5 Ways to Strengthen Your Bond with Your Teen After Divorce

Unlike younger children, teens are more likely to take sides during and after a divorce. It’s not difficult to understand why this happens.

Teenaged children have been around the family dynamic longer than their younger siblings. They have more “history” with both parents and may have been favoring one over the other for quite some time. When a divorce comes into play, it may be quite natural for teens to align themselves with the parent who seems easiest to “get on with,” so to speak.

Their decision is impacted by many factors and questions. Does this parent grant me favors? Are they more tolerant of my behavior? Have they been the “good” parent in the marriage? Will they give me a better home life in the future? Do they have more money to spend on my desires? Do they have more power in the divorce equation? Will they assure I get to stay in the same neighborhood with my friends? Will they get me a car or other things I want? Will they be more lenient than my other parent?

The combination of attaining material needs along with ego gratification needs often propels teens to align with one parent over the other. This is especially true when one parent has more power or affluence than the other. Sometimes abusive parents “win” the favor of teens as a survival strategy, even when the abused parent is more loving and nurturing to them.

In this excellent blog posting, Rosalind Sedacca offers 5 strategies to strengthen your bond with your teen.

If you’re overwhelmed or confused, I highly recommend seeking out a support system — a therapist, divorce group or coach – to help you unravel your challenges. A professional will help you step up to taking the “high road” on an issue, even when it’s not always fair to you. Keep in mind the choices you make today will affect your relationship with your teenager for decades to come.

So think before you act. Focus on your deep love for your child. And remember, he or she didn’t create this tremendous life-altering experience. You and your spouse did. The kids are always innocent. An adolescent is not emotionally prepared for handling this drama, so give your teen some slack and also step up to being the mature, reasonable adult.

50/50 Parenting Time: Is This What’s Best for Children?

In recent years, there has been a definite shift toward parents wanting to have equal parenting time with their children after a divorce. In fact, many states have already adopted co-parenting as the default arrangement in child custody cases, putting the burden of proof on either party to show that this arrangement is not in the best interests of the child. While 50/50 parenting may sound great in theory – the children get to be with both parents for an equal amount of time during the year – in practice, it may not always be the best arrangement for the parties involved.

Equal parenting is a wonderful concept, and proponents of this arrangement are well-intentioned. The idea behind it is that kids are always better off when both parents are heavily involved in their lives. And 50/50 parenting seeks to replicate, as much as possible, what it would have been like for the children had the parents stayed together.

There are unintended consequences of the co-parenting arrangement, however, and careful consideration needs to be given to each family’s unique circumstances before going down this road. As a divorce mediator, I work very closely with my clients to thoroughly examine all important factors to help determine if this arrangement really makes sense for their situation.

In this excellent blog posting, Roseann Vanella writes about how 50/50 parenting works and some potential problems with 50/50 parenting.

Though 50/50 parenting arrangements can work well in some instances, there are other cases in which it is not the best approach. For parents, it is important to focus on the needs of their children, rather than asserting their “rights” or meeting their own emotional or financial needs. There is no “one size fits all” approach that is best for everyone, and this is where mediation can be very helpful.

With divorce mediation, parents work together in a cooperative rather than combative environment to reach the settlement that works best for them. This helps eliminate the “I win you lose” mindset, shifting the focus to win-win settlements that benefit everyone. And with the mediation process, parents are in control of the final outcome, rather than the courts. This allows them to come up with more unique and creative approaches that better fit their specific situation.

 

It’s no secret. One of the biggest challenges a parent faces after divorce is having healthy communication with your children. All parents struggle with communication issues as their children grow. However, children who have had their lives dramatically altered by separation or divorce need even more attention. And diligent observation by their parents.

Children tend not to tell you when they are angry, resentful, confused, hurt or depressed. Instead they reflect their problems through their behavior. Often that means acting out or perhaps turning inward in ways you hadn’t experienced prior to the divorce.

That’s why you must do all you can to encourage positive and productive communication between you and your children. It’s easy to overlook what can seem to be obvious bonding behaviors. Or to forget to pay attention amid the challenges you are juggling in your own life on a daily basis.

However, this is crucially important: Take time to see the world through your children’s eyes before making any decisions. That process alone will help you to better meet their needs. Equally important, you’ll be better prepared to understand their confusion, sadness or aggression. And that will support you in finding appropriate ways to dissolve tension through your conversations and caring behaviors.

In this excellent blog posting, Rosalind Sedacca offers some useful tips for improving your communication efforts

Mindset Matters in Divorce: How to Go from Scarcity to Abundance

Every sports or business coach will tell you that mindset matters. Your mindset determines, to a large extent, whether you win or lose; whether you fail or succeed. It determines whether you’re happy or you’re miserable.

Yet somehow, when it comes to divorce, most people think that their mindset doesn’t matter. That is … if they think about their mindset at all.

The truth is that when you’re going through a divorce thinking about your “mindset” isn’t very high on your list of priorities. You’re much more worried about figuring out whether you can pay your bills and when you’re going to see your kids than you are about whether or not you’ve got a the right mindset.

In this excellent blog posting, Karen Covy writes about how, if you and your spouse can be a little open-minded and operate from a mindset of abundance rather than fear, you can create a win/win situation in your divorce, instead of a win/lose one. (… or a lose/lose situation, which happens way too often!)

You can expand your marital “pie” so that when you divide it, you both end up with more than you would have if you fought to the death trying to get the whole pie for yourself.

But you can’t possibly do that if you’re scared out of your minds and your brain is caught in a negative scarcity loop.

That’s why your mindset matters so much. Having the right mindset can literally change your divorce.

The Best Way to Decide Who Gets the House in a Divorce

 

If you’ve ever owned a house that you love, you understand on a gut level that your house is more than a bunch of bricks and shingles. It’s more than just a place to live. Your house is your home. It represents stability, security, and status. It’s probably also one of the biggest assets you have.  It’s no wonder then that so many couples do battle over who gets the house in a divorce.

But should they?

Why Does Keeping the House in a Divorce Matter So Much?

Different people have different reasons for wanting to be the one who gets the house in a divorce.

Parents often want to keep the house for their kids. They don’t want their kids to be uprooted at the same time that their family is falling apart. Or they want to make sure they stay in the same school district so that their kids can stay in the same schools.

Spouses without high-paying jobs often want to keep the house because they know that they probably won’t be able to buy a home on their own after a divorce. They wouldn’t qualify for a mortgage. So keeping the marital home may be the only way they can realistically own a home.

Some people want to keep their house because of its financial value. If their house is unique or is in a super desirable area, they may assume it will increase in value. So they want to keep it as an asset. (Although, before you make that assumption, remember what happened in 2008!)

Still other people want to keep their house for less tangible reasons.  Their house may be filled with happy memories. It may be in a neighborhood where they have a lot of friends. Or, if they’ve put a lot of work into their house, they may think of it as “their baby.” Letting go of that baby can be incredibly hard.

No reason for keeping the house in a divorce is necessarily right or wrong. No one reason is better or worse than another.

But, no matter what your reason for wanting to keep the house may be, before you make that decision, you’ve got to ask yourself some important questions.

In this excellent blog posting, Karen Covey writes about questions to ask BEFORE You decide who gets the house in a divorce.