk/reward between the certainty of a lump sump buyout and less certain alimony payments made over many years.
2. Child Support vs. Alimony – In cases with unemancipated children, child support and alimony are often competing issues. Depending on how much alimony a spouse could be theoretically entitled to under the ARA, versus how much a party may receive under the Massachusetts Child Support Guidelines, many mediated divorce agreements include custom solutions that balance alimony and child support in the most advantageous way possible.
3. Tax Deductibility – Starting in 2019, alimony will no longer be tax deductible for the paying party. The loss of the deduction will have a significant impact on alimony negotiations – and also creates a race to the finish for spouses seeking to take advantage of the deduction before 2018 ends.

Divorce mediation is uniquely suited to resolving alimony issue because mediation is designed to overcome strong negative emotions, while focusing on creating custom solutions that fit the real-world needs and interests of each spouse. Despite the emotional weight, alimony issues are often best resolved through creative settlements in which each party trades the uncertainty of litigation for a predictable compromise.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Mediating Your Alimony Agreement - Part 3

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on mediating your alimony agreement.   Yesterday I wrote about how alimony is supposed to work.

Discussing Alimony Can Be Emotionally Tense

Unfortunately, the issue of alimony payments can cause emotional tension between spouses because the amount paid – or whether alimony payments need to be paid at all – is determined by factors that may have led to the divorce in the first place. These factors under the ARA can include:

• The current or the potential income of each spouse,
• Contributions, both economic and non-economic, to the marriage,
• The marital lifestyle and the ability of each spouse to maintain it after the divorce, and
• Lost professional opportunities due to the marriage.

Each one of these is a potential landmine for disagreement and negative emotions, because they are often the very source of the disputes that led to the divorce, and now they have to be distilled into a dollar amount for the purposes of support payments. Alimony is also often complicated by the feelings each spouse has how the marriage ended. If one spouse feels he or she dutifully stuck through the marriage – through the good times and bad – only to be left by the other spouse, that is likely to affect both spouses’ perspectives on alimony.

In the end, alimony is highly symbolic. It represents the sacrifices made by both spouses during the marriage. What each spouse gave up, what each spouse put in. A lower-earning spouse may feel he or she sacrificed his or her career for the family, only to told they must fend for themselves financially, long after their professional opportunities dried up. A higher-earning spouse may feel he or she spent the entire marriage supporting the financial needs of the other spouse, only to find that he or she must keep paying – even if lower-earning spouse was the one who chose to end the marriage and file for divorce.

Divorce Mediation Keeps the Focus on the Future

It is very easy, and all too common, for alimony discussions to focus on the past. If one spouse sacrificed professional advancement to enable the other spouse to climb the corporate ladder, the alimony discussion may cause lingering resentment to resurface.

Divorce mediation minimizes these conflicts by keeping the focus on the future, not on what has already been said and done. The whole point of alimony and spousal support is to ensure that both spouses have some financial stability after the divorce.  Divorce mediation recognizes that alimony is not about retribution, but rather making sure that both spouses are able to live comfortably in their post-divorce life.

Tomorrow I'll write about alimony solutions through divorce mediation.

Mediating Your Alimony Agreement - Part 2

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on mediating your alimony agreement.   Yesterday I wrote about why former spouses sometimes need alimony.

How is alimony supposed to work?

Gender is often a red herring in discussions about alimony. The alimony debate is often framed as husbands vs. wives, but the real issue is simply a matter of earnings. When one spouse earns significantly more than the other spouse, alimony is a potential issue in a divorce.

The purpose of alimony is to equalize – to a degree – the post-divorce income levels of spouses, thereby enabling the lower-earning spouse to approach (but perhaps not fully achieve) the lifestyle and station that the spouse enjoyed during the marriage.  By enabling the financially dependent spouse to receive support payments from the higher-earning spouse, both spouses can theoretically enter their post-divorce lives with economic stability.

