Falmouth Mediation

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Divorce Can Be a Good Thing

In this excellent blog posting Tara Eisenhard writes about how families should evolve, not dissolve, through the process of divorce.

Society really doesn’t like divorce. Cultural jargon to describe the event includes words such as “failure” and “broken home.” It’s no wonder people who separate often suffer from a deep sense of shame. Personal shame then ignites a campaign of blame against the ex. Confusion and a desire for self-preservation drive individuals to retain separate lawyers and go to war in a courtroom. In the process, a couple surrenders all power as paid strangers make life-altering decisions for families in pain.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Families can evolve instead of dissolve, and the courtroom arena is an unnecessary option in the process. It’s all a matter of attitude and approach.

A good attitude is the most important factor. We can choose to be victims or heroes. We can view divorce as a miserable failure or a welcome turn on the path of life. We can regard the ex as a partner in the process or an enemy to be destroyed. A positive attitude will lead to a more peaceful and productive separation.

A mindful approach is possible even when a good attitude is lacking. The road to a good divorce lies in the principles of what Eisenhard calls “the GOOD Divorce™:”

G is for Goals. If possible, it’s best for separating couples to agree on a few goals to achieve together. This ensures they will continue to work as partners in the process. An easy goal to set together is for both to agree they want a divorce. They might also agree to a cost limit or timeframe in which to attain the goal. Personal goals are also a good idea. Where will you live? Do you want to get a new job? A new car? Would you like to save a certain amount of money each month?

O is for Observation. The divorce process always brings confusion, conflicting emotions and a cascade of disagreements. Expect this, and refrain from reaction. Instead, and without judgment, observe the situation. Watch your emotions without identifying. Listen to your ex without immediately firing back.

O is also for Options. Consider all options before taking action. This principle applies equally to individual arguments as well as the terms of your final divorce agreement. Wait until any emotional storms have passed and then think rationally about all opportunities and consequences before determining what to do next.

D is for Dignity. If you’ve set goals, carefully observed all options and made responsible choices along the way, chances are your dignity is still intact. Remember to also do your best to preserve your children’s dignity, and that means you don’t denigrate their DNA by talking negatively about their other parent. It’s not the easiest thing, but a dignified approach is usually more productive than playing dirty.

Sometimes divorce is the best solution to a serious problem. While the process can be stressful, it doesn’t have to be ugly. To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159

508-566-4159 to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Friday, March 7, 2014

6 Tips for Resolving Conflicts

In this excellent blog posting Susan Ingram presents six basic tips for resolving conflict in a positive and constructive manner:

1. Be open to a different perspective. Instead of immediately proceeding to “combat mode” – where everything is represented as being either black or white – try to understand that there may be shades of gray. Your side of the story is not necessarily the only version. It helps to at least try to see the problem from the other person’s perspective.

2. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. With an “I” statement, you are telling the other person what is going on with you. With a “you” statement, you are placing blame on the other person and making him or her feel defensive. So, for example, it’s better to say, “I need help preparing the kids for bed” instead of “You never help put the kids to bed.”

3. Focus on interests, not positions. Positions are rigid and do not look at the underlying needs of both parties. Interests, instead, get to the heart of the matter and address a person’s true needs and concerns. For instance, if you have a need for autonomy and independence, there may be a way to structure your involvement in a work project that honors that need, and also holds you accountable to the group.

4. Look forward, not back. Try not to get entangled in the old history and grievances between you and the other party. That will keep you stuck in the past and unable to resolve your issues. If you concentrate on how things can be better going forward, you’re more likely to come up with a viable solution.

5. Explore options together. Be open to there being a number of choices/options that could benefit both parties to the discussion. Be creative and open-minded as you look at various approaches and solutions.

6. Listen to what the other person has to say. That means really hearing their words, having good eye contact and being inquisitive about what they’re saying. Too often, we’re so busy framing our own rebuttal that we don’t truly hear what’s been said. Pay attention and be totally present to the conversation.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Grey Divorce: 4 Mistakes That Can Affect Retirement

Grey couples are divorcing now more than ever.

The divorce rate among 49- to 67-year-olds has grown more than 50 percent according to the latest statistics. And, unfortunately, many of these newly-single baby boomers lose much of their retirement in wake of divorce.

According to a recent article at Forbes, silver couples are warned that if the right steps aren’t taken to secure financial futures in the wake of a divorce, you may be stuck with reduced income or even a part-time job in your sunset years.

