In this excellent article in yesterday's New York Times, Robert Emery talks about how divorced parents lose their rights to make parenting choices when they delegate to the court.

"Divorced parents (or those who never married) can and do sue each other. Judges routinely decide where the children of divorced parents will attend school, worship and receive medical care; judges may even decide whether they play soccer or take piano lessons.

Instead of telling parents how to bring up their children, we should honor — and encourage — agreements between parents. This change could help us move away from litigation and toward alternative kinds of dispute resolution."

Why You Should Opt for a Mediated Divorce

As in Massachusetts, the family courts in Ontario are backlogged because we’ve been conditioned to believe the divorce process has to be both litigious and expensive.

In this blog posting Gail Val-Oxlade writes why a common-sense, mediated divorce is a good idea:

• It’ll cost 75 per cent less than going to court.
• You will come to an agreement with your ex (who will be your ex for perhaps longer than you were married!)
• Your privacy is maintained. Go to court and your personal information becomes a matter of public record.
• You create a win/win. The separation agreement you come up with can be better tailored to your specific situation.
• There will be less stress on the kids.
• It’s faster. You can take years to get through the courts or be done in half the time with a mediated divorce.
• You matter. You’re not just a file number or a catalyst for billable hours. Getting you through to the next chapter whole and healthy is part of the mediation process.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Parental Conflict is a Source of Continual Pain for our Children

Most mental health professionals have long known: that parental conflict is a source of continual pain for our children – whether the parents are married or divorced!

According to Dr. Mark Goulston,: “A majority of teenagers, when asked if they had the choice between their parents being nicer to them or more loving towards each other, will pick the latter. The animosity between parents is very painful to their children.”

In this excellent blog posting Rosalind Sedacca writes how minding your tongue around your kids can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. However, it is also one of the behaviors that will most benefit your children on a long-term basis. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks hurt and harm your kids. Work on maintaining the best possible relationship with your ex – for the sake of the children.

Fear and Anger During the Divorce Process

For many, the ending of a marriage is filled with a range of emotions.  Most often, in my divorce mediation practice, I see fear and anger.

As David Louis writes in this excellent blog posting, there is often an underlying current of uncertainty. For many, the uncertainly about living on their own, questions about their future resources, and lack of clarity about parental involvement causes strong fear. The spouse who “did not sign up for this divorce” often expresses anger. Even when they’ve accepted the inevitable, there is often a deeply held grudge.

The divorce mediation process gives couples the ability to come to their own shared decisions on parenting, division of assets and debts, and financial support. This clears the fog of uncertainty regarding these key elements. Often, clients who come into mediation feeling angry or afraid seem less consumed by these emotions at the end of the process.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial. 

Children of Divorce ... If You Had Three Wishes ...

It is common for child therapists to ask children for “three wishes”. Children are asked variations of the question “If you had three wishes that would make your family better, what would they be?” And more often than not, the various responses from children of divorce are incredibly similar.

“I wish my parents would get back together again.”
“I wish my parents would act like friends when they are around me.”
“I wish my parents would make me feel like I live in both homes.”

In this excellent blog posting Ann Marie Termini offers suggestions on how to respond to these three most common wishes.

By following these suggestions, you as a parent are taking positive steps to influence the difficult process of divorce for your children. See the divorce from your child’s perspective, and by doing so you will gain a new perspective of how your child is absorbing this big family change. Dedicate yourself to molding happier and healthier child.