In Massachusetts, alimony orders are constrained by the Alimony Reform Act (ARA), a 2011 statute that provided a comprehensive alimony framework. The ARA attempts to balance the post-divorce needs of spouses by capping the amount and duration of alimony. Under the ARA, alimony is generally limited to 35% of the difference between the parties’ gross incomes. The 35% “cap” is intended to provide the lower-earning spouse with an opportunity to maintain elements of the marital lifestyle enjoyed during the marriage – while acknowledging that the higher-earning spouse should nevertheless retain the majority of his or her earned income after the divorce.

In terms of duration, the ARA determines how long a spouse will receive alimony based on the length of the marriage. For a 5-year marriage, the ARA limits alimony to 2.5 years (i.e. half of the length of the marriage). For a ten-year marriage, the ARA limits alimony to 6.0 years (i.e. 60% of the length of the marriage). For a 19-year marriage, the ARA limits alimony to 15 years (i.e. 80% of the length of the marriage). For marriages over 20 years, ARA generally only limits the duration of alimony as follows: the paying party reaches federal retirement age, the receiving party remarries or cohabitates with a new partner, or either party dies.

It’s important to note that alimony orders are generally modifiable under Massachusetts law, and that judges are not required to follow the ARA if the facts of a particular case warrant a deviation. It can be difficult to predict the future at the time of a divorce, and the modifiability of future alimony can have a significant impact on negotiations.

Although the ARA provides Massachusetts judges with many guideposts for determining alimony, litigating alimony at trial is often highly unpredictable. Massachusetts appellate decisions are full of examples of Probate and Family Court judges deviating from the ARA in various ways. (Indeed, where the 35% cap is only that – a cap, not a rule – many alimony trials result in orders that are lower than the 35% difference. The point is: litigating alimony is unpredictable.)

Tomorrow I'll cover divorce mediation keeps the focus on the future.

Mediating Your Alimony Agreement - Part 1

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on mediating your alimony agreement. 

Alimony, also known as spousal support, is a major issue that comes up in some divorces. Alimony is among the more contentious issues that arise in Massachusetts divorces. It is also one best divorce-related issues to resolve through mediation.

Alimony is defined under Massachusetts law as “the payment of support from a spouse, who has the ability to pay, to a spouse in need of support for a reasonable length of time, under a court order.”  In many cases, alimony is the most difficult legal issue to resolve without involving a neutral third party, like a mediator or a judge, because alimony is determined by many factors that can prove contentious. It is often said that “the hardest check to write” is an alimony check to a former spouse.

It is precisely because alimony can be source of such heated debate that divorce mediation can be the best way to find a solution.

Why do Former Spouses Sometimes Need Alimony?

In many marriages, each spouse makes different contributions. For many decades, a “traditional” marriage involved a husband working outside to financially support the family, while the wife’s contributions came as a homemaker and through child-rearing. This traditional arrangement often resulted in the wife being completely financially dependent on the husband’s income. If the marriage lasted for many years, this frequently meant that any professional skills the wife possessed early in the marriage could be obsolete by the time of the divorce. Even if wife had the skill and desire to enter the workforce later in life, the years spent at home often degraded her employability, wage history and professional credentials.

For women in a traditional marriage, divorce could be financially catastrophic. Without the husband’s income to rely on, a wife who spent her prime working years at home raising children or homemaking would find herself unable to support herself.

Of course, over the last two decades, the standing of women in the American workplace has changed drastically. Men still out-earn women in the workforce, but the number of women earning bachelor’s degrees now substantially exceeds the number of men graduating from college. Many marriages now feature “dual income home”, where each spouse works. However, even when both spouses work, there is frequently a disparity between each spouse’s earnings.

Indeed, as women have surged in the workplace over the last two decades, it is increasingly common to encounter couples in which the wife significantly out-earns the husband. Moreover, many public opinion polls in recent years suggest that more and more fathers view parenting as central to their identities in ways that fathers from previous generations did not. As a result of these two trends – gains in the workforce by mothers and increased parental roles for fathers – family law attorneys have seen a major increase in divorces in which a stay-at-home father was the equal or primary caregiver for children while a working mother was the primary wage earner. This dynamic has resulted in an increased in shared custody arrangements, more frequent child support payments to fathers, and for spouses without unemancipated children, an increase in former wives paying alimony to their former husbands.

