The Seven Habits of Highly Effective (Divorcing) People

First published in 1989, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, is a business and self-help book written by Stephen R. Covey. It has sold more than 25 million copies in 40 languages worldwide and remains one of the best selling nonfiction business books. Covey presents an approach to being effective in attaining goals by, as he says, “ignoring trends and pop psychology for proven principles of fairness, integrity, honesty, and human dignity.” In August 2011 Time listed Seven Habits as one of “The 25 Most Influential Business Management Books.”

Covey’s anecdotes are drawn as frequently from family situations as from business challenges. As I recently re-read The Seven Habits I was struck by how Covey’s approach relates to the behaviors I work hard to encourage – but, unfortunately, many times don’t see – in clients working through their divorce.

• Habit 1: Be Proactive is about taking responsibility for your life. Proactive people recognize that they are "response-able." They don't blame genetics, circumstances, conditions, conditioning – or their spouse – for their behavior. Instead of reacting to or worrying about conditions over which they have little or no control, proactive people focus their time and energy on things they can control.

• Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind is based on imagination – the ability to envision in your mind what you cannot at present see with your eyes. If you don't make a conscious effort to visualize who you are and what you want in life, then you empower other people and circumstances to shape you and your life by default. As it relates to divorce, Begin with the End in Mind means to go through the process with a clear vision of your desired direction and destination, and then continue by flexing your proactive muscles to make things happen.

• Habit 3: Put First Things First is about life management – your purpose, values, roles, and priorities – and where Habits 1 and 2 come together. What are “first things?” First things are those things you, personally, find of most worth. During the divorce process couples who put first things first are organizing and managing time, events, and decisions according to the personal priorities they established in Habit 2.

• Habit 4: Think Win-Win is to genuinely strive for mutually beneficial solutions or agreements. Couples value and respect each other by understanding a “win” for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution than if only one person in the divorce had got his/her way. A couple that approaches their divorce with a win-win attitude possesses three vital character traits: 

1. Integrity: sticking with their true feelings, values, and commitments.
2. Maturity: expressing their ideas and feelings with courage and consideration for the ideas and feelings of their spouse.
3. Abundance Mentality: believing there is plenty for everyone.

• Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood is about using empathic listening to be genuinely influenced by their spouse, which compels their spouse to reciprocate the listening and take an open mind to being influenced by them. This creates an atmosphere of caring, and positive problem solving.

• Habit 6: Synergize means "two heads are better than one." Synergize is the habit of creative cooperation. It is teamwork, open-mindedness, and the adventure of finding new solutions to old problems. But it doesn’t just happen on its own. It’s a process, and through that process, couples bring all their personal experience and expertise to the table. Together, they can produce far better results that they could individually. When couples begin to interact together genuinely, and they're open to each other's influence, they begin to gain new insight. The capability of inventing new approaches is increased exponentially because of differences.

• Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw means preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have--you. Balance and renew your resources, energy, and health to create a sustainable, long-term, effective lifestyle. It primarily emphasizes exercise for physical renewal, prayer (meditation, yoga, etc.) and good reading for mental renewal.

In The Seven Habits, Covey presents a holistic, integrated, principle-centered approach for solving personal and professional problems.  His step-by-step pathway for living with fairness, integrity, honesty, and human dignity are principles that give us the security to adapt to change, and the wisdom and power to take advantage of the opportunities that change creates.

As divorce mediators striving to help our clients develop their own fair and lasting solutions, encouraging our clients to follow Covey’s approach can assist them in becoming more effective in navigating their successful divorces and living full, purposeful, high-quality lives.