Is Mediation Right for You? Here's Everything You Need to Know

Are you asking this type of questions?

• What's the role of mediator?
• How does mediation work?
• What are the advantages of mediation?
• What can be mediated?
• How to prepare for a successful mediation?

This excellent article from Mediator Select gives you detailed and to point answers. You don't need to google many websites. 

Here's what's covered:

• What is Alternative Dispute Resolution?
• Mediation Defined
• The Role of the a Mediator
• The Benefits of Mediation
• How Mediation works – What to Expect
• What Can be Mediated?
• How to Prepare for Mediation
• Conclusion

https://abelqdros.com/qdro-calculating-a-pensions-present-value/

When someone has a monthly pension, sometimes they would like to keep that pension for themselves and pay the other spouse the cash value. Trying to understand the cash value of a monthly pension is one of the trickiest aspects of divorce mediation and most definitely is not an exact science.

As Steven Able writes in this excellent blog posting, generally speaking, most people who evaluate pensions to develop what is called a “present value,” use computer programs that take into account many factors. The general idea is to figure out how much money you would have to have in a bank account to produce interest that would pay the same amount as the pension pays each month. This is then complicated by the fact that the pension does not pay forever. It stops when the pensioner passes away.


The end result is a number which can then be used to trade off against other assets. Just to get an idea of what these numbers look like — for the $50,000 a year pension, the present value for a 45-year-old who could retire at the age of 65, would be about $380,500. If the same person was 60 years old and could retire at 65, the value would be about $617,600.

For some couples, this is a great way to go because it creates a finite ending in which they are no longer involved with each other financially in any way. Other people are not willing to give up their rights to a pension, and still, others are not willing to pay the price of giving up their right to a pension when they don’t know how long they are going to collect.

Whether or not a given couple is going to need a present value computation is a question that has to be decided, usually before paying the price for having it done. The fees for present value calculations are usually in the $500 range.

The Need for Budgets in Divorce Mediation

Budget preparation, even in the best of times, is not exactly an enjoyable task that people look forward to. Yet, it’s something that is absolutely imperative when a couple is separating or divorcing.

As Susan Ingram writes in this excellent article, most of the decisions during divorce mediation - child support, spousal support, equitable distribution of assets and liabilities - have a strong monetary/financial aspect to them. And that’s why it’s essential that couples prepare and review their budgets early in the process. Of course, it’s easier to do that if a couple is already living apart and thus has a clearer sense of what their individual expenses actually are. But even if they have not yet separated their households and finances, they still need to begin the process of projecting what their individual expenses will be.

Keep in mind that these discussions and negotiations take place in a mediation setting between the individual parties — not as a litigated matter in court before a judge. Mediation provides a unique setting that encourages couples to work together for the benefit of the whole family.

Helping Divorcing Couples Divide Belongings

The technique used by most divorcing couples for dividing furnishings and personal belongings is simple. The parties create a master list of items, grouped in a logical way (such as “dining room chairs go with dining room table”). Each party puts a check mark next to the items he or she wants, and then the lists are compared. If there are items neither party wants, those items are offered to a charity, friends or relatives or they are sold.

Then the parties decide who gets the items that both parties want by simply doing some “horse trading” (“how about if you take items A, B and C, and I’ll get items D, E and F?”) For most divorcing spouses, this technique is sufficient.

In high-conflict cases, however, more formal mechanisms, such as those listed by David A. Hoffman here, are sometimes needed.

Sometimes the parties will select one of these processes. They are all interesting, useful and clever.

More often than not, the tired spouses will say, “Really? Do we really have to do this?” Most of the time, they will then figure out how to swallow enough pride and hurt to adopt their own “good enough” solution, which is usually good enough to end this unique form of pain.

The Children’s Bill of Rights

Many of the couples I see in my divorce mediation practice have children. Not surprisingly, I find that some parents are more able than others to keep their conflict separate from their relationship with the children. Understandably, this is no small feat, given all of the emotions, anxieties and fears that can arise during this challenging transition from married to separated/divorced.

One of my goals throughout the mediation process is to help parents understand that the way they move through their conflict may affect their children’s lives – even years after a divorce is finalized. The results can be very damaging if one or both of the parents is very bitter or angry and continues to be so post-divorce.

I check in with my couples during each session to see how they’re doing generally – and also to ask how their kids are doing. Then, of course, when we’re discussing the specifics of the parenting arrangements and custody, I help them address the issues that come up based upon what’s best for their children.

One thing I’ve found very helpful in focusing parents on “the best interests of their children” is to give them a copy of the Children’s Bill of Rights*. The 12 points of this document provide a guide for the behavior of the parents with respect to their kids.

And, if the children are old enough to comprehend it, I suggest that it be shared with the kids as well. The list can become a vehicle for older children to more easily initiate a dialogue with their parents, allowing them to express their feelings and ask questions.

The points are presented from the perspective of the children, as the “rights” they are afforded. Here they are:

1. The right not to be asked to choose sides between their parents.
2. The right not to be told the details of the legal proceedings going on between their parents.
3. The right not to be told “bad things” about the other parent’s personality or character.
4. The right to privacy when talking to either parent on the telephone.
5. The right not to be cross-examined by one parent after spending time with the other parent.
6. The right not to be asked to be a messenger from one parent to the other.
7. The right not to be asked by one parent to tell the other parent untruths.
8. The right not to be used as a confidant regarding adult matters.
9. The right to express feelings, whatever those feelings may be.
10. The right to choose not to express certain feelings.
11. The right to be protected from parental “warfare.”
12. The right not to be made to feel guilty for loving both parents.

The practical effects of divorce can be difficult to work through and accept. By adhering to the Children’s Bill of Rights, parents can give their children the opportunity to move forward in the best way possible.

If you or someone you know could benefit from assistance in decision making during a divorce, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns, and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

*Source: NY State Unified Court System, Tompkins County Courts, and NY State Parent Education & Awareness Program