Tomorrow I'll cover how alimony is supposed to work.

Making Co-Parenting Work After a Divorce, Part 5

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on making joint custody - co-parenting - work after a divorce.  Yesterday I offered a second co-parenting tip.

Co-parenting tip 3: Co-parent as a team.

Parenting is full of decisions you’ll have to make with your ex, whether you like each other or not. Cooperating and communicating without blow-ups or bickering makes decision-making far easier on everybody. If you shoot for consistency, geniality, and teamwork with your co-parent, the details of child-rearing decisions tend to fall into place.

Aim for co-parenting consistency

It’s healthy for children to be exposed to different perspectives and to learn to be flexible, but they also need to know they’re living under the same basic set of expectations at each home. Aiming for consistency between your home and your ex’s avoids confusion for your children.

Rules. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same between two households, but if you and your ex-spouse establish generally consistent guidelines, your kids won’t have to bounce back and forth between two radically different disciplinary environments. Important lifestyle rules like homework issues, curfews, and off-limit activities should be followed in both households.

Discipline. Try to follow similar systems of consequences for broken rules, even if the infraction didn’t happen under your roof. So, if your kids have lost TV privileges while at your ex’s house, follow through with the restriction. The same can be done for rewarding good behavior.

Schedule. Where you can, aim for some consistency in your children’s schedules. Making meals, homework, and bedtimes similar can go a long way toward your child’s adjustment to having two homes.

Making important decisions as co-parents

Major decisions need to be made by both you and your ex. Being open, honest, and straightforward about important issues is crucial to both your relationship with your ex and your children’s well-being.

Medical needs. Whether you decide to designate one parent to communicate primarily with health care professionals or attend medical appointments together, keep one another in the loop.

Education. Be sure to let the school know about changes in your child’s living situation. Speak with your ex ahead of time about class schedules, extra-curricular activities, and parent-teacher conferences, and be polite to each other at school or sports events.

Financial issues. The cost of maintaining two separate households can strain your attempts to be effective co-parents. Set a realistic budget and keep accurate records for shared expenses. Be gracious if your ex provides opportunities for your children that you cannot provide.

Resolving co-parenting disagreements

As you co-parent, you and your ex are bound to disagree over certain issues. Keep the following in mind as you try to reach a consensus.

Respect can go a long way. Simple manners should be the foundation for co-parenting. Being considerate and respectful includes letting your ex know about school events, being flexible about your schedule when possible, and taking their opinion seriously.

Keep talking. If you disagree about something important, you will need to continue communicating. Never discuss your differences of opinions with or in front of your child. If you still can’t agree, you may need to talk to a third party, like a therapist or mediator.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you disagree about important issues like a medical surgery or choice of school for your child, by all means keep the discussion going. But if you want your child in bed by 7:30 and your ex says 8:00, let it go and save your energy for the bigger issues.

Compromise. Yes, you will need to come around to your ex spouse’s point of view as often as he or she comes around to yours. It may not always be your first choice, but compromise allows you both to “win” and makes both of you more likely to be flexible in the future.

Making Co-Parenting Work After a Divorce, Part 4

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on making joint custody - co-parenting - work after a divorce.  Yesterday I offered a first co-parenting tip.

Co-parenting tip 2: Improve communication with your co-parent.

Peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with your ex is essential to the success of co-parenting—even though it may seem absolutely impossible. It all begins with your mindset. Think about communication with your ex as having the highest purpose: your child’s well-being. Before contact with your ex, ask yourself how your talk will affect your child, and resolve to conduct yourself with dignity. Make your child the focal point of every discussion you have with your ex-partner.
Remember that it isn’t always necessary to meet your ex in person—speaking over the phone or exchanging texts or emails is fine for the majority of conversations. The goal is to establish conflict-free communication, so see which type of contact works best for you.

