The Power of an Apology in Divorce

In this excellent posting on the Huff Post Divorce blog Betsy Ross writes how, for divorcing and divorced spouses, a heartfelt apology can work wonders in beginning to heal relationships and in settling disputes.

Between divorcing adults, an apology, the genuine article, can promote dialogue, decrease emotional distance and even help to re-establish trust. At its very best, it is a healing gesture and a symbol of willingness to take responsibility for misbehavior and to own up to being human. It can also communicate a desire to truly hear and understand (and empathize with) the emotional consequences of the wrong doing that have been brought upon the injured spouse.

As Betsy has, I have occasionally witnessed, the positive impacts of a genuine apology from the divorcing 'wrong doer' (or from both spouses) regarding their role(s) in the failure of the marriage.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at  508-566-4159508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

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Get divorced? Stay together? A mediator can help!

Rachel Alexander, in this excellent blog posting writes about how, as a mediator our goal is to help people discern what is in their best interest – what is authentically right for them at this stage of their life and this stage of their relationship, and help support them in next steps to further that. Some people might identify that they need to be divorced. Others may discover that they want to work on the relationship. We are trained to listen closely and support couples in what they believe is best for them, whether or not that aligns with what we think is best.

Being a neutral does not mean we have no independent thoughts or values. It means we strive to be clear regarding what comes from us, and distinguish that from what belongs to our clients. It means we listen to our  clients closely, even over the noisy din of our own opinion.

The mediator’s job is not to streamline couples into any particular solution, but to help people discover what is right for them. If it is to get a divorce, we're going to take them all the way through that. If it is to stay together, we will encourage that goal with all our efforts.

Some people feel they can’t call a mediator because they first must decide whether they want a divorce or not. In fact, a mediator can help you decide, and then help you explore the options.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family's needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159508-566-4159 to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation.  We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

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A Decision Deferred: Turning Off the Pacemaker

 

Many adult siblings are having a difficult time as they face their parents’ aging and related deci­sions regarding caregiving, healthcare, property distribution, estate planning, and more.  One medical reality that few people are facing up to is what to do with their cardiac devices.

Nobody really knows exactly how many Americans are walking around with pacemakers and defibrillators. But with surgeons implanting at least 225,000 pacemakers and 133,000 defibrillators each year, “there probably are a couple of million” out there now, said Dr. Paul S. Mueller, a Mayo Clinic general internist and bioethicist.

The devices prolong lives, but “all those people will face decisions down the road,” Dr. Mueller said. “’Do I keep it going? Do I turn it off?’” Physicians have similar questions, including what kinds of patients confront these choices and who usually winds up making these decisions.

Paula Span, in this excellent article from The New York Times, writes that we know a bit more now that Dr. Mueller and his colleagues have reviewed the medical records of 150 Mayo Clinic patients who, over four years, requested that their devices be deactivated — the largest group of such patients examined to date. What the data show is that these patients are mostly male, quite old, very sick — and unprepared to deal with this issue. 

“These patients typically are very ill. They’re approaching death,” said Dr. Mueller. Two-thirds were men; their median age was 79. In the years since they received their devices, many had developed other problems in addition to heart disease, including cancer and respiratory and neurological diseases.

Yet the majority hadn’t recorded their desire to deactivate their cardiac devices. More than half — a comparatively high proportion — had done what health care providers perennially urge and had prepared advance directives, but only one of those documents made any mention of cardiac technology.

“The consequence is, a huge number of surrogates had to make these decisions,” Dr. Matlock said in an interview, pointing out that about half of the requests for deactivation in the study came from surrogates. “Nobody wants that. People’s big concern at the end of life is not to burden their families.”

If you or someone you know could benefit from structured assistance in family decision making, contact Falmouth Mediation at 508-566-4159508-566-4159 for a free, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if elder me­diation would be beneficial.

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Dating Before the Decree: Why it Pays to Wait

What rules apply when only one spouse thinks it’s okay to date before the divorce is final?

In this excellent blog posting, Eileen Coen offer five pragmatic reasons why it makes sense to wait to date until after you’re divorced.

1. If spouses don’t mutually agree that it’s okay to date during their separation, then dating creates more conflict. Conflict negatively impacts your life in innumerable ways, including your performance at work, your emotional well-being and your relationship with your children.
2. It is agonizing for the non-dating spouse to view from the sidelines. You may be clear that you don’t want to be married anymore, but you don’t want to inflict pain either. (And if that’s not a priority, consider that justifying hurtful behavior escalates conflict and makes it nearly impossible to negotiate an amicable, uncontested divorce.)
3. Your spouse’s feelings of hurt and shame can lead to the desire to seek punishment and revenge. At the very least, your spouse will want to “save face” in the view of family, friends, neighbors and colleagues. So he/she pursues a settlement that lets the world know they were wronged and that you are clearly the villain. “Winning” becomes the goal rather than a quick and fair settlement.
4. Your spouse’s hurt feelings will put him/her on the defensive… which causes your spouse to seek more support out of fear… which drives up legal expenses and prolongs the divorce process. This divorce will not come quickly or inexpensively.
5. It’s hard enough to attract new partners when your status is “separated.” If you are separated and in high conflict with your spouse, it makes you even less desirable. New partners observe and – yes, analyze – your behavior during your separation. The way you treat your spouse is the best indicator of the way a new partner will be treated by you.

