Making Co-Parenting Work After a Divorce, Part 3

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on making joint custody - co-parenting - work after a divorce.  Yesterday I covered he benefits of co-parenting to your children.

Co-parenting tip 1: Set hurt and anger aside.
Successful co-parenting means that your own emotions—any anger, resentment, or hurt—must take a back seat to the needs of your children. Admittedly, setting aside such strong feelings may be the hardest part of learning to work cooperatively with your ex, but it’s also perhaps the most vital. Co-parenting is not about your feelings, or those of your ex-spouse, but rather about your child’s happiness, stability, and future well-being.

Separating feelings from behavior

It’s okay to be hurt and angry, but your feelings don’t have to dictate your behavior. Instead, let what’s best for your kids—you working cooperatively with the other parent—motivate your actions.

Get your feelings out somewhere else. Never vent to your child. Friends, therapists, or even a loving pet can all make good listeners when you need to get negative feelings off your chest. Exercise can also be a healthy outlet for letting off steam.

Stay kid-focused. If you feel angry or resentful, try to remember why you need to act with purpose and grace: your child’s best interests are at stake. If your anger feels overwhelming, looking at a photograph of your child may help you calm down.
Don't put your children in the middle

You may never completely lose all of your resentment or bitterness about your break up, but what you can do is compartmentalize those feelings and remind yourself that they are your issues, not your child's. Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children.

Never use kids as messengers. When you use your children to convey messages to your co-parent, it puts them in the center of your conflict. The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship issues, so call or email your ex directly.

Keep your issues to yourself. Never say negative things about your ex to your children, or make them feel like they have to choose. Your child has a right to a relationship with their other parent that is free of your influence.

Tomorrow I'll offer the second co-parenting tip.

Making Co-Parenting Work After a Divorce, Part 2

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on making joint custody - co-parenting - work after a divorce.  Yesterday I covered what co-parenting is.

The key to successful co-parenting is to separate the personal relationship with your ex from the co-parenting relationship. It may be helpful to start thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one—one that is entirely about the well-being of your children, and not about either of you. Your marriage may be over, but your family is not; doing what is best for your kids is your most important priority. The first step to being a mature, responsible co-parent is to always put your children's needs ahead of your own.

Benefits for your children.
Through your co-parenting partnership, your kids should recognize that they are more important than the conflict that ended your marriage—and understand that your love for them will prevail despite changing circumstances. Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative relationship:

• Feel secure. When confident of the love of both parents, kids adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and new living situations, and have better self-esteem.
• Benefit from consistency. Co-parenting fosters similar rules, discipline, and rewards between households, so children know what to expect, and what’s expected of them.
• Better understand problem solving. Children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems themselves.
• Have a healthy example to follow. By cooperating with the other parent, you are establishing a life pattern your children can carry into the future to build and maintain stronger relationships.
• Are mentally and emotionally healthier. Children exposed to conflict between co-parents are more likely to develop issues such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD.

Tomorrow I'll offer the first co-parenting tip.

Making Co-Parenting Work After a Divorce, Part 1

This week I'm writing a series of blog postings on making joint custody - co-parenting work after a divorce. 

Co-parenting after a split is rarely easy, especially if you have a contentious relationship with your ex-partner. You may be concerned about your ex’s parenting abilities, stressed about child support or other financial issues, feel worn down by conflict, or think you’ll never be able to overcome all the resentments in your relationship. But co-parenting amicably with your ex can give your children the stability, security, and close relationships with both parents they need. For the sake of your kids’ well-being, it is possible for you to overcome co-parenting challenges and develop a cordial working relationship with your ex. With these tips, you can remain calm, stay consistent, and resolve conflicts to make joint custody work and enable your kids to thrive.

What is co-parenting?