Co-parenting communication methods

However you choose to communicate, the following methods can help you initiate and maintain effective communication:

Set a business-like tone. Approach the relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your children’s well-being. Speak or write to your ex as you would a colleague—with cordiality, respect, and neutrality. Relax and talk slowly.

Make requests. Instead of making statements, which can be misinterpreted as demands, try framing as much as you can as requests. Requests can begin "Would you be willing to…?" or “Can we try…?”

Listen. Communicating with maturity starts with listening. Even if you end up disagreeing with the other parent, you should at least be able to convey to your ex that you’ve understood their point of view. And listening does not signify approval, so you won’t lose anything by allowing your ex to voice his or her opinions.

Show restraint. Keep in mind that communicating with one another is going to be necessary for the length of your children's entire childhood—if not longer. You can train yourself to not overreact to your ex, and over time you can become numb to the buttons they try to push.

Commit to meeting/talking consistently. Though it may be extremely difficult in the early stages, frequent communication with your ex will convey the message to your children that you and your co-parent are a united front.

Keep conversations kid-focused. Never let a discussion with your ex-partner digress into a conversation about your needs or their needs; it should always be about your child's needs only.

Quickly relieve stress in the moment. It may seem impossible to stay calm when dealing with a difficult ex-spouse who’s hurt you in the past or has a real knack for pushing your buttons. But by practicing quick stress relief techniques, you can learn to stay in control when the pressure builds.

Tomorrow I'll offer a third co-parenting tip.

Making Co-Parenting Work After a Divorce, Part 3

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on making joint custody - co-parenting - work after a divorce.  Yesterday I covered he benefits of co-parenting to your children.

Co-parenting tip 1: Set hurt and anger aside.
Successful co-parenting means that your own emotions—any anger, resentment, or hurt—must take a back seat to the needs of your children. Admittedly, setting aside such strong feelings may be the hardest part of learning to work cooperatively with your ex, but it’s also perhaps the most vital. Co-parenting is not about your feelings, or those of your ex-spouse, but rather about your child’s happiness, stability, and future well-being.

Separating feelings from behavior

It’s okay to be hurt and angry, but your feelings don’t have to dictate your behavior. Instead, let what’s best for your kids—you working cooperatively with the other parent—motivate your actions.

Get your feelings out somewhere else. Never vent to your child. Friends, therapists, or even a loving pet can all make good listeners when you need to get negative feelings off your chest. Exercise can also be a healthy outlet for letting off steam.

Stay kid-focused. If you feel angry or resentful, try to remember why you need to act with purpose and grace: your child’s best interests are at stake. If your anger feels overwhelming, looking at a photograph of your child may help you calm down.
Don't put your children in the middle

You may never completely lose all of your resentment or bitterness about your break up, but what you can do is compartmentalize those feelings and remind yourself that they are your issues, not your child's. Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children.

Never use kids as messengers. When you use your children to convey messages to your co-parent, it puts them in the center of your conflict. The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship issues, so call or email your ex directly.

Keep your issues to yourself. Never say negative things about your ex to your children, or make them feel like they have to choose. Your child has a right to a relationship with their other parent that is free of your influence.

Tomorrow I'll offer the second co-parenting tip.

Making Co-Parenting Work After a Divorce, Part 2

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on making joint custody - co-parenting - work after a divorce.  Yesterday I covered what co-parenting is.

The key to successful co-parenting is to separate the personal relationship with your ex from the co-parenting relationship. It may be helpful to start thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one—one that is entirely about the well-being of your children, and not about either of you. Your marriage may be over, but your family is not; doing what is best for your kids is your most important priority. The first step to being a mature, responsible co-parent is to always put your children's needs ahead of your own.