The latest study at ING found that divorced people are less financially prepared when it comes to retirement versus married couples. On average, divorcees saved $11,000 less for retirement than their married counterparts.

Retirement is an ongoing fear most couples have in divorce proceedings. Women fear being able to afford retirement in general while men fear it will be delayed.

In this excellent article, Nancy Fagan, writes about how retirement can be preserved when you make the right financial decisions with the help of a divorce mediator. When it comes to divorce, a mediator aims for mutual collaboration and can be far more productive in splitting assets so no one gets left out in the dust.

Nancy suggests:

DON’T GET BLINDED BY REAL ESTATE

While it’s true that real estate is likely to be one of the more valuable financial assets in a divorce, it isn’t the end-all when it comes to dividing up personal property. Compared to retirement savings such as a 401(K) or IRA, real estate can be a risky asset considering future of values are unknown and unexpected expenses are sure to be a part of the equation.

When divvying up assets, be sure to consider the potential appreciation of the home compared to financial assets in a 401(K) or IRA. In some cases, depending on the market, the retirement funds could be a more predictable choice.

DON’T IGNORE TAX IMPLICATIONS

Assets like a 401(K) and IRAs have tax implications when money is withdrawn. On the other hand, Roth IRAs aren’t taxed when funds are withdrawn since money is already pre-taxed. If one person receives a Roth IRA and another receives a 401(K), those assets may not be equal due to tax implications. This difference can be critical to divvying up assets, especially if in light of withdrawing funds.

DON’T (NECESSARILY) ROLLOVER MONEY

In some cases, you may want to withdraw money from a retirement account as opposed to rolling it into an IRA. Under the qualified domestic relations order (QDRO), an individual under age 59 ½ can withdraw money from an ex-spouse’s 401(K) or 403(b) without the 10 percent tax penalty. Withdrawing funds in this case may end up being a better choice as opposed to rolling cash over to an IRA, especially as unexpected expenses arise through the divorce process.

DON’T WITHDRAW TOO MUCH

Individuals who qualify under the QRDO act tend to withdraw too much money “just in case.” Try not to take out too much money if you can help it – preplanning your next 2 to 3 years can help you determine the right amount of cash. Remember, you’ll need to eventually live off this money for 20 to 30 years. It may be tempting to take out a large sum now, but the complications of withdrawing too much money will catch up to you eventually. Be conservative if you can.

DO MEDIATE!

Navigating through rough waters is sometimes a part of divorce; but it doesn’t have to be that bad. In many cases, divorce, when done by way of mediation, is by far more productive in terms of divvying assets. Mediation doesn’t depend on intimidation to get the best result for either party; therefore, both individuals end up feeling good about the final result. Mediation ensures that both individuals come out on top so retirement isn’t compromised – and that’s a win-win for everyone.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159

Monday, March 3, 2014

Lifesaving Implants Complicate Eno-of-Life Care

Two weeks ago I wrote about an article in The New York Times about one medical reality that few people are facing up to is what to do with their cardiac devices.

Today’s Boson Globe has a similar article; Lifesaving implants complicate end-of-life care.

With more than 100,000 defibrillators and at least twice as many pacemakers implanted in aging patients in the United States each year, what to do with these devices in terminally ill patients is becoming a growing issue. Professional societies have issued calls for physicians to address with patients the issue of when to deactivate a defibrillator or pacemaker — implanted devices that can regularize a too-fast or too-slow heartbeat. However, a recent study found that nearly one-third of patients with defibrillators were still receiving shocks in the last 24 hours of their lives. Additionally, half of patients with a do-not-resuscitate order still had their defibrillators turned on in the final hour before death. That unwanted defibrillator shocks occur at the end of life represents an unintended consequence of the technology’s success.

Dr. Nathan Goldstein, associate professor of geriatrics and palliative medicine at Mount Sinai Medical Center, conducted a study in the early 2000s that revealed that up to 20 percent of patients had received a defibrillator shock in the last days to minutes of their lives. Doctors had discussed deactivating devices in a minority of cases and when they did, these conversations often took place just a few days prior to the patient’s death.

These findings drove Goldstein to study the barriers that prevent these discussions. His team interviewed general cardiologists, electrophysiologists — subspecialized cardiologists who are trained to manage irregular heart rhythms — and internists. The doctors described systemwide issues such as the lack of long-term relationships with patients and sufficient time in the office, and discomfort discussing end-of-life.