Unless your family has faced serious issues such as domestic violence or substance abuse, co-parenting—having both parents play an active role in their children’s daily lives—is the best way to ensure all your kids’ needs are met and they are able to retain close relationships with both parents. Research suggests that the quality of the relationship between co-parents can also have a strong influence on the mental and emotional well-being of children, and the incidence of anxiety and depression. Of course, putting aside relationship issues, especially after an acrimonious split, to co-parent agreeably can be easier said than done.

Joint custody arrangements can be exhausting, infuriating, and fraught with stress. It can be extremely difficult to get past the painful history you may have with your ex and overcome built-up resentments. Making shared decisions, interacting with each another at drop-offs, or just speaking to a person you’d rather forget all about can seem like impossible tasks. Despite the many challenges, though, it is possible to develop an amicable working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children.

Tomorrow I'll cover the benefits to your children of making co-parenting work.

Issues Specific To A "Grey Divorce"

Grey Divorce typically refers to older adults who, in their 50s, 60s and older, are divorcing their spouses.  Research reveals that the divorce rate for this age group has spiked significantly over the past twenty years with the divorce rate nearly 25%, with half of those divorces occurring in long-term first marriages.

Certainly, at any age, divorce can have a devastating financial impact on a couple. But while younger people still have time in the future to rebuild their savings and assets, older divorced people do not. Thus, in a Gray Divorce, it is especially incumbent upon the parties to understand their financial needs and the ramifications of the decisions they make when dividing their assets.

A few of the most important issues that need to be addressed include:

Retirement Assets - For divorcing adults over age 60, retirement assets are frequently the largest assets of the marriage. In a long-term marriage, these assets will most likely be shared equally. To accomplish this, a legal document called a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) will need to be prepared and included with the other divorce documents that are filed with the court.

The Marital Home - The marital home is also one of the largest assets of divorcing older adults, especially if, at this stage, the couple has fully paid off their mortgage. The couple needs to decide whether they will sell the house, or whether one will keep it and buy out the other.

Social Security Benefits - The rules for a stay-at-home or lower-earning spouse to receive Social Security benefits based upon the higher-earning spouse’s benefits are very complicated. It’s very important to get expert advice and determine the potential amount the lower-earning spouse may be entitled to.

Health Insurance - Any health insurance benefits a spouse receives from the other spouse’s health insurance may end upon divorce. Gray Divorce couples may decide to legally separate and sign their settlement agreement, but not proceed with the divorce filing itself until the non-covered spouse reaches the age of 65, at which time he or she is eligible for Medicare coverage.

Spousal Support - Massachusetts has guidelines for a spouse to receive support (also called maintenance) after the couple is divorced. Especially in a Gray Divorce situation, the parties need to consider the ability for each to have sufficient financial means post-divorce.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

What Makes for Successful Co-Parenting After Divorce?

Whenever parents seek advice about helping their children adjust to the fallout of divorce, they are, more often then not, instructed about what not to do rather than provided with useful ideas about how to behave in a positive manner to the benefit of their children. They are typically told: “Don’t put your children in the middle of conflict between you and your ex”; or, “Don’t badmouth the other parent.” Although such advice has its place, it nevertheless assumes a deficit perspective in relation to divorcing parents, and overlooks parents’ good faith efforts and capacity to do the best for their children, given a little support. Many such prescriptions also fall short in regard to offering concrete, practical steps that parents can take to enable their children to not only cope with the divorce, but flourish in its aftermath.

In this article, Edward Kruk offers the following principles in the spirit that parents have the strengths, capacities and abilities to help children through the difficult transitions attendant to divorce, and will be able do the best for their children with concrete, practical support.

1.  Be there for your children, both physically and emotionally.
2. Talk with your children about the divorce.
3. Let children be children.
4. Support the other parent’s role and relationship with your children.
5. Speak about and act in a respectful manner toward the other parent, especially in front of your children.
6. Wherever possible, maintain open communication channels with the other parent.
7. Maintain your child’s community of support.
8. Educate yourself about children’s needs, co-parenting options, and community resources.
9. Seek out formal and informal sources of co-parenting support.
10. Maintain your own health and well-being as a priority.