Benefits for your children.
Through your co-parenting partnership, your kids should recognize that they are more important than the conflict that ended your marriage—and understand that your love for them will prevail despite changing circumstances. Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative relationship:

• Feel secure. When confident of the love of both parents, kids adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and new living situations, and have better self-esteem.
• Benefit from consistency. Co-parenting fosters similar rules, discipline, and rewards between households, so children know what to expect, and what’s expected of them.
• Better understand problem solving. Children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems themselves.
• Have a healthy example to follow. By cooperating with the other parent, you are establishing a life pattern your children can carry into the future to build and maintain stronger relationships.
• Are mentally and emotionally healthier. Children exposed to conflict between co-parents are more likely to develop issues such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD.

Tomorrow I'll offer the first co-parenting tip.

Making Co-Parenting Work After a Divorce, Part 1

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on making joint custody - co-parenting work after a divorce. 

Co-parenting after a split is rarely easy, especially if you have a contentious relationship with your ex-partner. You may be concerned about your ex’s parenting abilities, stressed about child support or other financial issues, feel worn down by conflict, or think you’ll never be able to overcome all the resentments in your relationship. But co-parenting amicably with your ex can give your children the stability, security, and close relationships with both parents they need. For the sake of your kids’ well-being, it is possible for you to overcome co-parenting challenges and develop a cordial working relationship with your ex. With these tips, you can remain calm, stay consistent, and resolve conflicts to make joint custody work and enable your kids to thrive.

What is co-parenting?

Unless your family has faced serious issues such as domestic violence or substance abuse, co-parenting—having both parents play an active role in their children’s daily lives—is the best way to ensure all your kids’ needs are met and they are able to retain close relationships with both parents. Research suggests that the quality of the relationship between co-parents can also have a strong influence on the mental and emotional well-being of children, and the incidence of anxiety and depression. Of course, putting aside relationship issues, especially after an acrimonious split, to co-parent agreeably can be easier said than done.

Joint custody arrangements can be exhausting, infuriating, and fraught with stress. It can be extremely difficult to get past the painful history you may have with your ex and overcome built-up resentments. Making shared decisions, interacting with each another at drop-offs, or just speaking to a person you’d rather forget all about can seem like impossible tasks. Despite the many challenges, though, it is possible to develop an amicable working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children.

Tomorrow I'll cover the benefits to your children of making co-parenting work.

Issues Specific To A "Grey Divorce"

Grey Divorce typically refers to older adults who, in their 50s, 60s and older, are divorcing their spouses.  Research reveals that the divorce rate for this age group has spiked significantly over the past twenty years with the divorce rate nearly 25%, with half of those divorces occurring in long-term first marriages.

Certainly, at any age, divorce can have a devastating financial impact on a couple. But while younger people still have time in the future to rebuild their savings and assets, older divorced people do not. Thus, in a Gray Divorce, it is especially incumbent upon the parties to understand their financial needs and the ramifications of the decisions they make when dividing their assets.

A few of the most important issues that need to be addressed include:

Retirement Assets - For divorcing adults over age 60, retirement assets are frequently the largest assets of the marriage. In a long-term marriage, these assets will most likely be shared equally. To accomplish this, a legal document called a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) will need to be prepared and included with the other divorce documents that are filed with the court.

The Marital Home - The marital home is also one of the largest assets of divorcing older adults, especially if, at this stage, the couple has fully paid off their mortgage. The couple needs to decide whether they will sell the house, or whether one will keep it and buy out the other.

Social Security Benefits - The rules for a stay-at-home or lower-earning spouse to receive Social Security benefits based upon the higher-earning spouse’s benefits are very complicated. It’s very important to get expert advice and determine the potential amount the lower-earning spouse may be entitled to.

Health Insurance - Any health insurance benefits a spouse receives from the other spouse’s health insurance may end upon divorce. Gray Divorce couples may decide to legally separate and sign their settlement agreement, but not proceed with the divorce filing itself until the non-covered spouse reaches the age of 65, at which time he or she is eligible for Medicare coverage.

Spousal Support - Massachusetts has guidelines for a spouse to receive support (also called maintenance) after the couple is divorced. Especially in a Gray Divorce situation, the parties need to consider the ability for each to have sufficient financial means post-divorce.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.