An amicable, uncontested divorce is the quickest, least damaging and most cost-efficient route to divorce. If you are separated and ready to date – and your spouse is not – it pays to wait.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at  508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

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How to Lose Custody of Your Child

In this excellent blog posting, Virginia L Colin, lists the many things that, if you love your child, you may want to do just the opposite.

Some of the behaviors listed include:

• Do not attend court hearings about custody or visitation.

• Ignore requests to meet with your child’s Guardian ad Litem (the lawyer appointed by a judge to learn about your child and make recommendations to the court about what would be best for your child).

• Never meet your child’s teachers or child care providers. 

• Arrive late for scheduled visits with your child. 

• Return your child to the other parent late with little or no advance notice and no good reason. 

• Frequently cancel or miss scheduled visits with your child.

Doing many of these things and you will make it easy for a judge to award sole legal and physical custody of your child to your ex. If you want to stay involved and have influence in your child’s life, and your ex is making that difficult, you may want to work with a family mediator.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at  508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

The Art and Danger of Distracting Ourselves

In this excellent blog posting, Ada Hasloecher uses an episode of he five-time Emmy Award winning Best Comedy series, Frasier to illustrate all the ways we refuse to take responsibility for our lives. How it often seems preferable to blame all those “thems” out there who are doing it to us.

As Ada has I’ve seen miracles happen in my mediations when one or both of the parties acknowledge and admit their culpability for the demise of the marriage. Instead of passing the blame, they own it. Freedom!

Happy Valentine's Day. I Want a Divorce.

Unfortunately, most people still think of divorce as the 1980s War of the Roses scenario, where each party hires the meanest pitbull of a lawyer they can find, spends thousands of dollars on legal fees and fights it out in court.  But, most of us did not begin our marriage by siccing an attorney on our future spouse, why would we end it this way?  

In this excellent blog posting on the Huffington Post Divorce Blog, Michelle Crosby speaks to the fact that, for most of us, divorce is not a legal problem. It is a family in transition from one household to two. There are no legal answers to emotional issues such as anger, betrayal, sadness and fear. No law has been written that magically determines who should get the kids when or who cares more about that crystal vase in your living room.

Too often, lawyers hired with this mentality focus on starting legal debates, not finding solutions. These debates can last months, or even years; leaving a judge to decide which lawyer wins. Meanwhile, your family loses.

So before you get caught in a two-lawyer "contest" you should know this:

• The vast majority of divorce cases (95 percent according to some experts) settle outside of the courtroom.
• Most litigated divorces will be sent to mediation prior to going before a judge.
• A moderately complex, yet very typical divorce can easily cost between $25,000 and $50,000.
• Litigation is public.

With facts like these surrounding the traditional, adversarial divorce, it is no wonder that people are increasingly looking to mediation, collaborative law and Wevorces.  Because most divorce cases will ultimately settle out of court, it is just common sense to cut to the chase and choose a forum-focused settlement.  These approaches can more easily navigate the legal, financial and emotional issues inherent in every divorce, saving time, money and unnecessary stress on the family.

Consider the findings of a study (PDF) that compared litigated cases to those handled via collaborative law, mediation or other dispute resolution techniques. It found that dispute resolution cases resulted in:

• Higher client satisfaction regardless of whether or not they reached an agreement.
• More benefits to the parenting relationship.
• Significant savings in costs.
• Settlement within months.
• More discretion and privacy.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at  508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.

Mediation May Help The Divorce Process Go Smoother

It's an unfortunate fact that many marriages end in divorce.  Getting a divorce is usually stressful, heartbreaking and difficult for everyone involved, especially children. It can also be time-consuming and costly when contested matters are taken to court.

This article from World News Report discusses how involving a mediator is one option to help the divorce process go more smoothly.  The article points out that  mediation isn't for everyone, so it's important for divorcing spouses to weigh the advantages and disadvantages with their individual circumstances, and decide which method is best for them.

The benefits of a mediated divorce: 

• In a mediated divorce, a neutral third party discusses issues with the couple and helps them come to mutually-agreeable settlement terms.  When both parties are willing to cooperate, respectfully communicate and work with the mediator, this process can be very beneficial.
• A mediated divorce has the advantage of being up to 60 percent cheaper than a litigated divorce.
• A mediated divorce usually takes less time to complete than a contested divorce.
• Neither spouse is required to have an attorney present, although it may help for a lawyer to review the divorce terms or suggest changes before anything is signed.

When mediation isn't the best choice:

• When either spouse or children were subjected to verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse during the marriage.
• If either spouse has a problem with drug or alcohol abuse.
• If either spouse does not feel safe or respected during mediation sessions.
• When one spouse is trying to cause the other emotional pain or does not want the conflict to end.
• When one or both spouses can't be trusted to be fair or honest during mediation.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at  508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.