Getting a Divorce? Take These Five Steps To Adjust Well

Would you be surprised to learn that step #1 is NOT get an attorney?  That’s often the first step most people think about.  Once the decision to divorce has been made, the next step is often finding an attorney.  While that may be a step along the way in the divorce process, Lisa Gabardi, in this excellent blog posting, suggests a different process designed to maximize your ability to adjust well, lay the foundation for a positive future, and minimize the conflict and emotional wreckage (and possibly the cost)!

Step 1.  Get Clear About Your Values

• Who do you want to be?  What relationships do you want to have with your adult children?  How do you hope to be enjoying your life?  What is most important to you?  Your core values and the resulting “higher order/best self” goals you set for yourself become your “home base”; the place you consult and return to again and again as you make choices about how you respond and proceed in your divorce.

Step 2.  Create Effective Strategies for Managing Your Feelings

• Divorce is stressful.  It is a loss.  You will likely experience a variety of sometimes intense uncomfortable feelings.  You will need ways to soothe yourself, calm down, and manage stress.  Consider soothing strategies such as breathing, meditation, music, exercise, rest, journal writing, talking to others, or some other peaceful or enjoyable activity.  Increase the time you spend taking good care of yourself.  Healthy routines including meals and sleep are essential.

Step 3.  Get Support

• You will be better able to manage the stress of divorce if you aren’t going it alone. Ask for and allow yourself to receive help!  Rely on helpful friends and family.  Allow them to listen and offer emotional and practical support.  Consider a professional for further emotional support as well as help with decision making, coping skills, grief counseling, and communication and conflict resolution skills.

Step 4.  Consider Your Children

• Educate yourself about the effects of divorce on children, the effects of parental conflict on children’s adjustment, how to talk to your children about the divorce, the needs of children at different ages and developmental stages.  Give yourself time to be thoughtful and have a plan that helps your children have some sense of security during this adjustment.

Step 5. Consider Your Divorce Options and Assemble Your Team

• Do you know that there are options other than retaining an attorney and bracing yourself for a costly, adversarial litigation process?  Divorce is a big decision.  The way you choose to go through the process will have a variety of risks and benefits, financially and emotionally.  Do yourself a favor and educate yourself about your options.  You may consider a “kitchen table” divorce that you and your former spouse negotiate mainly between yourselves, mediation, collaborative divorce, or a two-attorney divorce.  Invest some well-spent time to learn about these various options.  They are listed here, in general, from lowest conflict and financial cost to highest.  Your particular circumstances and your ability to negotiate with your former spouse may inform your choice as to which model is best for you.  Investigate your options!

Notice that considering an attorney is the last step I mention, not the first!  The highest priorities are clarifying how you want to move through this, what matters most to you, and practicing skills to cope.  Going through those steps first puts you on a stronger foundation and with a clearer vision for how to move forward.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.