“When you start talking about . . . turning it off, then you are sort of shutting off the hope,” one physician said. Additionally, doctors pointed to barriers unique to the ICD, specifically that a small, internal device doesn’t provide a clear physical reminder to prompt a conversation.

“The defibrillator discussion is really hard. You have to get a feel for what a patient’s level of understanding is and where they’re at, because if you’re not nuanced about it you can really mess people up,” said John Mandrola, a Kentucky electrophysiologist and columnist for theHeart.org, who has seen older and sicker patients referred to him for ICD placement in recent years. “We are doing better in terms of how we’re implanting these devices. But we’re not doing better in terms of getting people to understand what to expect from them.”

In the absence of information, patients hesitate. In a separate study of patients with ICDs, participants were not aware that deactivation was an option. When made aware, they did not want to discuss deactivating their ICDs. One patient in the study described deactivation as “like an act of suicide.” When it comes to turning off a pacemaker, which could lead to death even more quickly for someone whose heart is dependent on the pacemaker’s function to beat, some physicians balk, too.

For Goldstein, the challenges that continue to plague cardiac device deactivation — coordination of care between specialists and generalists, discomfort surrounding when to initiate conversations about serious illness and who should have these conversations — are a microcosm of the general problems that plague end-of-life care.

Goldstein has secured funding from the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute for a study across multiple hospitals to improve the frequency and quality of conversations about ICD deactivation. Cardiologists enrolled in the study will attend a training session on how best to communicate with patients. These doctors will receive reminders when a patient coming to the clinic might benefit from advance planning. Researchers will monitor how many conversations occur, the number of ICDs deactivated, and whether this intervention improves mental health outcomes for caregivers.

“Thinking about someone shocked by an ICD at the end of their life is quite graphic. It makes you stop and say, ‘that’s horrible.’ But it’s not just about the ICD,” Goldstein said. “That might be what grabs our attention. But this is about how we improve communication and change clinician behavior in general. That is what we’re struggling with.”

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in family decision making, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159

508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if elder mediation would be beneficial.

3 Ways To Make Mediation Work For You

As a divorce mediator, I speak with many couples who wonder if mediation can really work for them. Concerns range from “what if we don’t get along?” to “do we have to have everything figured out before we come see you?” and everything in between.

The good news is mediation can help most any couple who is willing to voluntarily work together in good faith come to an agreement they both find fair and equitable.

In this blog posting Joe Dillon writes about a number of things you can do to prepare yourself to make mediation work for you.

Be “Future Focused”

There are a number of things that may have brought you to the decision to divorce but the time to be concerned with those old arguments is over. The past is the past and whatever brought you to the decision to divorce should now be replaced with thoughts of “how do I move forward in the most peaceful and cost effective manner possible?”

Because mediation is future focused, it can help you and your spouse focus less on discussing “what went wrong” and more on “where do we go from here?” Answering the questions and gathering the information that will help you craft and agreement you both find fair in your future lives. De-emphasizing where you were and discussing where you want to be is what mediation is all about.

Have Realistic Expectations

Divorce only creates expense – it does not create income. Going from one household to two households sharing that exact same income is only going to make matters more challenging. In mediation we share the facts as difficult as they might be for both of you to hear. Because we work for both of you, we go through a thorough budgeting exercise together so you both see what your expenses while living together were as well as what they might look like once separated. Helping couples have realistic expectations of their lives moving forward allows them to understand the financial realities of their situation so they can come to mutually acceptable agreements on critical issues like child support and alimony.

Negotiate in Good Faith

If you want mediation to work for you it can if you follow one simple rule – be honest with your spouse, your mediator and yourself. In order for mediation to work you need to be willing to fully disclose all assets and liabilities and enter them into discussions. In mediation you both get to decide what your settlement looks like. So if you each fully disclose everything you’ve got and put it all out on the table, mediation can help you each give some to get some and come to an agreement you both find fair.

Of course mediation is a voluntary process and if your spouse isn’t willing to mediate then sorry to say you’re getting lawyers and will have to go the more traditional (i.e. expensive and stressful) route. But if you can follow these three tips, love your children and really want to move forward with your lives, then mediation can definitely work for you.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at

508-566-4159