Hate Your Ex More Than You Love Your Kids? Effects of Divorce on Children of Divorce

There is a family judge in Massachusetts who has a sign hanging on her door that reads:
 

Do You Hate Your Ex More Than You Love Your Kids?

Provocative question, right?

You might be thinking “of course I don’t — that’s just ridiculous!” Maybe you are even offended by the suggestion.

So why then would a judge so brazenly post this message?

After all, the chances are that if you are separated or divorced you are working hard to do the best you can to protect your kids from any harm stemming from the breakup. Your intentions are probably in the right place.

Sadly, sometimes intentions are not enough. Too often negative unintended harm comes to kids because of the conflict, tension, or even ill will that exists between exes.

In this excellent article Ben Stich outlines how parents often make the effects of divorce on children of divorce even worse and how parents can decrease the negative effects of divorce on children of divorce.  Ben suggests that parents loves their kids more than they hate their ex when they:

• Make sure to never complain about the parent within earshot of the children…
• Go out of the way to make sure their child honors the other parent’s birthday and Mother’s and Father’s Day
• Never use the children as a source to get information about the other parent…
• Listen attentively and without judgment when the children are talking about the other parent…
• Never ask the children to choose between Mom and Dad…
• Communicate directly with the parent rather than having the children pass messages back and forth…
• Behave politely with the other parent during pick-up and drop-off…
• Establish a parenting plan in a timely manner that is geared to the child’s best interest rather than the parent’s…
• Improve communication and decrease conflict by working with a divorce mediator, rather than litigate…

The bottom line is that kids of separated, divorced or never-married parents are hyper-aware of and sensitive to the relationship dynamics between their parents. When you get angry, frustrated, exasperated, furious, indignant and outraged at your ex, please remember this:

You Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Your Ex!

Remembering this could be the best thing you’ve ever done for your kids.

To learn how mediation can help you protect your rights and tailor an agreement specific to your family’s needs while saving you time and money, give us a call today at 508-566-4159  to schedule a FREE, no-obligation, private, confidential consultation. We will be happy to discuss the key details of your situation, address any concerns and help you decide if divorce mediation would be beneficial.